Not sure how to start this so here we go. I am 20M and live close to L.A so the population and diversity is massive which is cool. Until february 2020 I was an antisocial hermit due to anxiety, shyness, bullying, depression, and low self esteem for most of my life. Right now I am much better in every aspect but still nervous at times.

Around February last year I started lifting and got much more muscle, it helped my confidence and I fixed my crooked spine and got better fitting clothes. I am comfortable saying I had a big glow up this past year and a half. but still having literally no success when it comes to my dating life.

I have used dating apps for about 5 months now and with no success. On Bumble I have 7 matches where I have to carry the conversation and give detailed responses and try to seem interested only for the girl to ghost after a few messages. and some matches where the timer expired for them of course. On hinge probably like 12 matches and it's a mix of women ghosting after a few messages, not replying at all, or I match with someone I'm not attracted to because my standards are at the bottom. Majority of my matches are with overweight women which I am not attracted to at all. I love personality but I won't pretend physical attraction is a part of it as well. I saw a post about how it's only fair to expect what you provide and I feel like that's fair. I take care and groom myself, I also am fit and healthy so my looks aren't bad I think. It's clear I take care of myself. So I think it's only fair that I should also be attracted to my partner.

I asked out two coworkers these past two months which is a big jump for me since I have never asked out anyone. although it was through text message. the first one ignored my question and the second one said she was out of town after she quit, but didn't suggest another day so I took that as a no

This fucks with my self worth especially when I constantly see women online and in real life complain about how awful the men in their dating lives are. men that abuse, ignore, mistreat, are rude, immature, use women for sex, etc etc. so many awful sounding men from what I hear but apparently im still not good enough? What the fuck is wrong with me that I am so ugly and undesireable to nearly every women? to be fair It's really hard to meet people with covid closing down almost everything and masks covering our faces but still.

I am not looking to have sex with a supermodel every night of the week. I would be fine with falling in love with one woman and spending my life with her. I want to be a good partner. I want to give love and affection to someone who also feels the same as me. I want to cook for my partner. I want to give massages and ask how their day was. to provide comfort and support. To know they can trust me and we are best friends. I want to cuddle and hold hands with someone.

I WANT A FAMILY AND TO BE A FATHER. I am completely emotionally and physically starved. I have never been close to a woman, I have never had a kiss, held hands, or a hug with a girl. I want to come home to my loving kids and wife, I can't imagine something more fulfilling and motivating to be my best and to always be present for the people I love and care about.

With all respect PLEASE PLEASE!!! Do not suggest that I should just be happy being alone. I am sure once covid is over I can have many things that make me feel happier. I like joining clubs in college and making friends, as well as volunteering at my local animal shelter. But that will never change that I will feel empty on the inside. I don't want to go to bed for the rest of my life alone. Coming back to an empty home. Pets are nice and I love my dog but they don't fit the same role. looking around and CONSTANTLY seeing so many happy couples and families with kids would kill me on the inside slowly. I am so scared of this being a thing for me in the future. I am confidently saying that if I knew right now that I would never fall in love or have someone feel the same for me. I would happily die right fucking now. this life isn't worth living completely alone and unloved, maybe for some people it is but for me hell no.

For the final segment I have to say that while I am happy that I was born as a man I can't help but feel really awful about the expectations and lifestyle that entails compared to a woman. I don't think I can ever cold approach a stranger since that feels really weird but also cute people are everywhere right? I care first and foremost if I want a long term relationship about someone's personality and life. It is much easier for me to be attracted to someone once I get to know them. which is why I ended up having a crush on my two co workers and some of the people I met at my rock climbing gym. But because of this time investment before I ask them out, I really feel like shit when rejection happens. I guess it's better than having lifelong regret of not asking but still. I CONSTANTLY hear people say it's a number's game for men but I am having trouble swallowing that. just keep getting rejected until the lucky unicorn says yes to me finally? Idk how long I can do that for. How much time will I invest in someone asking them out and have it be completely wasted? I am just supposed to shut up and accept this since I am a man?? I am sorry but I feel really jealous with how easy women seem to have it. And before anyone starts bitching at me, yes I know women have their own problems but from what I understand I would HAPPILY take a woman's dating problems over a mans. Just having people approach and ask you out and doing the initiative majority of the time sounds so nice. I constantly hear women say the reason they are together with a guy is because the man started it. But as a man i'm just supposed to always be vulnerable and keep getting rejected which ticks away at your self esteem. fuck man I dont even know. this shit just really bums me out.