TL;DR - I'm a male in my lower 20's, I'm passionate, I dress well, I look good, I have a cool apartment, I travel, I have a cool job. Basically on paper and in appearance, I' m awesome. I went down the checklist of what a guy needs to do and did it. The problem is, it's not working. It hasn't made me better with women, it's made me worse and I'm miserable. Please help me fix it.

A few years back when I was 20-21, I was a regular beta dude. Being a beta, I was able to comfortably approach girls nonsexually, play the friend zone, be the shy guy and score with average chicks. It was a peaceful existence- until a few years ago when I decided that I wanted to step it up. I wanted to become "the man" because I was tired of 5s and 6s, I wanted 9s and 10s and I wanted them all the time. I wanted to just be awesome; so I did. I worked hard, I quit my old boring job, I became passionate about things, I traveled, I moved out, I've grown into my face and got better looking. Basically, I'm twice as interesting and good looking as I used to be a few years ago. Unfortunately, while I was making these improvements, I was getting worse with women.

Nowadays, I feel like I have that coveted "value". But because I have it, it makes it that much worse when a girl doesnt take me up on it. My ego gets bruised a lot harder, because I feel like I am falling from a lot higher. Sometime I think being a beta who was the underdog was an easier position to play. Failing was no big deal. Being alpha requires you to be on your A game all the time and be what people expect you to be, consistently. I am thrown in and out of state really easily. I went to a bar with a pack of girls whispering about me and couldn't do it because I wasn't in state. I was stared down by a cougar on the train and did nothing, because I wasn't in state. Yet I've had glimpses of me being the man, times where I was the lifeblood of a party - but I can't get there all the time.

The pressure to live up consistently to expectations makes me even more beta more of the time because I'm afraid of screwing up. The more I feel beta, the more beta I got. An HB9 approached me at the bar the other night with very clear intentions, and I couldn't string enough words together to hold a conversation for the 10 minutes I needed to take her home. I was paralyzed by what I thought she expected of me from my body language/look. My inner game is fucked up. Its really frustrating because I feel like my current potential is so high, yet I cant capitlize on it. This fear has firmly rooted itself and has self perpetuated to the point where I can't even chat up the girl at the coffee shop. I've had sex with 2 girls in 3 years. I know that we are supposed to be outcome independent but how long can I try before I just give up and go jerk off for the rest of my life?

I know this is completely in my head, but I really cant think through it.

Help a brother out here.