Boyfriend who chooses parents over me

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-10T14:10:03+00:00

I don't think it's unreasonable or selfish to expect your boyfriend to follow through with plans you've already made, instead of bailing every time his family calls. Once in a while, over a holiday, is forgivable yet understandably frustrating. You make this sound like a regular thing, though. You also give him credit for trying, but admit it's not enough yet.

Honestly, I think you're just going to have to accept this or move on. Even if he keeps trying, it seems like he's doing so more for you, so it may always be a struggle. This is one of those problems that will be exacerbated by wedding planning, splitting the holidays between family, and visiting with children. It's great that you guys are communicating, that he's trying to resolve this, that you're trying not to nag... but you may just have to decide how crazy this makes you and if you're up for that for the rest of your life.

I'd say most married couples committed under the realization that there were some things like this that would drive them nuts forever. I don't think this is ever going to completely resolve itself to the level you seem to be hoping. This may just be one of those things and it's up to you how you feel long-term.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-10T08:42:37+00:00

Title: Boyfriend who chooses parents over me

Author doyoou

Full text: I posted a little while back about my (26f) boyfriend (30m) and his people-pleasing tendencies. The advice I got was great so I'm back with a more specific scenario.

He has a great relationship with his family and spends lots of quality time with them. He moved out last year, and I've been staying at his place for the last month due to housing issues. The lease ends this month so he'll move back home and I'll get a new place.

This Thursday was his birthday and a big holiday for the country we live in. On Thurs we had a lovely date to celebrate, until he mentioned that he's going back to his parents' home again after this date (where he'd just been since Sunday), rather than going home together with me like planned. This is bc his fam had booked a breakfast place for Friday morning. I was frustrated as he could've told them that he had plans already, or let me know at least before our date instead of when we're about to head home. I mentioned this, and he agreed he was wrong so we'd just head home together as planned. His father then rings, and my bf immediately switches and says he's going to theirs. I ask him wtf, and he changes his mind again and says he's coming home with me. He went around like this another 3 times before we just decided he'd go to his parents as I was fed up and it was already late. After Friday morning with his fam, he came back to our place.

Thinking we'd spend the entire weekend together as we didn't see each other from Sun-Thurs, he gets another call Friday afternoon saying that he needs to come home for the holiday. He managed to delay it by one day, but Sat (today) he has gone home again for the next two days.

I'm at wits end. He means well, and after our talk on Thurs he made an effort to communicate with his parents, hence delaying his visit until Saturday. It's a 2 hour journey by public transport so it's not like he's popping round the corner. But he's still gone back. I know it's because he's trying to hard to keep the peace, but it doesn't make me, him or his parents happy. We've had good, productive chats about it, and I can tell he's really trying. But it's just so reminiscent of my college relationships, and I'm struggling to process dealing with this again when my partner is a 30 y/o man.

I know sometimes it's best to shut up, but it really concerns me for our future. A mild issue compared to others I know, but if he can't set boundaries with his family now, then when?

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Key-Tie2542 · 2024-02-10T09:52:28+00:00

Forgive me, OP, but you sound selfish and unfair the way you write this. I'm sure I don't know the full story, but that is my first impression. Way too many women are extremely judgmental of men's relationships with their family and mothers, in particular. If his mother was a religious tyrant who later disowned him because he no longer goes to church, women hate him for not being close enough with family. If he loves his mother like his best friend and talks with her often to share his joys and ask for advice, women hate him for being a needy mammas' boy. Women want a family man, but not really a man to spend too much time with his family. OP, I'm not saying that you have a double-standard in this respect, but that women in general often do.

What do you want from your boyfriend? If you feel like your boyfriend is neglecting you by prioritizing his family, you need to talk to him about it, and also think about your position in all of this.

Can you envision a future with him where he spends lots of time with his family? Would you like to participate with him and his family during these times? Is he excluding you from participating? Do you ever hang out with your own family, or your friends, separate from him? Do you feel lonely or jealous as you write these things? Or are you truly frustrated on rational grounds that your boyfriend is being irresponsible or somehow weak? Is he shirking his responsibilities to you, your children, his job, or anything else while hanging out with his family? If you feel like your boyfriend is neglecting you by prioritizing his family, you need to talk to him about it.

In my mind, it would not be fair to coerce him into denying his relationship with his family, assuming that he is actually enjoying spending time with them and not doing it simply because they, in turn, are forcing and coercing him. If you would prefer a man who did not engage with his family as often, you have that right, and you should break up and go find such a man.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-02-10T16:08:50+00:00

You might not find a solution

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2024-02-10T19:17:03+00:00

If it’s mainly the last minute cancelling that upsets you, then perhaps a family calendar would help? Like when they make plans they can put it into a shared Google calendar (or similar app) and add him and you so that you’ll be able to make your own plans around it?

I wouldn’t bring this up unprompted, maybe next time he’s expressing a desire to improve this situation you could gently suggest that it’s the uncertainty and last-minute nature of these plans that bother you, and you’d love to help him by making sure you have time together that doesn’t conflict with his family time, you just need some way of knowing what that is.

For what it’s worth, I’m very close to my family, it’s normal in my culture to spend a lot of time together even as adults, and I like men who feel similarly, but the dropping plans with you last minute to go see them when they’re not going to wait for him to eat together and are then busy with their own tasks would frustrate me as well. You say they’re reasonable people. When they invite him over last minute, does he tell them he has plans with you? Do they not know he was busy, perhaps because he didn’t tell them, or do they know but not care?

LiteratureOk7716 · 2024-02-12T04:21:58+00:00

My husband chose to attend his mother's funeral without me. But he did tell me and keep a FaceTime connection open, so I could observe,which I did. It was a beautiful ceremony. But no one brought their significant others, except his sister, who brought her husband, who looked bored and excluded from the events.

Title	Boyfriend who chooses parents over me
Author	doyoou
Upvotes	6
Comments	14
Date	February 10, 2024 8:42 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1anbwzr/boyfriend_who_chooses_parents_over_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-who-chooses-parents-over-me.1245032 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245032

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