What is the best way to deal with flaking behavior?

spacemonkeypunx · 2012-12-19T18:14:30+00:00

I just wrote an article last night about this:

http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/153lj1/my_thoughts_on_flaking_and_how_to_react_to/

Don't "fake" being mad. What is that going to accomplish? If you do that, she is just going to think you're a douchebag. I have done that a few times, and that has backfired on me.

You may not like "easy going" behavior but that's because you're placing a high value on her. She hasn't because you are just a guy she is getting to know. Besides, things come up and people cancel.

My best advice is just be chill and don't let it get to you. Honestly, if you think it went well, try hitting her up later on. You got a life as well. If she continues to flake on you, then I would just say delete her number and next her.

half-squat · 2012-12-19T22:09:22+00:00

Respond with a mixture of slight letdown, but casual nonchalance -- something like, "Bummer. It's cool, you can make it up to me. Drinks on you next time!" This conveys the message that you're not just OK/indifferent/don't care that she flaked, but you also don't come off as a frustrated chump.

It also leaves her an opening to plan the next date if she's genuinely interested. Failing that, it leaves you an opening to re-engage some time down the road.

triplexer · 2012-12-19T18:22:42+00:00

"that's fine..."

Was it? If not, I think you were better off just ignoring her and not responding at all. If a girl (or anyone, really) does something you do not like, don't reward or pacify her behavior.

I'm not saying that ignoring her means she later would have rushed to be with you. She may disappear from your life forever. However, when you deny your true feelings you they have a tendency to gnaw away at you far longer than is healthy.

Orcatype · 2012-12-19T18:45:47+00:00

I think the best thing is to be easy going but change the subject. If its datedatefatedate sometimes she actually had things to do and actually likes you but still feels pressured and awkward, at the very least about canceling, (esp if she's cancelled multiple times) and you start to seem pushy.

Trust her, if she's actually a cool chick this is the case, if she's avoiding you she's not actually a cool chick or isn't yet sold on you.

After she cancels, say "cool, sorry you couldn't make it". If she had work or a problem etc sympathize and relate. If she had something fun to do, tell her to go have so much fun an later ask if she had fun! If she didn't, sympathize and offer to make up the lack of fun she had at her thing she had to do by offering a more fun alternative. (Also, don't insist that it is a "date" in such a forceful way. She's a cool chick and you're a cool guy and y'all are hanging out and if there's a connection escalate at the end of the hang out. Making it officially a "date" instead of jut doing something fun adds SO MUCH pressure!)

basically, even or especially via text, talk about how much fun she is having or sympathize with how much fun she isn't having, and build report. This kind of text flirt is awesome because it shows you are laid back and interested in her life and caring an interesting and has all the makings of a first date convo but in slow motion so you can think about whether or not you're talking about yourself or her (hint: talk about her lol)".

Keep it focused on the topic of doing things, specifically what she is doing (don't be nosy, you don't need to know where she is and when and shit. Just, good time or bad time and work up to details naturally). Eventually, the opportunity to suggest doing something similarly fun ("omg I'm so jealous I wanna go trivia nighting"/"I know a way better place to get Mojitos, I swear they rule") or more fun ("sucks you had to work on a Saturday, are there any nights you're free or are you just a total go getter all the time?") then you're on for a second try at hanging out. If it goes well, it was a date.

triplexer · 2012-12-19T21:21:05+00:00

Not enough information to give good feedback, but I will try:

Option 1: maybe you were too aggressive but she kind of resisted going further. Not sure what you meant by your comment so I didn't push it.. seduction is not about pushing anything. Could it be that when you suggested Saturday she agreed just to get out from a situation? That would be in line with her being sounds a bit unethusiastic and cancel on you. being mad??? really?
Option 2: did you have any contact with her between the day of the date and the Friday when you call her to confirm? You know, you make out with her, you have an upcoming date, some exchange once or twice every 2-3 days is fine.

This is the way I look at it, seduction is about creating attraction so on your first date you created enough attraction for her to come to your place and make out, but you were not able to escalate and create more attraction for her to escalate beyond making out on that date or the next one. Everything's fine, nobody but you knows what happened or what didn't happen. At times there's just no chemistry or some weird factor outside everyone's control.

Go back out there, you know what to do. But getting mad is not good, and easy going as in Mr Nice Guy is not good either, there's something about being a Confident Modern Male that has been dealt with many times on this forum. Create attraction, make dates, escalate, enjoy it all.

buddhas_porn_stash · 2012-12-20T06:08:36+00:00

"that's fine, I have other things I can do instead, talk to you later."

comes off quite passive aggressive, imo.

I prefer something like "Oh ok. That's too bad." Much more chill. The other way comes across as "my feelings are actually hurt but i'm going to feign coolness."

2012-12-19T18:26:16+00:00

Tase them bro

SpeakingPegasus · 2012-12-19T18:17:51+00:00

Hard call, on the one hand she might have been throwing out the ol' litmus test with that canceled date scenario.

I know you didn't push too hard from your perspective but maybe the attempt at sex the first night, on top of the non-chalant dismissal makes it appear that you only wanted sex to her.

Either that or perhaps she wasn't thrilled with date one, and hit the eject button.

or maybe it means nothing, and it's your move. Ultimately I think you have to figure that out. The only advice I can give is, you won't know if you don't try.

2012-12-20T11:12:31+00:00

Chateau had some nice tips regarding flaking. Responses to a flake-text would simply be "gay" (nothing more than that, just "gay", it doesn't really show any emotion other than that you see her as a flake), or you can answer smth like "Okay. I just saw ...." And you just mention something you saw that's an inside joke between of you, showing complete indifference to her canceling. He also ha a tip to wait a few days then write to her "Hey Flaky McFlakester, whatsup?" Apparently the 3 girls he tried it on responded almost instantly and wanting to meet up to "prove they aren't a flake"

ferociousdonkey · 2022-05-12T17:47:53+00:00

Your answer was good. But you never followed through. You told her you will talk later but did you message her? She didn't mention rescheduling so you can ask one last time after 1wk

Title	What is the best way to deal with flaking behavior?
Author	triplexer
Upvotes	11
Comments	21
Date	December 19, 2012 6:01 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/154aap/what_is_the_best_way_to_deal_with_flaking_behavior/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-flaking-behavior.1344519 https://theredarchive.com/post/1344519

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