This might take a lot out of me but I've got a lot going on so here it goes.

The pre-op appointment.....I didn't exactly mention to the nurse there about my chest pain and the arm pain and some of the other pain I was experiencing out of the fear that I might lose the surgery entirely. I went through an EKG like a month ago at least and a chest x-ray, they found nothing wrong. I've went to the ER before for similar pain and issues in the past, they found nothing then either and sent me back home. At the pre-testing appointment tomorrow, an EKG will be run I think and blood tests will be run as well so if there is something wrong, the nurses will pick up on it then. If not, I'll just push through on to surgery but there are a few other complications. Mainly involving my family and especially my mom.

In the past, she wasn't helpful when it came down to surgery. I had a urologic surgery done 2 years ago. And when I came home, after only a few days, my mom immediately wanted me to go back to doing chores and stuff. My friend at the time told me that I shouldn't do that because it could cause complications involving recovery. I stood up to her and she didn't take it well. She said I was basically full of shit and that other family members had surgeries and went back to work the next day, stuff like that. When I knew she wasn't gonna compromise and kept yelling and stuff, I went to my room, shut the door and locked it. When I refused to talk to her while she was yelling and wasn't calm, she threatened to kick me out of the house. Then, she called my dad and got him to come over and get him to open my bedroom door. There was a lot of yelling. My friend advised me to call the police if things got tense and that's what I did when my mom picked the lock to my door kinda and opened it so they can get in. My dad was yelling at me so much and he was so angry I thought it would get physical. He never got physical before but there are times where I thought he would get mad enough to hit me. So I called the police at that point. When a police officer arrived, it didn't turn out well. "Her house, her rules" he said and I was told that it's not illegal for her to unlock a door in HER house. Basically, I was told there was nothing he could do and he left. Ultimately, I was the one that had to apologize to them for everything. That's how things went during that time after I had surgery.

When I had surgery a few months ago, during recovery, it was hell then too but my mom wasn't exactly super threatening. But she was kinda impatient to know when I would recover so I can go back to doing the chores I usually do. That time was hell but somehow I got through it. My mom does gossip a lot to my family though. Whenever she talks about me, it's bad stuff and it's pretty much a negative portrayal of me. How I'm being unreasonable, how I always lie and keep secrets (how I lie to my therapist) and she told one of my cousins how she overhears some of my private conversations. Plus, she has cameras in the kitchen, the garage, the front of the house and she would've put one in the backyard too but I convinced her not to do that. She thinks it's no big deal btw. I try to keep my distance from her but things sometimes in the house can get intense and sometimes, she can get passive aggressive and thinks that I hate her and stuff. I have tried reasoning with her and pointing out some of the things she did and her behavior. She always minimized or denied what she did or said or just project things back on me and kept saying "Do you hate me? Do you care?". So talking to her doesn't help because I know she's not gonna change but deep down, I think sometimes that now that my dad's dead, I think she can change. But I know realistically, that's not happening.

This all leads back to surgery because I still depend on my mom for a lot of things. And there are a number of ways things can turn sour. I'm worried that if I don't let in my mom and my cousins and stuff in enough, they will be reluctant to help and nobody else will be available to take me to surgery. There's the pain I'm having which comes and goes and the diabetes isn't helping. I'm doing my best to manage it but it's still hard (even with some of the doctor's instructions). My ex-friend told me, before we separated, that I should hire home health care for help in my recovery. I thought about getting home health care through my insurance and I asked the nurse about it and she said she would look into it. Turns out there wasn't an order placed so I'm not sure if that will happen. I am trying to call them though. I didn't really think about this stuff until now tbh because I thought the surgery wouldn't happen at all because of my other health problems. I just thought the option would get taken away from me anyway. So other than depending on my family, I don't really have any other support at the moment. I would even think of rescheduling the surgery until I can work things out but I already did it once and I'm concerned that I may not get another date or a chance of surgery if it gets rescheduled again. That's kinda what happened before with a previous urologist. Because of everything I was dealing with at the time, I rescheduled that surgery several times until I lost the surgery and the doctor dropped me as a patient. So I'm concerned a similar thing could happen again if I reschedule this surgery. And the doctor told me it's either having this surgery or remaining as is and I would be lying if I said that I wouldn't at least be a little sad and depressed if I lost the option completely. If it was still on the table, I would still push through but I don't think it's safe to take another chance like that. So it's either taking this surgery and somehow making this work or I just don't have it. And I'll be out of options. And I have to do a lot on my own. Getting my room cleaned, ordering supplies, making phone calls, etc.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen next and trusting my mom to help out and other family members to help out too makes me.....wary. And of course it can be scary too but I don't have a lot of options. And I want to do something where I make some improvements to my health and not just leave things as is or make things worse. I know surgery has its risks but there is nothing else so.......

The pre-testing appointment is tomorrow and there is still a lot of work to do and I can only hope something works out or at the very least, the surgery option can still be on the table, even if it gets delayed. Because I've been struggling with this issue for 4 years now and I'm worried that things won't get any better than this.