The underdog has managed to turn things around but needs advice

spiraldinosaur · 2022-08-10T18:01:45+00:00

ok there's a lot to digest there so let's get down to it.

Firstly, I'm happy that you've had a date that's gone well. I really hope you enjoyed it! I also hope this will be the start of realising that in fact, you can get dates, you can find someone to have sex with. And if that's the case, I guess you're not that ugly after all right? But take your time, it may take a while to sink in.

So my first impression from your description is that there could be some instability in there. Having come from the background that she has, there's a chance she could be more vulnerable. But also from your position, you don't have a lot of experience in this. You've already made some pretty simple fuck ups (blonde hair and blue eyes? Seriously dude!? come on!), and I think you could be in beyond your depth trying to deal with someone like this.

You need to remember two important things here. Firstly, attraction is subjective and what everyone finds attractive is different. She's already told you that you need to work out because you're too skinny. I'm really skinny too. Do you know what all my partners have told me? They've said they prefer skinny guys. Quite honestly if a woman told me I need to work out, I'd tell her to go find someone else because clearly I am not what she is looking for. I may want to work out, but I want to do that for myself, not to appeal to someone else. There are loads of women out there who find skinny men attractive. Trust me. You just have to find the right one.

Furthermore, you're caught up on this idea that she prefers this 30 year old tall guy. Why? Redpill stuff has told you that he's more attractive because he's taller. But what did I just say? Attraction is subjective. Not all women care about height. If she was so attracted to him, she'd still be with him. If she cared about that, she wouldn't have taken you to bed. If she apparently has so many more options, she clearly made her own decision to be with you. That means she finds YOU attractive. You've got this idea stuck in your head that you have to be a certain way to be attractive, even while someone is actively showing that she is attracted to you. It's right there in your face.

Now on to those red flags.

For your own red flags, these are all things you can work on yourself. You can learn to recognise your own attractiveness when you learn to recognise that different people have different definitions of attractive, and that for most people that definition is extremely broad and varied. I know men and women of all shapes and sizes who have had successful relationships. There is simply no definition of what is attractive.

You're here now because you've recognised your own misogyny and the problems of your redpill research. You've realised the errors in that and you're working on it. It's a start. Keep going.

You can find your own ambition in time. You don't necessarily need to be ambitious to the point of wanting to be a millionaire gigachad or whatever. Have an ambition to be a better person. Have an ambition for independence, a healthy body, a healthy mind. That's really all that matters. If you find some career goals and dreams along the way, all the better.

As for her red flags, well let's see here...

Why does a bodycount matter? That's her history, not her future. People have experiences, sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. She already told you that she didn't like most of the past people she was with. Sometimes you have to look around to find the right person. Sometimes just having sex with people is fun. That's all it means.

Piercings and tattoos? I don't think I know a single woman who doesn't have piercings and tattoos. It means literally nothing. Some people like to have piercings and tattoos. That's not a character flaw. If you don't like the look of them, then that's your choice. But it means nothing about her as a person.

Of course she goes clubbing often. She's 20. It's normal. It's fun. Again, it means nothing. I used to go clubbing all the time at that age too. It's just a way to go out and have fun.

She uses online dating sites? So do you. So does virtually everyone. Why would you care about that? It's how most people meet someone these days. If you don't want to meet someone who uses dating sites, don't use them.

Her background can have all sorts of results. Some of them may be negative, some positive. My quick assessment is that she may need someone with more experience than you have yourself, but really only time will tell you the full picture.

Yes, she wants you to change your body. That right there is your first valid red flag. You do not need to change yourself physically to appeal to someone. You need to find someone who finds your physical self appealing. Same goes with her comments about muscley men. There's no need for it.

If anything, that last point would be enough for me to tap out. You do not need to be with someone who is going to make you feel more insecure, especially not when you're coming from where you are. You need to learn your own value and that you are indeed attractive. Do not settle for someone who makes you feel like you are not good enough. You are also vulnerable and that sort of attitude suggests to me that she could try to exploit you.

I'm glad that you've had this first experience though. Dating is about learning from experience, and we have to go through these things to learn our own value and what we actually want from a relationship.

SweelFor- · 2022-08-11T11:43:43+00:00

The fact that after meeting once or twice you are already making a list of all the things that you believe are wrong with her and with you is the red flag

zapadz · 2022-08-10T20:02:19+00:00

You have serious self worth issues, sexual shame, and bizarre beliefs and hang ups. She seems to have fixer attachment style and emotional neediness. You both have immense red flags and should seek therapy before attempting a relationship with anyone.

Yupperdoodledoo · 2022-08-10T21:53:54+00:00

You both sound really dysfunctional and you may be the best either can get for now.

TheVillagePriestess · 2022-08-10T17:42:27+00:00

Im wondering if she has any red flags?

She asked me what I have imagined my future children to look like which was a weird question for a first date but I replied “blonde hair blue eyes” and she wasn’t happy with my answer and turned her back to me and didn’t talk for 15 minutes until I apologised. She said she wanted mixed race kids. I understand I kind of messed up saying this but I wanted to say the truth. Also I had never even thought about children or marriage with this woman because it was too soon for a first date talk.

This is a big red flag. She's moving quickly and then gave you the silent treatment over your "truth" until you apologized. Don't do that. Ya'll have an incompatibility and she's trying to bully you into what she wants regardless of what you want. Be very careful with rewarding this at all or it'll continue until you want to bang your head on a wall. This is just boundary enforcement.

Here are what I believe and have been told are red flags which she has:

I'm bias, but I don't think tattoos and piercings are always bad, but can be a factor. It really depends on current overall behaviour and how many other red flags there are. But tattoos at least are very normalized, even doctors and highly successful people have them. Where and how many piercings? Also how does she want to change your body? Make you eat more or what?

Body count is high for 20 and with how quickly she wants to make you 7, just be careful. 6 is meh when you're young because even if she chooses wisely, people still leave and aren't really looking for long term things at that age. Make sure you ask her for a current STD test. HSV1 is really common nowadays (3+ B-illion or more with it) but the other ones you wanna research and make sure you want the risk of what she has, IF she has anything.

Again, biased, as I came from a bad family situation and lacked quality men in my life until I met one of my exes. I didn't have a desire to change until him because he gave me the space to get it all out of my system enough to process it. Dude was my mountain. Now I've been cleared of most of my trauma issues, but having that "truth" in my story no longer matters in the sense you're looking at it from. So it depends on if she's done any work to heal it. Unhealed, eh, just know what you're getting into. It'll be a wild ride, but CAN become the most rewarding relationships you ever had after the storm is over.

Otherwise, she's playing normal games for 20, but you're 19 and don't really need her shit just for sex. But it depends on how desperate you are, I guess. Don't lead her on, don't lie to her, defend your boundaries firmly, speak your truth, and generally you'll be okay. She's not a good woman yet, but can become one if that's something the both of you want to tackle. But if you want little blonde hair and blue eyed babies for sure, no exceptions, then it's an incompatibility and you need to make SURE you don't knock her up.

tired2beugly · 2022-08-30T19:09:00+00:00

She has a lot of redflags bro and u know the redflags

Be wise man dont be too down bad

Title	The underdog has managed to turn things around but needs advice
Author	inspired_dog
Upvotes	4
Comments	26
Date	August 10, 2022 4:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/wl21c1/the_underdog_has_managed_to_turn_things_around/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/the-underdog-has-managed-to-turn-things-around-but.1209142 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209142

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