I have been on an upward trend overall, but the fact that it’s so up and down is driving me absolutely crazy. One minute I’m feeling hopeful, I’m getting things done. I’m making plans to improve myself and my situation.

The next, I’m scrolling through old texts while things were falling apart. I was a terrible husband. Just awful. I read about DARVO a while back and today, I reread a text chain from about a year ago where I did it. I thought back on other situations where I behaved similarly. There are so many.

If she believed I wouldn’t change (and she had plenty of reason to), she was right to leave. I regret it so much. I’m committed to addressing the issues that lead to this behavior. I feel like I’m only beginning to peel back the onion, and every layer brings new pain.

I desperately want to reconcile with her, and I know my only shot at that is giving her space and working on myself. We have a young kid together and she’s going to be hosting my cats on the condition that I clean the litter boxes (a chore she hates and would have to do anyway because she has cats of her own… we had a lot of cats together). This means I will have regular contact with her. I have slowly gotten better at not freaking out and spamming her grief and guilt texts. Today, I saw her while picking up our son and was pleasant the whole time. But I have been dying since. I’m in agony with regret and longing. It’s awful. I want it to stop. I have no idea how to stop it.

She has been increasingly clear over the course of this process that she is not open to reconciling. This has been encouraged by my own shitty handling of interactions with her during the process - especially trying to force conversations about my pain and complaints when she asked for space. I’ve gotten better at that. I fear it’s too late. It probably is.

God, I hate this.