At a crossroads in my marriage

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-05-10T08:16:52+00:00

It sounds like you need a divorce from his parents, maybe not him per se. I understand cultures are very, very different and it's easy for me, as someone in the states, to say "limit contact with the in-laws." Have you asked him what he wants to do about his parents, and if he's willing to be non-traditional about how much he interacts with them or feels obligated to be around them, though? The younger generation in India often sees things differently. Maybe he's also exhausted of his parents (that really sounds like an unpleasant evening for everyone), but it could take both of you together to implement some Western-style boundaries with his parents. Honestly the way you describe him, he sounds burnt out too. Maybe learning that his wife and in-laws would support him in cutting things off with his parents would really change his outlook on possibilities.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-05-10T10:03:34+00:00

This is such an awful situation for both of you. Despite his family's behavior, it makes sense that he loves them and doesn't want to cut contact. It doesn't sound like you really chose this marriage for yourself, though. If you have no children, there really is no better situation under which to exit. Divorce is so scary, but the alternative is being married to this man and his family forever. You're lucky to have the support of family, especially in such a traditional culture. The longer you wait to change your situation, the less desirable the outcome will be. You don't want to be 35, realizing how young 27 really was.

Edit: I'd like to add that I once miscarried a year before filing for divorce. It was horrible, but raising children with my now husband, an amazing man is such a wonderful experience. I'm so glad I was able to do have the nuclear family I longed for with a good man.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-05-10T14:11:38+00:00

Recently we had a miscarriage which crushed me at the time but now feels like a gift from god.

This line screamed at me that you're done. That said:

My father in law lost his shit over some comment about politics and started screaming and pointing fingers at my dad as the rest of us diffused the situation. This isn’t the first time or even the worst thing they’ve ever done. My husband tried to calm him down once or twice there.

How much is your husband actually doing? If he's just weak... then you may still be able to keep him and improve him. But it'll take you basically telling him, "Your abusive family OR me. It's no longer an AND."

But I suspect that you're already past that, and into the HOW can I divorce him phase, instead of the SHOULD I divorce him phase.

EDIT: You should edit your post with this comment you made below:

We’ve had conversations like this before and he would rather get a divorce then limit contact with his family.

You're done. Leave.

xcheshirecatxx · 2023-05-10T14:07:09+00:00

Your husband has to put boundaries toward his family, else.he doesn't respect you. You need to be respected as his wife and has a person, as well as your family

Give him an ultimatum

ComprehensiveBar2866 · 2023-05-10T16:49:13+00:00

Hey I’m an Indian too and I understand your situation.

I know while your husband specifically hasn’t been problematic towards you, given the history of his elder brother going NC means your in-laws will try MUCH harder to keep your husband under their control. From what I have seen such people always try to make sure that at least one child is around for them because their main purpose of having kids is making sure they can depend on someone in old age, and use that to manipulate and as emotional blackmail. It will be very hard for your husband to cut them off even if he wants to. You’re lucky that everyone in your family supports you, my parents are the same so we will never understand the stress of having such parents, so think about how your separation will affect your husband too as this marriage includes the both of you. I know this is a crazy comment but how old are these in laws and are they in good health because I have seen people be genuinely relieved at the passing away of such characters. I think when you said your miscarriage may have happened for the best, truly showed how you do not want to be around with these people anymore. Think about your future, once you have kids your in laws are going to feel entitled to “their” grandkids, if they are super interfering will you be able to raise and parent your kids how YOU want in such an environment? Ultimately I do not know you or your husband or his family. So you have to decide if your marriage is worth it or not.

As for remarriage I think you’re fine. You are currently 26 going on 27 and these days the cut off is 30 for women. I’m just being honest, this the mentality of Indian people. I don’t agree with it but those are the facts. Again not to body shame but people are also very shallow about looks so being physically attractive will make a BIG difference in your chances of getting married again. I don’t think you being divorced will be an issue as you have no kids and people are a little more open minded these days. I think you have been only married for four years? I guess if it was 5+ years people are more likely to view it as you ending a long term marriage and ask questions about the decision. Either way I hope you are able to decide what is best for you and wish you all the best!! Things will fall into place when you are choosing what you want.

Kemalist23 · 2023-05-10T18:50:23+00:00

He’s got a fine paying job, he pays for the basics, respects me, buys me gifts. But I am a shell of the person I was once before. I’m expected to deal with his family constantly which usually involves some form of them being assholes meanwhile he barely makes an effort with mine.

Typical of upper-caste Hindu males. They believe that all they have to do is provide the basics and the wife loses herself and has to submit to his toxic family while doing pati-seva and drinking the husband's feet water.

My father in law lost his shit over some comment about politics and started screaming and pointing fingers at my dad as the rest of us diffused the situation

Let me guess, your dad criticized the RSS goons but his dad was a member when he was younger and started calling him a traitor?

PrestigiousDoctor64 · 2023-05-10T19:39:18+00:00

I am going through a similar situation, I had an arranged marriage at the start of last year and got pregnant within couple of months and I was staying with his family ( did not have FIL but MIL ,Married SIL+kid+her husband and BIL ) my husband is the only breadwinner for the whole family the MIL is extremely toxic and controlling female she did not even care to keep me at their place for delivering my baby and sent me back home so my parents can bare the cost of the delivery and look after me until I am fit to go back (and serve them) anyways it’s been 7 months since I left their country they are calling me back but I did not return I found a job and currently raising my daughter (5 month old) as a single parent, off course with immense support of my parents and brother and yes, I struggle some days but I am SOOO PEACEFUL , I thank god every single day for my decision to get away from them! Please leave !!!! It’s so much better than dying inside every single day just to please his family, life is beautiful. Your life is so much more than just being an accessory to make THEIR life’s easier!

AutoModerator · 2023-05-10T07:44:38+00:00

Title: At a crossroads in my marriage

Full text: Hey girls, I got married early in an arranged marriage at 23, if you’ve seen Indian matchmaking something similar but we got a year to get to know each other before the wedding. From the start we’ve had a lot of problems, and they all stem from his family, they’re toxic over bearing and generally horrible people. I feel I was duped because they pretended to be one thing pre-marriage and another after. They mainly chose me for my father ma money. Currently we live in a flat my father has given us, and a lot of my expenses are done by him.

My husband is a good man in some aspects, he’s turning 30 now and I’m turning 27. He’s got a fine paying job, he pays for the basics, respects me, buys me gifts. But I am a shell of the person I was once before. I’m expected to deal with his family constantly which usually involves some form of them being assholes meanwhile he barely makes an effort with mine. Recently we had a miscarriage which crushed me at the time but now feels like a gift from god.

Both our families live in the same country and his had come to stay with us for a while so we decided to get dinner with my parents so I could see my family. My father in law lost his shit over some comment about politics and started screaming and pointing fingers at my dad as the rest of us diffused the situation. This isn’t the first time or even the worst thing they’ve ever done. My husband tried to calm him down once or twice there.

We got home and he didn’t speak to me about it just layed in bed, I left the room and cried my eyes out and slept in the other room, he didn’t bother to come there or console me.

I’ve reached a point where I’m constantly depressed and anxious over his horrendous family that we need to be around constantly and he’s made no effort or acknowledgement to accept somethings wrong.

I think I need a divorce, my parents, siblings my friends and even his friends support me. I’m just scared because this is my first relationship and obviously a marriage and not something so easy to leave. I’ll be 27 soon, when will I get remarried and find a husband. I’m just at a loss of words

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

catcatcat000 · 2023-05-10T21:17:45+00:00

It sounds like you have mostly made your decision and have a strong support network around you. You can recover from this and you absolutely have time to make a successful marriage in the future. If you are definitely going to leave then my advice is don't waste time!

Title	At a crossroads in my marriage
Author	Electronic_College86
Upvotes	27
Comments	17
Date	May 10, 2023 7:44 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13djn05/at_a_crossroads_in_my_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/at-a-crossroads-in-my-marriage.1218862 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218862

Comments