Advice for a people pleasing SO

Hang_your_halo · 2024-01-25T12:48:32+00:00

I struggled with the idea that my husband does things he doesn’t want to for me. I’m a people pleaser myself and don’t want him to be unhappy. But after reading in the Empowered Wife, I realized that yes he doesn’t want to do those things on his own, but he does want to make me happy which means doing those things. He’s not unhappy bc I am happy and that’s all he wants. (He has told me that before)

I think you should trust that he is doing things bc he loves you and wants you to be happy. If he is graciously doing them and not complaining the whole time, then I think he truly wants to do them for you. I also think you should trust his judgement on when doing things for others becomes too much for him. Even if he complains, just hear him and support his decision no matter what!

AutoModerator · 2024-01-25T12:30:19+00:00

Title: Advice for a people pleasing SO

Author doyoou

Full text: My (26f) partner (30f) is an angel and does everything he can to help others, including me.
The problem is, sometimes he can spread himself too thin at this own expense - agreeing to too many plans, travelling many hours a day to see friends/work/spend time with me/drop by his parents' house etc. It's to the point where it's hard to know when he wants to do something/spend time with me and when he doesn't.

I've tried to ask, but he insists that he doesn't mind/wants to because he loves me so much, but at what point is it just straight up dishonesty? It makes me doubt him, because he often complains about doing or agreeing to things with friends that he doesn't want to do, so why would it be any different for me? Btw, this isn't a complaint about not spending enough time with me or anything - we do! It's simply a worry that he's doing things with me, even when he doesn't want to. Sometimes he'll have seemingly weird/random reasons to go and do other things, and it feels like his way of getting out of doing something or spending time with me. Ofc I don't mind him wanting to do other things, like go home and spend time with family, or work by himself! But if that's the case, I would just want him to say that.

It might all be true, but the people pleasing is to the point where I genuinely don't know and I'm starting to read into things more than might be necessary.

Is it one of those things you just got to stay quiet on and let him figure out? Or is it worth trying to bring up and have a conversation about (again)? We've touched on it briefly a few times.

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NoAARPforMe · 2024-01-25T23:30:08+00:00

Sometimes people are not good at saying no and end up doing things not in their best interest. One of the best books on this subject is: https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413472633&sr=1-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty+manuel+smith. The book is When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Maybe suggest reading it together.

red31415 · 2024-01-26T08:23:51+00:00

Remind him that he is a people too. He deserves to be taken care of my himself too. People forget this.

Subject-Visual7547 · 2024-01-25T23:53:56+00:00

Some men have a conception of love that is not emotion-based, at least not on a day-to-day basis. It could be so that at some times he feels less happy to be with you, or more happy to be with you, but to him it could be this emotional swing is not a relevant factor in his desire, so the dishonesty thoughts may be a bit premature.

And this counts for friends and family too, some people have a different structure underlying their actions than you might expect. To some people, love is primarily a duty by voluntary choice. It is often that emotional love is the cause of such a belief or follows it, but not the prime factor in his conception of love. Basically, mental states triumph over emotion, and his mental state is in one of loyalty, helpfulness, and dedication, which might cause subconscious actions like avoiding you for his emotional need. As you describe, I can hardly believe there is a conscious effort on his part to avoid you, but the subconscious is a strange thing.

People with this mental-state view of love, which is an entirely valid and wholesome form of expressing love, have their strengths and weaknesses. And one of those weaknesses is to deny the self to such an extent that the subconscious mind starts disrupting and harming the surroundings, so that the issue can be resolved. You as his partner pick up on his subconscious more than anyone, and perhaps there is a conscious strength in him that is too much, an excess of his mentality and a repression of his emotion.

Instead of asking him to fix this issue as you name it, which he might not understand the emotional gravity of, you could tell him that you feel some disconnect or worry, and that you are personally linking it to this concept you are describing, but that it could be something entirely different. Simply put; you do not need to tell him the answer to your problem, tell him you feel off, and what your suspicion is, but emphasize that you are not sure. Ask him for help to understand yourself, and perhaps both of you will grow from this interaction.

I think what is most important is telling your partner that there is an issue, which is emotionally affecting you, be it lightly or moderately or even greatly, and that you feel it has something to do what with what you theorize, but do not absolutely believe or know this is so. Give him the room, he sounds like a good man, you must use his conscious drive to help, that is the 'spirit' in him that you should call to, from that viewpoint, from your vulnerability, all the force of his ego can be used to help you, and if it is a pure force, I believe it will a remedy for this state of insecurity that you experience.

Best wishes, Man.

Title	Advice for a people pleasing SO
Author	doyoou
Upvotes	2
Comments	12
Date	January 25, 2024 12:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/19f88uy/advice_for_a_people_pleasing_so/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-for-a-people-pleasing-so.1243774 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243774

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