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[–]Dorman010 8 points9 points10 points 15 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
What you've got here, my good man, is what we call oneitis. Read more here.
I've been in somewhat the same situation as you. Not exactly the same, but close. It was with a friend of mine at a youth movement - really liked the girl. There was a one-month trip, and she said that if I won't come, she won't, either. I took that as a HUGE sign that she likes me. I tell her I like her. She says she doesn't. In the middle of the fucking trip.
Now, you listen up, and you listen up good. What you are going through is perfectly normal for many people.
We're not going to tell you 'There, everything will be fine'. There is only one way for it to be fine - and that is for YOU to take matters into your own hands. Start by understanding the basic things. We can offer you tools, we can be your peers (r/seduction is about more than just picking up girls - it's a complete lifestyle), but we will not sit you down on that comfy chair and listen to your problems with a patient smile.
That's reserved for r/depression and r/offmychest.
In r/seduction, actions speak louder than words.
So, tell me, what kind of advice are you looking for here exactly? Do you want to simply fuck a random girl? Do you want to enter a long-term-relationship with one? Do you want the basics of seduction? I will tell you one thing - there are no silver bullets, and pick-up lines don't work. It's all you, baby.
It's all you.
[–][deleted] 15 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Dorman010 3 points4 points5 points 15 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
What makes you think that getting a girlfriend will change anything? You will lose your virginity. So what? But I'm not here to judge. Pardon me.
This is clear inner game & Approach Anxiety (AA) that you've got here. You see that sidebar? Read it. Read the posts there. TofuTofu made a huge inner game guide.
Now, let me tell you - this is not going to be easy. At times, you will hate us. At times, you will try to defy our advice. And there is nothing we could do about it. This is you. Only you can make this happen. We can give you tools, but everything that is happening is only you.
Your first step, which I think you've nearly completed, is admitting you've got a problem. You need to be willing to step out of your comfort zone to take care of that problem. There is no magic spell. There is no special sentence. There is no pill or potion. YOU are the one to make the change happen.
Go out there. Approach people (not only girls). Make your mistakes.
What are you afraid of?
[–][deleted] 15 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]KobeGriffin 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Want to get over fear of being rejected? We are apes, living of a speck of space dust, and she is one of about 3.5 billion. Lower the stakes in your mind: you are not the first guy to pick up on a chick and NO ONE will care if you crash and burn.
From here since it is essentially irrelevant anyway, just don't crash and burn. If she is talking to you, assume she likes you. Stop being scared to find out that she doesn't, because she does.
1)Talk about funny stuff in the room, or that you know that you have in common.
2) Ask her about things other than work, and get her talking. Smile at the cute stuff she does, laugh at the funny stuff. Relate to her.
3) Stay on a positive tip. Life is pretty rad after all.
Good luck man. Sorry to give you the "IT'S SO FUCKING EASY" speech, but I used to be like you and buddy, IT'S SO FUCKING EASY.
[–]Dorman010 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Okay, let's see. You're afraid of rejection by girls.
If you don't try, you rejected yourself. Decide for yourself which one is worse.
Let's see how you describe yourself:
I'm a confident person and I am a member of my University's Debate society, where I can comfortably speak in front of 50-60 people. But women are my weakness. I am popular, confident and reasonably intelligent I just can't "do" girls (in both senses of the world) and for twenty years I want to know why everyone else can but I can't.
It's about time you understood one thing, especially if you read The Game - WOMEN ARE NOT RATIONAL AS MEN. Women are not really attracted to an intellectual. They are attracted to the man who is masculine. Read The Book of Pook. It's a bit of a tough read, but once you get used to the writing style, it makes a lot of sense.
You are, to be honest, much like me before I decided to make the change. Only that you're probably in a better situation, unless you're an immigrant like me.
[–][deleted] 15 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman010 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I spend too long contemplating and then it becomes too late.
You took the words right out of my mouth. You think too much before acting. If you want to do something (unless it's something like jumping off of a building), go for it. Women like adventurous guys. How many times did you think "Why is that hot girl there with such an idiot?" That's because women don't fall for stable intellectuals. They fall for adventurous types.
Also, your lack of self-confidence with women is part of your personality. Therefore, in order to succeed, you must change your personality. You can stay the great intellectual with your friends, don't get me wrong, but you need to first be alpha, then an intellectual.
[–][deleted] 15 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman010 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Yes, you need to live for the moment quite a bit more.
Also, travelling is one of the best ways to improve your social skills. So, yes, start there. You're going to meet many people. You will create connections. But make sure that you're not that guy, who sits in the corner and read his book during the entire bus ride/flight/whatever. Be pro-active. Odds are you won't see those who rejected you in the future, anyway.
[–][deleted] 15 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman0102 points 15 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Are you the guy who tells the jokes and gets the girls? Nope. There's your answer.
Keep on exercising, I know I need to (but hell, I'm leaving this country in a month or two). Keep on doing what makes you feel good - but remember: you want to be the one that women want. This is mostly a mentality thing. Keep on reading the inner game stuff, and do it.
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
this bitch offered me this false hope then tore it to shred with a smile and "I'm sorry" is just beyond belief.
Whoa, slow down there. Why the misogyny? You have this all backwards.
She's all over me, leading me on for a number of weeks, eventually kissing me and insisting that she stay over at my house. I don't let her ... It takes me 5 weeks to pluck up the courage to tell her [that I like her]
So basically, this girl threw herself at you and you rejected her. Then you wait 5 weeks before you finally man-up and do anything about it and you are surprised she has moved on? Did you think she was going to sit around and wait over a month for you to make a move? And then you call her a bitch? You need to adjust your attitude.
In most cases a high-quality girl is only available for a very short amount of time. If you don't act quickly then she will get hit-on by hundreds of high-quality guys and eventually she will choose one to start dating. Don't blame her because you were too afraid to go for her.
You need to practice. Go out, meet women, talk to them. Don't worry about sex, relationships or anything. Just introduce yourself to lots of women and have 10 minute conversations with them. Don't get so wrapped up in a single woman or a single interaction.
[–]Lead ModeratorThrowawayPUA 5 points6 points7 points 15 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
No, she didn't offer you false hope, and she's not a bitch. YOU blew it, not her. She made herself available to you, and you did nothing. So she moved on because she thought you weren't interested.
So stop being a wuss and learn how to escalate, and express your sexual self with a woman. This should be your wake up call. Some guys need a slap in the face before they realize something is wrong. I know I did.
[–]tejmin 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
But she still could have told me much earlier she was "seeing someone" rather than waiting for me to tell her and laugh me off.
Here's the thing. She doesn't owe you anything. No body owes you shit. No man. No woman. No child. Nobody owes you dick. It's not up to her to tell you every little detail about her life. It's up to you to find out.
She's not waiting around for you. The way the shit works man, women are ogled, gawked at, approached, cat called, hounded, and judged every fucking day of their lives by men. They're chased all. the. time. At no point is a woman going to wait for you, unless she's crazy for you. And even then, some dude is going to try to slip into her mind like a serpent, and unravel that attraction and direct it towards himself. That's what we men do. We hunt women. We try to put our seed in the garden.
So, you waiting around like you did, only opened up the door for another man to slide in and take your girl.
You do need to move on. You do need to learn that lesson. It ain't easy. It never is.
There is hope.
Once you come to the realization that most people are just trying to get by, ebbing and flowing across this earth, through time, that they too are just like you - a human, a person, a being - you can really start to open some doors for yourself. Me, I still haven't quite gotten it yet, but every tiny breakthrough on the path is mind fucking. It really opens you up to talk to people. Not with an agenda. Not with a purpose. But just to communicate with these people. We're social beasts.
Me, I like to sit in busy areas and just watch people. I do. I just watch the people move around me. I focus on their beings, not their selves. I don't get to do that where I live at the moment, but that's all about to change (I'm moving to Denver in about 2 weeks) - and each time I sit for an hour or two or three, I come a little bit closer to the knowledge that is all around me. Try it sometime. Go somewhere heavily populated with pedestrians and just watch them.
Men and women are just people. Talk to them. It's a huge booster in confidence. You'll meet some assholes. You'll meet some bitches. You'll meet some nervous wrecks. You'll meet some defensive folks who think you're about to rape them. You'll meet some more defensive folks who really don't know what to make of you. You'll meet some asshat with an inferiority complex that will try to punch you if he or she thinks you're capable of being better than them. It's natural. It's normal.
How do you fix it? Come to that understanding that only you can find for yourself about people. Here's a metaphor for you:
I asked my doctor what the deal was about my receding hair. I wanted to make sure it wasn't falling out because of some skin condition, and to make sure it was normal that my 25 year old ass was starting to lose hair.
He said to me "it's normal. You're growing older. You're healthy and fine, and this is normal."
"So what can I do about it? I like my hair, it looks good on me!"
"You can do one of two things:
You can fight it. These are the men you see with comb-overs, with wigs, with toupees and the whole gamut of products used to keep that hair. These are the men who cry about their hair.
You can embrace it. These are the men you see who are bald. These are the men who move on and adapt. These are the men who make their women cry after the beautiful sex they just had.
Those are your options. You pick."
Straight up. That's what he told me. My jaw, I picked up from the floor.
So those are your two options in this case.
You can fight it. You can beg and pine and crawl your way back into her life. You can drive yourself mad with this woman. She may cave, she may accept you into her life. She may not. You will miss the mountains of women around you who are willing to be with you, for this one.
You can embrace it. You can learn from this woman, and you can see that she too has her own life to lead. Her path is diverging from yours, and that's fine. You can accept that you made the mistake of waiting for so long, and that's fine. It absolutely is. There are hordes of women on this earth, and one day, you'll find yours. Whether there are 14 of them for you, or 1. You'll find yours. You can embrace patience.
It's going to be OK. I can promise you that. You're what? 20? Shit dude, I'm only 25. I'm only 6 years into sexytime with women, and I can say that in these last two, I've learned more about myself and about women than I have in the rest of my life all together. This thing that you're struggling with though, it will work out. Be patient with yourself. Embrace the knowledge of your wrongs, and integrate the knowledge of your successes. You will be just fine.
d:D
[–]surfsupNS 3 points4 points5 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dude, if a girl shows genuine interest In you, and you have alot in common, and see a good relationship potential, the worst thing you can do is wait. Plenty of girls are a little involved with more than one guy at a time, and if you don't accept her advances, she will move the fuck on. This exact same thing happened to me last spring. I learned my lesson the hard, painful way the Same as you. If she us making moves, it's because you are not. Next time make the moves, and win the girl.
[–]doomgoblin 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think you're putting the pussy on a pedestal. Girls are people just like guys, don't be afraid of them because they look a little different. Look that girl already threw herself at you trying to stay at your house, you said you were being a gentleman, but I think you were being a pussy. Stop being afraid.
Sorry, I know it sounds harsh.
[–]MaysonNSS 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I know your pain all to well my friend.. I like you experienced this same result time and time again and each time I became a little more calloused toward women.
The first thing is to understand that scarcity breeds obsession. When you do not have a healthy dating life and have no potential partners you tend to fixate yourself on that one person who shows you interest. You analyze them, ask for expert advice, talk about them with your friends and stalk their facebook in hopes to find out something you can do to “get them.” When scarcity becomes a part of your life then obsessive behavior is sure to follow. This scarcity also lies to us because it tells us that by not doing these behaviors we will never stand a chance, but the irony is by doing these behaviors we cause ourselves great suffering and ruin any chance of developing anything with that person. Neediness is the most unattractive quality one can possess but scarcity thrives off of it.
You need to learn how to change your behaviors with women if you want a different outcome. Until you attain meaningful, consistent success in your dating life with the type of person you desire, you through your own inexperience will limit your ability to find the type of person you want and sustain a healthy relationship.
[–]stayhigh 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
r/relationshipadvice is a good place to cry about girls. this post made me depressed and now i'm going to go back to work.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You are looking at the situation from your perspective, you need to put yourself in her shoes.
Your perspective:
Her perspective:
Suppose you swapped the attributes around, you're a male that's always out, doesn't know what reddit is, always meets new women, always chatting with people for fun. Would you care about what a single girl wants from you when you're meeting 5-10 new girls a week? Probably not, you'll go for the first girl that gives you what you want.
Don't blame the girl, blame the social life you've built yourself.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Even if you're the most socialable coolest redditor, your social skills aren't nowhere as near as lets say, a jockey football player who spends most of his time outdoors, with friends, and then meeting new people.
This has nothing to do with your looks or who you are, it has to do with the time your spending. Get the book "Emotional Intelligence".
Cheers
[–]KobeGriffin 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Have to strike when the iron is hot my son. Walk the fine line between forcing something and being a pussy.
Be the man you want to be. There is no try.
[–]reph 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh, dude. Internet man-hug.
You will get plenty of good advice here. Mine is simple: never directly tell a girl you like her. It tips your hand and destroys her fun. She wants a guy moderately out of her league, that she has to go through a pattern of positive and negative emotions -- with an uncertain outcome -- to get. Game is all about creating this experience for her.
[–]heresmokethis 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
First off, I feel for you man. It sucks to be rejected. However, think about it from her perspective. She kissed you and tried to stay at your house.
Basically, the subtext there was, "I'm gonna have sex with you." And you said no. Think about how much it sucks to have your sexual advances rejected. Now multiply that times a million, and that's how badly a girl takes it. She probably cried for hours after you shut her down. You humiliated her pretty badly.
But there is a lesson in everything. Moving forward from this, know how important it is to continue escalating. And even if you shut her down that night, you needed to fuck her the very next day.
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[–]Dorman010 8 points9 points10 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (15 children) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman010 3 points4 points5 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]KobeGriffin 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman010 1 point2 points3 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Dorman010 2 points3 points4 points (7 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Dorman010 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Dorman0102 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lead ModeratorThrowawayPUA 5 points6 points7 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]tejmin 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]surfsupNS 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]doomgoblin 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MaysonNSS 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]stayhigh 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]KobeGriffin 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]reph 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]heresmokethis 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link