Requesting to talk to others who deal(t) with the title

I’m “recovered” , and “only smoke weed”… but the way I use it is unhealthy and my thought process behind it is the same as my old harder drugs addictions..

I know from experience if I’m near alcohol/ opioids/ benzos (my old problems) I take them, every fuking time it’s embarassing im ashamed of how bad at control I am. Before this I was back to alcoholism drunk every day, I think it was mid-October I was. Convinced by my mom and poverty to survive off weed instead… cheaper and my mom was concerned about my health and I don’t want her to be worryt. After a bit I started telling myself I was “recovered again”. But I lack control over my weed use the same way I do with alcohol, I hate it but I can’t stop

Weed triggers psychosis for me. It’s not enjoyable. It worsens my self-mutilation(?) problems, I scratch skin off until I bleed & tear bits, it’s painful and disgusting but I can’t stop!

I undermine it often and say “I promise will not get high tomorrow” , but I don’t, I can say that every day for weeks. I lts hard to stop. I went an entire day yesterday without getting high after couple weeks saying I would “tomorrow.” Yay but, My goal was at least week. I broke it today

Psychosis wise I was doing. A lot better (talking to my voices best help I found). I started hallucinating a lot more and smalll-lasting delusions, since I started smoking again, and that worryt me I hate and scared of the lack of control when I’m psychotic. I confirmed today before I got high again that I’m hallucinating when sober, which I know is bad and I need to stop before it gets worse, I hate being psychotic, it’s not fun it’s miserable and scary yet I CANT STOP!!!!! It makes me mad

I know my problem is caused by trauma not any drug

I’m alone, my “recovery is solo … I don’t have professional support. I have a therapist now for my ptsd but we haven’t gotten into it yet, he had to cancel my latest appointment and hasn’t rescheduled yet. I don’t know if I would tell him about this anyway. Thinking about it uncomfortably honest I probably wouldn’t. I try to hide it. I’m ashamed and embarrassed of myself and scared of them hurting me.

does / did anyone else burn yourself on purpose eith cigarettes & joints? I feel guilty over that too. I kind of like it and I feel bad about it like a freak