Red Pill Panic/Anxiety attacks - Can anyone relate?

RedPillDetox · 2020-09-25T08:22:06+00:00

That's normal and that's what this sub is for.

You need to trust your girlfriend and practice "radical trust". TRP teaches you to always be suspicious of her and always interpret her behavior with cynicism, which is radical distrust. You need to do the exact opposite and always trust her at everything and never question her behavior or interpret it at a red pill light. Just give up and accept whatever are your worries because in the end they are mostly imagined shit. This is extremely hard to do, but you're not gonna get crossed in the process because red pill theories are shit for the most part. And even if you did, well then fuck it. It's better to live without panic attacks and enjoy your relationship with your girl over constantly living in fear or something.

cvntcvntcvnt · 2020-09-25T02:42:53+00:00

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Half-Ice-Half-Fire · 2020-09-25T02:16:51+00:00

I get that as well, I’ve also been trying to see how to cope with this.

DissonanceBadger · 2020-09-25T16:16:37+00:00

Redpill theories are plenty falsifiable, you just haven't developed the tools to do so yet. I'll refer to the sentiment you expressed in another comment as an example. You mentioned the idea that

if I open up to her emotionally and become vulnerable, she’s gonna get unattracted to me and I’ll start to lose her.

We can start with the fact that vulnerability is a prerequisite for intimacy, and intimacy creates a feeling of safety, which is a big deal since women are very safety oriented. Intimacy creates a feeling of safety because to be intimate with someone is to be exposed to that person in a way that allows that person to easily hurt you. Once nothing bad happens, you learn by example that this person can be trusted to not hurt you, which is something you will forever doubt if you never put it to the test.

Exposure is also good for trust because it eliminates the unknown about each other, which is good because the unknown is the birthplace of doubt and suspicion. When we encounter the unknown, we tend to defensively project our worst fantasies on it, because our brain thinks along the lines of "I don't know if this unknown thing can hurt me or not, but I need to be able to prepare for it in case it does, so I'll try to predict all the bad things that could come out of it, choose the worse, and operate under the assumption that it's a possibility. Then I'll definitely be prepared for whatever comes out of this". Therefore, the less unknown there is in the relationship, the easier it is to trust, and the more feeling of safety there is.

Specifically for women, one of the greatest fear of the feminine is to be abandoned, so the more you see the inner workings of the person you are with, the more sure you are that they probably aren't planning on abandoning you.

Now let's discuss what vulnerability is. People tend to conceptualize it as sob stories. Vulnerability = the parts in your inner emotional world characterized by deep sorrow, fear, insecurities, etc. That's an incorrect conceptualization.

First of all, it's a limited conception. Vulnerability permeates a much wider spectrum of the human experience than that. You are being vulnerable when you tell a joke, since you risk the embarrassment of people not laughing at your joke. You are being vulnerable when you try to flirt with a girl, since you risk rejection. You are being vulnerable when you go on stage for a speech, since you risk public failure. Asking for sex could be vulnerable since you might have issues that will make a neutral refusal feel like a painful rejection. Etc. etc. If you have a girlfriend, you already were vulnerable with her multiple times.

Second, it draws a false parallel between weakness and vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness itself, it's lowering down your defenses, which is an act of courage. Every time you risk rejection, and proceed to act anyway, you're performing an act of courage, and courage is sexually attractive. Being an orbiter betrays a lack of courage (they want to approach but don't), which is exactly why it's not attractive. If you are a powerful, well trained warrior, you are not weak, but you do become vulnerable if you choose to put your shield down. That's the big difference, and it's a distinction lost on the red pill in general.

In summary, vulnerability is necessary for intimacy and is also a display of courage, and is therefore sexually attractive, while weakness is being useless and is not sexually attractive. Now let's discuss you opening up to your girlfriend.

The key issue is for your girlfriend to be able to tell if your vulnerability is by choice or by essence. In other words, are you a strong man being vulnerable by choice, or are you vulnerable because you're unable to cope (weak)? It can be hard to tell in early stages of the relationship. If you tell her on the first date how anxious you are about the upcoming job interview, she can't tell if she's talking to a successful man who isn't afraid to admit his humanity, and triumphs in the face of challenge, or someone who is afraid because he isn't all that great at what he does. The first man is sexually attractive, the second one isn't. This is why the best thing to do is first to establish that you are a strong man who has his shit together, and only then expose your deepest insecurities or whatever it is you want to share. If you do things in that order the woman will be receptive, because you've eliminated the doubt she would have had before she knew who you are and what you are capable of.

Second thing to take into account is the nature of the woman you are with. The more insecure a woman is, the less receptive she might be to you exposing your emotional hardships. This is because the more insecure she is, the more she will expect you to compensate for that by providing security. The more she relies on you for security, the more she will be on the lookout for hints that you ceased to be that rock, which means she will be more likely to interpret your courage as sign of weakness because of the way her anxiety about losing the safety you provide distorts her perception.

What can you do in this case? Take into account mitigating factors. Maybe your woman is also extremely emotionally intelligent, and will be able to work out her initial freak out and realize that what she witnessed was in fact courage, not weakness. Or you could figure out how to phrase it so that you simultaneously project a message that says "but it's fine, I will be able to handle this". Or maybe you are with a well adjusted woman who will be understanding. So figure out which case is your case.

Another thing to take into account is the way you tell it. Many people can only "be vulnerable" by telling sob stories. You can be vulnerable without being whiny about it.

Another thing to take into account is how to share your vulnerability without turning it into a burden that you inflict on your girlfriend. This can happen because of the way you tell it, which makes it sounds like you expect her to do something to solve your feelings, or it could even be out of your control, because her desire to fix your emotion could come solely from her side. Your girlfriend might think that:

Oh no I'm losing my safety, I have to fix this to make him strong again so that I could feel safe again (highly anxious woman).
On no my baby is suffering, and his suffering is making me suffer through empathy. It's unbearable and I have to do something about this (highly agreeable woman).

If the above possibilities frustrate you, it means that when you think about sharing your emotions, you're not taking the other person into account, and that's wrong. Your emotions are a burden on the other person. That doesn't mean you don't get to share your emotions, in fact the other person might even want you to share your burden with them, but it does mean that you need to take the impact of sharing your emotions into consideration. Let's say you're out in the field with your girlfriend and you injure your leg. It's painful to step on it, and you need to get to a clinic. You may want to lean on your girlfriend as you limp your way to medical care, and she will likely be rife with motivation to help you, because she cares about you. Does this mean that you just throw your entire weight on her with abandon, or will you try to carry yourself to the best of your ability, and be cognizant of not placing on her shoulders more than she can carry? Probably the latter. It's the same with emotions. If you just throw all your fears and sorrows on her without regard to what this might do to her, you may crush her. You can use her as a crutch at most, not as a wheel chair. And yes, it is possible that your girlfriend isn't emotionally capable of carrying much of you, just like it's possible that she won't help you limp to medical care because you're literally twice her size, and there's no way she'll be able to support any of your weight.

So to summarize:

Make sure your girlfriend can tell the difference between vulnerability and weakness, and figure out how much of your weight she can take. Secure attachment style and emotional intelligence are good predictors of a woman you can share your emotions with.

lulzey · 2020-09-27T02:24:29+00:00

Just going to throw this out there too.

I can 100% relate. I don’t know if my ex girlfriend was cheating or wasn’t but there were your typical TRP signs. All I can say is that my radical distrust of her and her inability to want to do things to improve it is pretty much what destroyed our relationship.

You either need to practice radical trust or break up with her. You’re going to kill your relationship if you don’t. Listen to me. You will kill your relationship if you do not pick one of those options.

TRP can have a tendency to forget that self fulfilling prophecies exist. Everyone can.

atman714 · 2020-09-30T23:29:54+00:00

It sounds like you have some OCD tendencies. I have OCD tendencies as well. There is a specific subset of OCD known as ROCD, where the person obsesses over relationships to an unhealthy degree, and feels that they need to research/know everything there is to know in order to improve with relationships. It can also manifest in never feeling content when you do actually have a relationship. Not trying to play armchair psychologist and diagnose, but I just notice you display those qualities.

hobnoh_grispek · 2022-10-21T05:11:38+00:00

Sit with your thoughts and observe them as they come up, then let those thoughts go. You will eventually leave behind your anxieties.

Title	Red Pill Panic/Anxiety attacks - Can anyone relate?
Author	cvntcvntcvnt
Upvotes	14
Comments	13
Date	September 25, 2020 1:41 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/izahu2/red_pill_panicanxiety_attacks_can_anyone_relate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/red-pill-panicanxiety-attacks-can-anyone-relate.1194907 https://theredarchive.com/post/1194907

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