When is it "being insecure" and when is it "being realistic"? I'm confused, shed some light on this...

We_Are_Legion · 2018-09-21T17:51:25+00:00

I have rarely read a more deluded post so utterly convinced of its rationality.

This is not an insult, but merely an observation. If its hard to see the source of your limited view, then I will describe the problem in plain words: You've intensely invested your identity (your worth, your self-image) and made it dependent on whether a woman chooses you or what she really thinks of you ("oh, she must be thinking badly of me under the surface. I'm only 5'11.").

Even simpler words: You have a huge ego.

Your ego has convinced you these things truly matters. It does not.

Your ego is insecure, and it makes you suffer as you struggle to resist things you have no control over and that you don't need to resist to be happy. You can be as happy as a billionaire lottery winner as a recently disabled car accident victim and there are scientific studies that show this.

Please humble yourself and listen to your underlying feelings which know the truth in what I'm saying. (EDIT: In case you stop reading here and take nothing else from this post, I do want to direct your attention to a link on the main TRP side bar. Maybe it will get through to you. I love that post so much. Its called "One Key Step To Not Giving A Fuck.")

When I first started reading the biographies of great men, I thought that truly confident people must be in a state of delusional optimism about their chances. To be attractive and successful, I had to delude myself as well. It didn't occur to me to believe them when they told me the secret was not to be utterly sure that success will happen, but to realize the truth that it doesn't matter either way.

When I started reading the works of Great Masters and started learning about meditation and enlightenment and other such things, I started learning about the core dysfunction: ego.

Learn to let go of ego, and you will understand that being a 4"11' disabled man next to a 6"5' basketball star doesn't necessarily mean to suffer. That you can be at peace in that moment as well. (Though I will admit it is harder and the path to that enlightenment is less intuitive. Lets just stay with your normal height for your understanding.)

You are rationally right, that one cannot guarrantee that things will not go wrong nor that the woman will leave you for being too short. Blah blah blah. Its all true, it can happen. But its also not a problem. It is not a life threatening issue nor is it what is driving a stake through your heart right now. That pain is fear, caused by your ego, and that is your core problem.

How to let go of ego:

Sometimes that letting go can come from heartbreak itself, and the cure is exposure therapy. You let relationships happen and fail so you'll face your fear. Most of the time, your shortcomings dont result in catastrophe. Sometimes they do. When you eventually do encounter the pain, realize that it isn't that bad, realize that you can survive it, or that at the very least, realize that in this second, in the PRESENT, you're still alive and kicking and that the past doesn't define you. You don't need to suffer. Eventually, the feeling that you're OK in this second extends to the next second, and then a minute has passed and then an hour. With more breakups, you've trained yourself to readily let go of past and live in the present, and you learn that you can easily survive the pain, which eases your anxiety of it happening again in the future. Eventually, you live in the present, at least around this one issue, for the rest of your life. This approach backfires and fails when the pain seems to be too much and instead of accepting it, you try to run from or control it or deny it or do anything other than accept it and smile at it.
Sometimes letting go comes from alcohol, drugs and other distractions (including endless eating, porn, TV, games, whatever). You don't do anything because you are not good enough anyway. This approach always backfires as escapism becomes addictive. And you have only distracted yourself from pain, not gotten rid of ego.
Sometimes letting go comes from encountering your mission in life. Becoming obsessed over building your company or perfecting your art has a great side effect of taking your mind away from your pain. This approach backfires if it becomes a means of escapism from pain, rather than done for its own sake.
Sometimes letting go can come from nihilism and the realization that nothing matters. Positive nihilism, negative nihilism, etc. Take your pick. The red pill forum is full of these types. This approach does not always backfire as long as the nihilism is positive. However, it also doesn't work. Your brain wasn't evolved to not care. Your brain was evolved to care. It will punish you hard for the things you should care about no matter how many books you read on why it shouldn't. Nihilism is a party trick of the rational mind. It may well be true, but the truth only works because it distracts your mind in the hope it doesn't punish you.
Sometimes you delay letting go by getting some new ass to assuage your needy ego again. This is highly enjoyable, highly recommended. But it isn't letting go of ego exactly. Often, your ego just trashtalks the last girl ("your loss, baby! You thought I wasn't good enough!) and attaches to the new one. The disease is still there. The pain and fear of inadequacy.
Sometimes letting go can come from Inner Game/Enlightenment. Like meditation or reading the insights of wise men who teach you how to let go of ego and with it, judgement, reactivity, and the disease of incessant thinking. You stop being so invested in the outcome and you stop confusing the outcome with Who You Are. Surprisingly, the red pill forum is also full of these types. There is no backfiring to this as far as I know. And it is the cure for fear and suffering far beyond just women.

I personally took all 6 paths. There may be more, but I only took these. The one that finally freed me was spiritual enlightenment.

I wish you well on your path. It is my belief that they all eventually force you onto the sixth.

simbarlion · 2018-09-21T17:44:29+00:00

Maybe I just don't know the definition of insecurity.

It's pretty much the opposite of security.

KingZeeke · 2018-09-21T17:47:20+00:00

Insecure: Trying to mask away something you have no control over.

Ex: Wearing a hat when bald, beard to cover double chin, threatening women with violence to keep them loyal.

You can rock the bald hairstyle without wearing a hat, that is being secure.

You can wear fitted clothes and be chubby that is being secure

You can let your girl do her thing and not worry about being cheated on that is being secure.

All those scenarios dont change the fact you are bald, fat, and woman would cheat if she wants no matter what. Being secure means you don't let it affect you nor you do you actively try to prevent it from happening (cause you cant!). Does it suck to be bald, fat, cheated on? Absolutely. Does it affect your life? It shouldn't. Deal with the hand you are dealt with.

Realistic: Is similar to the WoW analogy you gave. You can be secure but you can be realistic too. I can be totally secure with who I am, but I am real enough to know that hitting on that 10/10 model will not work out. I can be secure but I am real enough to know that 6'5' chad can pull better rate than me (doesnt mean I cant pull). Thats being realistic.

SuperCrazy07 · 2018-09-21T21:41:05+00:00

I found your problem: You give way too many fucks about things out of your control.

Shit happens. Be confident in your ability to handle it when it happens and you won't have to post a novel on all the different ways things might go wrong.

PS - when was the last time a girl left because someone was two inches taller or was a billionaire (LOL)? I've lost zero women to billionaires.

Ubiquitous-Toss · 2018-09-21T17:48:55+00:00

One of the facts of the marketplace is that it is made of people and people act based on emotion. Sure you might literally be shorter than the person next to you but the impact that has on your value can be minimal if you don't act like a bitch and cry the moment someone mentions it. (That was hyperbole, what likely is happening is your getting butthurt and clamming up and everyone around you can see it and now they know your wearing your lesser value like a sign on your chest)

But get this, if you don't act insecure then functionally there is no difference between that and actually being insecure. Physical traits and money may influence value but they are far from the end all be all of value. Just because someone is popping bottles in the club doesn't mesn they aren't an absolutely boring downer to have a conversation with.

johnpayne10 · 2018-09-21T18:04:24+00:00

First of all, if you are asking a question and seeking genuine help, be polite. To answer your question, being realistic' and 'being insecure' are not opposite. Besides, I think you have the whole 'insecure' thing wrong. You make it sound like you are going to fight for one girl with the 6'5" male model rapper. As long as you are in the top 1%, you are already above the rest 99%. Doesn't that make you feel secure? Or do you still want to feel insecure by comparing yourself with Leonardo DiCaprio? It is laughable to think like that.

You wanna feel secure? Compare yourself with the guy you were a year earlier. Can you see progress? Have you gotten rid of your beta traits and cultivated alpha ones? Assessing your strength and knowing yourself, being able to read a situation as it is is being realist. Being insecure means you have some unresolved issues within yourself. You can be realistic and be insecure at the same time, which essentially means you are a piece of shit. If you are realistic and aim at bettering yourself, why don't you work on your insecurity and get rid of it? On that note, you can be secure even if there a taller/more famous guy around than you. There are tons of factors involved. Maybe you have better game, maybe you are richer, maybe you are better looking, maybe you are a better fighter, maybe you are smarter.

This question is more like a glorification of your own insecurities by posing off as a realist. Honestly, this sort of approach will not get you anywhere.

CalvinRichland · 2018-09-21T18:29:28+00:00

I found your problem. Its video games.

DubbleFUPAwitCheez · 2018-09-21T18:30:46+00:00

Confidence when it comes to dealing with anyone else is a game of chicken. If you don't bail out sometimes you get hit and sometimes they swerve.

Title	When is it "being insecure" and when is it "being realistic"? I'm confused, shed some light on this...
Author	RealHedgeFund
Upvotes	0
Comments	23
Date	September 21, 2018 5:28 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9hs6b8/when_is_it_being_insecure_and_when_is_it_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/when-is-it-being-insecure-and-when-is-it-being.133592 https://theredarchive.com/post/133592

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How to let go of ego: