Although most people find their intimate relationships to be positive and supportive, it’s also not uncommon for aggression to find its way into our homes and even our bedrooms. Much of the research on intimate partner violence, and the public policy based on it, starts from the assumption that the man is always the instigator of the aggression. According to this view, women may also engage in violent acts against their partners, but only in response to—and in self-defense of—the aggressive behaviors their male partners have perpetrated against them.

However, British psychologist Elizabeth Bates argues in a recent article published in the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinities that men are not always the initial aggressors in intimate partner violence but can also be the victims of it. In fact, she maintains, there’s evidence from previous research that both men and women are victims of violence within the home. Additionally, some studies show a bidirectional relationship. That is to say, the man and woman fall into a pattern of repeated violence against each other in which either one could be the instigator on any given occasion. In other words, women’s intimate partner violence isn’t always in self-defense.

To date, most of the research on intimate partner violence has focused on physical aggression, but Bates contends that the term should also include psychological aggression. This would include behaviors such as controlling freedom of movement, restricting finances, name-calling, and gaslighting, among others. Both physical and psychological forms of intimate partner violence can lead to severe mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

It’s commonly believed that when men are the victims of intimate partner violence, they rarely sustain serious injuries. However, Bates cites research showing that more than of third of men who reported being the victims of physical abuse had sustained significant injuries, such as broken bones. This was especially the case when their female partner wielded a weapon or other dangerous object during the attack.

In brief, the underlying philosophy driving both research into intimate partner violence and governmental policies designed to curb it is based on outmoded gender stereotypes. First, it assumes that men are much more aggressive than women. And second, it assumes that women are too weak to physically challenge their male partners. While this may be true in cases of bare-handed combat, weapons are the great equalizers of physical aggression. Moreover, when psychological abuse is added to the mix, we can easily see that both genders are equally likely to be the initial aggressors in intimate partner violence.

To survey the extent of intimate partner violence against men, Bates invited males who had been the victims of aggression in the home to respond to an online survey containing a series of open-ended questions on this. In particular, the survey asked them to report incidents of aggression as well as other forms of coercive behavior.

Afterward, Bates conducted a content analysis to discern common themes in the responses. Under the category of aggression, she found three types that were regularly reported, namely verbal, physical, and sexual aggression.

Verbal aggression included acts such as making threats, screaming, and following their partners around the house demanding that they engage in the fight. This type of pursuit-and-withdrawal dynamic is commonly seen in arguing couples, and it’s clearly not an effective approach to dealing with relational conflict. However, in the cases reported in this survey, verbal attacks often escalated to physical aggression. That is when the man refused to respond to the accusations and threats hurled at him, his partner often resorted to hitting him with objects or throwing things at him.

Respondents reported that physical aggression, in particular, puts them in a difficult situation. They had no desire to hurt their partner, and yet they felt a need to protect themselves. At the same time, they feared that any attempt at physically restraining their partner would be interpreted by others—especially those in the legal system—as yet another case of a man committing violence against a woman, and thus all his fault.

The very idea of women committing sexual aggression against men runs counter to general assumptions, and yet it was commonly reported in this survey. For instance, one man reported how his partner handcuffed him to the bed frame while he was sleeping and then proceeded to sexually torture him. Others described incidents in which their partners demanded sex either after or even while verbally berating them, and often under threat of violence of a false report to the authorities if they didn’t comply. In sum, these findings show that women can be just as physically abusive as men can be.

Under the category of coercive behaviors, the respondents reported the typical range of manipulative actions. These included various attempts to limit the partner’s personal freedom and to isolate them. For instance, their partners would demand access to their mobile devices, forbid them to meet with friends and even family members, and restrict the amount of money at their disposal. Gaslighting was common, as were denigration and humiliation. Threats of taking away the children or self-harm were also common.

A weakness of this study is that it did not get at the frequency of intimate partner violence against men. Nevertheless, I think there’s already an important take-home message from these data. Namely, the patriarchal model of men as the aggressors and women as helpless victims is inadequate.

It’s important to understand that aggression isn’t an inherent characteristic of manhood. Indeed, I would argue that most men want to love and cherish their partners and have no desire to harm them. This assertion was certainly borne out among the respondents in this survey.

Rather, violence is a symptom of mental illness. Men who suffer from depression, low self-esteem, or personality disorders, among others, often lash out against their intimate partners to assuage their own emotional anguish. But the same is true for women suffering from various forms of psychopathy. Our attitudes about intimate partner violence need to change to reflect this fact.

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202001/can-men-be-victims-intimate-partner-violence