An update on my experiment: AKA, how i stopped being a "nice guy"

After the warm response to my experiments results seen here I’ve decided to write an update for you all. As this is life, and is progressing. It probably won’t be in a story format like before. But I feel with my experiences I should share some insight on the lessons I’ve learned thus far.

How I stopped being a “nice guy”

For a long time I was your atypical nice guy, people want to call the nice guy a bitch, or a pussy, I don’t think that’s fair. Sure nice guys could be called that, you wouldn’t be wrong. But I’d like to try and use a few more words.

When you’re a nice guy, your happiness is dependent on others. You feel it’s your responsibility to improve the lives of others around you, in order to improve your own. The problem we run into is that life requires friction. Nice guys don’t like friction, it makes us nervous and scared. Friction requires an honest response. When you are presented with friction, perhaps you hate a movie, when someone else loves it. Admittedly mild friction, but friction none the less, the problem with being a nice guy is friction is broken into a system of tallies, a good response and a bad response, as a nice guy I needed absolutely no bad tallies. This is an unreasonable goal, and is unfair to both you AND the person you interact with. This results in a dead end, for both you and them. Let’s say that friction was a movie you never saw because you didn’t want to, well a nice guy (myself) will say they saw the movie and really liked it, then proceed to bullshit your way along hoping they don’t realize you actually never saw the movie. Well how much can you discuss a movie, if you pretend you’ve seen it when you haven’t? Or that you liked a movie when you didn’t? Simply put, you can’t. It’s fake and its bullshit.

Like I said, relationships REQUIRE friction. And when you refuse to create friction, you become a bitch. NO ONE wants a lost puppy following them around, excited to do anything as long as their included. Even lost puppies can create friction. Why would anyone (worthwhile) want someone around that can’t have an opinion? When you don’t have an opinion you shift that responsibility onto those around you. And think, do YOU want someone like that around, someone who can’t make up their mind?

“where do you want to eat?”

“oh I don’t care, wherever you want?”

Bitch, I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t want your input. That’s frustrating as fuck, right out of the gate. But if we prolong that relationship, now that person is responsible for your happiness, because you refuse to be responsible for your own. That’s a lot of weight to put on someone’s shoulders, a nice guy would know. It’s what we do with everyone, every day. Now you’ve shifted your own happiness onto someone else, while at the same time being entirely dependent theirs. This creates a situation where they are unable to bring any criticism (friction) to you. Maybe you, I dunno, hum a lot, something you have to make a conscious decision to not do. Well you being the nice guy, just got a tally on the bad side. FUCK, now I can never hum again, because it will make them unhappy. You just got a negative tally and you are losing your mind. They can see this, they didn’t want you to slip into a depression, or over correct in some drastic way. They just wanted you to stop humming, and maybe not even forever. Well now that person finds themselves in a relationship where they can’t complain (create friction), because such minor things like humming, have seemingly huge effects on you. And BAM, now your relationship has no communication and eventually it ends. If you’re lucky If you’re not lucky, you’ve defaulted yourself to bitch. You will lose every argument because you can’t stand having bad tallies. You will lose every argument rather than have an argument, no problems are resolved this way, none. You just sweep each issue under the rug, until they pile and pile like a pebble in your pocket, you’ll begin to be weighed down and angry. Angry because nothing you do is good enough.

This leads us into unwritten contracts. This is where, as a nice guy, you start doing things around the house to try and make things better. Maybe you do the dishes without being asked, god damn I’m an awesome boyfriend, look at what I did! (dishes aren’t the problem dumbass) well if she doesn’t recognize that nice guy thing you did, you begin to feel unappreciated. Well, I guess I’ll just have to do more, and you do. But you still don’t feel appreciated; you still think she doesn’t care about you. Well bro, you did a nice thing, and that’s great. But you expected something back, without communicating that. That is an unwritten contract. And they’re cowardly and toxic. This course of action does absolutely no good, and usually makes it worse. Again, think from their perspective. Like a child you’re going around the house doing chores screaming look at me! Look at all the great things I do for you! Do you love me now! Did I plug all the cracks in my “perfect” little world!? Well no, no you didn’t, because not only are you still acting like a bitch, you’ve somehow managed to act like more of a bitch. And who can respect someone they can walk all over, and treat horribly yet they still come crawling back for more, to try and fix things. Not many people are ok with that, you included probably. This is why if a nice guy actually develops a relationship at length, it’s with the most vile manipulative person you can probably imagine (or they become that), because that’s the only person who wants someone who can be manipulated, who can be treated like shit and come back for more.

So how did I start to solve these problems, I became myself. I didn’t become an asshole, or manipulative, I just became myself. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? And in reality, it IS simple, as in not complicated. It’s difficult as all hell. What makes it difficult is that nice guys don’t like themselves. We think ourselves are broken and wrong, and no one will like us. Because we get that one tally from someone and think all is lost. There are no tallies. There is no supposed to, life doesn’t have a script, it can and often does go completely off the rail. And if you want to have any hope of keeping up with it, you need to be genuine. You spend your life being a nice guy, you don’t become a person you like, you become a person someone else likes. In the case of a girl: I really like this girl, she’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person, if I’m ever going to be with her, I need to be someone she likes.

This is true, you do need to be someone she likes, but you can’t BECOME someone she likes. You can’t put on a mask and fool your SO. Maybe you can with everyone else, like strangers on the street, they’ll believe your mask. But the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? They’ll notice that hesitation, that half moment when you think of what you like, and then say what they like. If you are not the person they like, you need to be ok with that. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you wrong, it doesn’t make you anything at all. Them not liking you doesn’t change anything. They didn’t like you before, and they don’t like you now, they’ll only like the mask you wear, for as long as you can wear it.

I’m reminded of a poem/quote

She had blue skin, and so did he.

He kept it hid, and so did she.

They searched for blue their whole life through,

Then passed right by- and never knew.

We all want someone who will allow us to be ourselves, someone we can be comfortable and natural with. How will you ever find that if no one knows what you are when you’re comfortable and natural? If all you are is fake, they never will.

Being yourself is it's own reward, as was mentioned in my previous post. By /u/itseemstoberaining

i realized that it didn't matter that she flaked, because by sticking up for my own opinion, i began to like myself and gain confidence in who i was. so it didn't matter that she flaked, because well, it doesn't matter.

Yes! This is much of the power of vulnerability, but it's usually overlooked because it's so hard to understand until you experience it yourself. (And it sounds cheesy - not valuable - when you hear about it but don't experience it yet.) The main benefit of putting yourself out there and being real and vulnerable is not that you get the girl, not that you appear more attractive or even that you connect deeper with the other person. Being real and vulnerable allows you to let go of shame, let go of neediness, and allows you to feel better being you. Not hypothetically or rationally but on a deep level. That's worth more than a thousand phone numbers or one night stands or whatever. As you keep growing this way, you'll find that you start attracting women into your life who don't screw you over like the women of your past. You tend to settle down with what you unconsciously believe you deserve.

After five years of talking to almost no one, I’ve been on several dates, I have close friends that love me, a better relationship with my family and everyone I come into contact with. But those are not my victories. Being myself, and being happy being myself, is my victory. The rest is just icing on the cake, and to have “life” be the icing on the cake, is a fantastic feeling. So don’t stop being a nice guy to get the chicks, do it because it’s the only way you REALLY know how to be. Stop fighting yourself.

I’ll step off my soap box now.