Introduction

  • Charisma is not innate, but a set of learned behaviors.
  • When we meet someone, we instinctively assess whether they are friend or foe, and whether they have power to enact those intentions:
    • We assess how much power the person has.
    • We then assess how much he or she likes us.
    • When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression they have power and they like you a lot (high power and high warmth). Power and warmth are two of the primary components of charisma.
  • Presence (being present in the moment) is the third and the primary component of charisma. Making someone feel like they are the only person in the world when speaking to them. Listening with intent.

Charisma Demystified

  • Three quick tips to gain charisma boost in a conversation:
    • Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
    • Reduce how quickly and often you nod.
    • Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

Power, Presence, Warmth

  • Charisma can be broken down into three core elements: Power, Presence, Warmth.
  • In order to be charismatic, we need to choose mental states that make body language, words, and behaviors flow together and express the three elements of charisma.
  • Presence:
    • The human mind can read facial expressions in as little as seventeen milliseconds.
    • If you're not fully present in the conversation, the person you're speaking to will likely notice.
    • Our brains are wired to be distracted, which aided our ancestors' survival.
    • If you find yourself losing focus during a conversation, bring yourself back into the present by wiggling your toes or focus on your breathing.
  • Power and Warmth
    • Power: Ability to influence the people around us. Clues of power are appearance, people's reaction to the individual, and body language.
    • Warmth: tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in others' favor. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through behavior and body language.

Charismatic Body Language

  • Non-verbal communication was used long before verbal communication. It is hard-wired into our brains, and has a greater impact. For charisma, body language matters far more than words do.
  • Our subconscious is responsible for most of our non-verbal signals. Facial expressions, voice, posture reflect our mental and emotional condition every second. If we don't control this consciously, whatever is in our head will show up in our body language
  • MICROEXPRESSION: If our mental state is different from what we're aiming to portray, sooner or later a microexpression will flash across our face.
    • These split second microexpressions can be read on your face by others in milliseconds
    • If there is an incongruence between our main expression and the microexpression, people will feel it on a subconscious level. Their gut will tell them something's not right
  • CHARISMATIC BEHAVIORS MUST ORIGINATE IN YOUR MIND
    • The key is to developing various mental states that produce charismatic body language and behaviors. Your internal mind state is critical.

Obstacles to Charismatic Behavior and How to Overcome Them

  • Any internal discomfort--physical or mental--can impair how you feel and how others perceive you
  • Aim to stay aware of physical discomfort during interaction. If it arises, act promptly to alleviate it
  • Understand that mental negativity--anxiety, self-doubt is normal and something every adult on Earth experiences.
  • Three step process for handling a difficult experience:
    • De-stigmatize discomfort (everyone has felt discomfort before)
    • Neutralize negativity
    • Re-write reality (example: colleague writes a sarcastic email to you, imagine they are having difficulty in their personal life)

Creating Charismatic Mental States

  • Visualization exercise for confidence. Exercises such as these can help create the right mental state and thus the right charismatic body language:
    • Close your eyes
    • Remember a time you felt absolutely triumphant. For an example, an award or accomplishing something difficult
    • Use all senses while remembering. Hear, see, feel everything. Recall this feeling into the present moment.
  • You can also flip the visualization technique. Adopt an open, powerful posture (shoulders back, swing in arms, chest exposed) to access a confident mental state. This will seem unnatural at first if you do not feel confident

Charismatic First Impressions

  • First impressions are powerful. Within a few seconds, with just a glance, people have judged your social and economic level, education, level of success, etc.
  • It is possible to overcome a bad first impression, but you have to work much harder than if you came across charismatic from the start
  • Overall appearance is evaluated before demeanor and body language. Clothing is essentially modern day tribal wear
  • If you want to impress others, look at the range of choices within that environment and choose the upper end.
  • Keep the spotlight on the other person-- people love talking about themselves. When you get to know someone, focus on asking open-ended questions: "What brought you out here tonight?" "How are you connected to this event?"
    • Keep the spotlight on the other person as long as possible. You control the conversation this way and lead it in the direction you want.
    • People will associate you with whatever feelings your conversation generates. Focus on questions that will elicit positive emotions, not negative ones.

Speaking and Listening with Charisma

  • Listening skills are crucial for charisma. Listening is an active activity, not simply letting people talk until it is your turn.
  • When someone has spoken at length, do not respond verbally immediately. Let your facial expression react first, showing that you absorbed what they said. Only after two seconds have passed, do you answer.
  • Taking a compliment: People have difficulty taking compliments. If someone gives you a compliment and you downplay it, they will feel foolish and associate this feeling with you. If you receive a compliment:
    • Stop
    • Absorb the compliment
    • Let the absorption show on your face and let them know they made an impact. Store the compliment in your memory for confidence later.
    • Thank them verbally.
  • To emanate vocal power, use a slow, measured tempo; insert pauses between your sentences, and drop your intonation at the end
  • To emanate vocal warmth, you just need to smile or even just imagine smiling.

Conscious Mirroring

  • Imitating someone's body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport, this technique is called mirroring or mimicking. When you consciously mirror someone's body language, you activate instincts or trust and liking. This is a great aid when you need people to open up.
    • Studies have found that mirroring someone's body language can make you more attractive to others.
    • Mirror the person's overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, shifts in weight.

Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul

  • Good eye contact can give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You cannot be charismatic without it.
  • When you stare with intensity at someone, a hormone called phenylethylamine (or PEA) courses through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon of "love at first sight"
    • In one study, strangers were asked to stare deeply into each other's eyes. Within a few minutes, people reported increased affection, even passionate feelings.
  • Charismatic eye contact means switching to a softer focus, which quiets down our stress system

CHARISMATIC EYE EXERCISE

  • Find a quiet room with a mirror.
  • Close your eyes and think of something that would induce warm feelings--a recent pleasant experience, like time with a friend.
  • When you feel the warmth arise, open your eyes and look at that precise look of relaxation. That is what warmth looks like.
  • Close your eyes once more and think of an exciting time when you felt full of confidence and on top of the world--receiving a triumph, an award, some brilliant news.
  • When you've assessed the feeling of confidence, open your eyes again and note closely what they look like now. That's what confidence looks like.

Posture for Non-Verbal Power

  • Powerful people sit sideways on chairs, drape their arms over the back, or appropriate two chairs by placing an arms across the back of an adjacent chair
  • Big gorilla posture (take up space):
    • When walking in a crowded area, adopt the corresponding body language of a gorilla walking down the street: Take up as much space as you can. Inflate your chest, and walk with a slight swing in your arms.
  • Breathing is also critical. Avoid shallow breathing; take slow, relaxed, deep breaths.

Regal Posture

  • Can you imagine James Bond fidgeting, tugging at his clothing, putting his hands in his pockets? No.
  • Composed people exhibit stillness, avoiding superfluous gestures such as fidgeting, nodding their heads constantly, or saying "um" between sentences
  • THE ABOVE GESTURES ARE IDENTIFIED BY EXPERTS AS LOW STATUS. THEY ARE OFTEN USED BY SOMEONE WANTING TO CONVERY REASSURANCE TO THE PERSON THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH
  • In contrast, powerful, high status, confident people are more contained. They're not as worried about what they're counterpart is thinking
  • Avoid these three major issues when you want to appear poised or regal:
    • Excessive or rapid nodding. Nodding once for emphasis is fine
    • Excessive verbal reassurance: "Uh huh" or half sentences such as "Oh, I agree"
    • Restlessness or fidgeting

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Books Recommended by the Author:

  • Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach
  • Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Robert Cialdini
  • Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl
  • The Mindful Path to Self Compassion - Christopher Germer
  • The Happiness Hypothesis - Jonathan Haidt
  • Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life- Steven Hayes
  • Wherever You Go, There You Are - Jon Kabat-Zinn
  • Embracing Your Inner Critic - Hal Stone and Sidra Stone
  • The Mindful Way Through Depression - Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat- Zinn
  • How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie