A couple weeks ago there was a post here written by u/Rubber-duck7203, I can link it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13d30be/cmv_missing_out_on_teen_love_as_a_male_can_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

Now, I left a comment sharing my viewpoint on the topic, which I felt was a pretty uncommon take for the thread and could maybe help someone who’s struggled with the things discussed. I’ll quote my comment here, then expand on it below it:

“Now, I don’t know what your story is, your age, your experience… none of that. But I will tell you a little about my viewpoint on this.

I’m a 20 year old male, and I have zero romantic (platonic, yes) experience with women. Now, do I feel ashamed, embarrassed, emasculated, or less confident? No. Essentially, my romantic philosophy throughout my life thus far has been that I need not actively seek a relationship, but rather one shall eventually arise though natural platonic interactions with people. Now, you might ask, “So, do you actually want a romantic relationship then?”. Well, while I don’t believe in actively pursuing a girl (unless I had intense physical attraction to them), I would absolutely be open, if I happened to “click” (both physically and emotionally attracted) with said girl, to try something beyond the platonic. I should specify that I’m referring to love, as opposed to lust. I have no interest in casual sex or hook-ups, simply because they’re worthless to me.

So, do I feel like I’ve missed out on potential experience because I didn’t force myself to engage in these typical adolescent milestones? I don’t. And that’s because first-hand experience with something doesn’t equate to knowledge, growth or introspection. One can have as much physical, sexual, or emotional experience with a woman as they want, but they could still just be experiencing the feeling, and not the understanding, of these highly dynamic and nuanced interactions. For me, my closest “experience” is simply observation, but I believe that I have thorough enough wisdom of how to socially engage with a woman (not too different than platonically) that the lack of first-hand experience is not a detriment to my future relations. You’re capability regarding platonic interaction with any person is also crucially important, while simultaneously not inherently dependent on the quantity of said interactions.

So, as I’ve said, I won’t be concerned when the time comes for these observed skills to become applied. I’m also aware of the unexpected. Arguably, the most beautiful aspect of romance, at least for someone who has no experience (and also for limerence), is the mystery. The ambiguity of these flowery feelings that accompanies emotional, mental, or physical attraction (love, not lust) are highly unique and empowering. However, these feelings can lead to danger with the overzealous-ness they inspire, as I’ve learned through an experience myself. Of course, that could just be me, and passing observation could have the opposite affect on somebody, such as manifesting envy in said observer.

Anyhow, this was just my input, and take it for what you will.”

Expanded:

To be truthful, while these threads and forums do occasionally offer decent advice, the constant self-degrading and hopeless comments are off-putting, and isn’t getting anyone anywhere. Especially when these comments get tons of upvotes, and users expressing an alternative or more optimistic view get downvoted for not being “realistic” or not being naive of how “women work”.

Now yes, I understand how poor experiences can mold your perception of how to interact correctly, and/or that you link your failures to some previous “what-ifs” in your life, such as questioning if something you did when your were younger somehow had rolling consequences for the present. These are natural feelings, and we all need to go through them to better evolve ourselves as a person, and for the potentiality of our desires. What I’m saying is, we cannot let our past faults, or even perceived faults (meaning, it’s not obvious that it was detrimental at all), dictate who we are in the present.

So, how does this apply to our romantic lives? Well, as I said in my original comment, we can’t keep replaying the “Oh, too bad I didn’t…” or “I would be so much better off if I had just…” thoughts in our heads. We all grow at different rates, we all have different viewpoints, we come from all different walks of life with all different types of people. For some of us, successful social interactions may simply be natural for us, for others, not so much.

Just please, please, don’t surrender to envy and and allow yourself to give up. Am I just being incredibly naive here? Perhaps, but I’m willing to take the risk.