~ archived since 2018 ~

To my friend, Mike, who I anonymously sent this sub to.

puafromcollege

July 24, 2016

125 upvotes

/r/seduction

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Post Information

Title	To my friend, Mike, who I anonymously sent this sub to.
Author	puafromcollege
Upvotes	125
Comments	33
Date	July 24, 2016 1:21 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4ud37e/to_my_friend_mike_who_i_anonymously_sent_this_sub/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/to-my-friend-mike-who-i-anonymously-sent-this-sub.1409997 https://theredarchive.com/post/1409997

Comments

[–]tramplemestilsken 58 points59 points60 points 9 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link

[–]kynka 21 points22 points23 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]FriedLizard 8 points9 points10 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]kynka 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Rawrination 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]tramplemestilsken 9 points10 points11 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Lampshader 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]nobody2000 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]puafromcollege[S] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]tramplemestilsken 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Overnight_Delivery 7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]madnus 10 points11 points12 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[–]puafromcollege[S] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points24 points 9 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link

He always seems nervous like he's trying too hard and he gets angry and defensive quickly if someone calls him a pussy, typical AFC stuff.

Even as I'm writing this I feel like he won't have the balls to make an account and ask questions, even though I know it will benefit him. Seriously Mike, I hope I see you more comfortable in your own skin this fall.

So he's got some confidence issues. You are not helping by questioning his manhood. You are putting pressure on him with these expectations, " I hope I see you more comfortable in your own skin this fall.", it can seem innocent enough of a thought but that's not really taking into consideration that there most likely is/are deep rooted issues that make him unable to express himself without worrying about the judgement of others. You can't just take a deep breath and make a manly face to get over issues like this. Shit like this can take months or years to get over, and some people never conquer these things. They are not AverageFrustratedChumps, they are people too, labeling is a way of judging people.

You mean good but you are doing it in a way that will only make Mike trigger that defensive shell and distance himself from you. If you want to be a friend don't judge him, because that's among the reasons people have difficulty being themselves, being too worried about judgement from others. In due time he may be able to rise over worrying about that, but if you want to help him with that it's a bad idea to use judgement for that.

If you've never been in that position then it might be hard to understand that way of being. It's the same thing at our BJJ club right now. We got a couple of new guys who are 16, sheepish, weak, shy, and a lot of the guys who have always been confident in themselves have difficulty seeing the situation from those guys's eyes. They don't know what it's like to not be confident in your own being. These always confident people can handle starting BJJ in this kind of enviroment, you get smashed each class, you'll probably be among the worst practionioners in that class for months, you probably won't be making friends in class because usually new guys drop quick, it's not a problem when you are confident, you can face adversity and overcome it, you know that one thing will not define you. But for these new unconfident guys if they could stick with BJJ, they would become stronger, more athletic, make friends and more confident, but because they lack that confidence in themselves it's very hard to face adversity that would make you a better person because you are dealing with adversity already in your existence.

This is kind of the same Catch-22 that you described with Mike. It would be good to build your character and make yourself better in life, but because they don't possess that confidence it's hard to maintain that strive to through adversity when your existence already is an adversity.

It's not that your intention aren't genuine or pure but from Mike's perspective you are going the wrong way about it. Just change your approach a little and you can be a big help like you are trying to. Also remember you can't force change on people, so you might do your best but it's up to Mike to take it forward or stay still.

[–]puafromcollege[S] -4 points-3 points-2 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

but from Mike's perspective you are going the wrong way about it

Chill dude, you're going off the three sentences I gave about him where I was intentionally vague. He's not a pussy and I know he's got confidence issues that's why I gave him this option. He hasn't said anything so it's very possible he's not interested and that's fine too.

If you've never been in that position

You know my story too? The only one doing Mike harm is you. When my brother showed me this sub, I didn't take it as a questioning of my manhood because he was welcoming; this was at a time when I was near-suicidal about being a virgin and not having any real relationships. The top comments are exactly what Mike needs to see. This won't be a one-day change and he needs to put in the effort, but he needs to know that he CAN be the guy I know he is because I made the same changes.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

He always seems nervous like he's trying too hard and he gets angry and defensive quickly if someone calls him a pussy, typical AFC stuff.

You are getting defensive like you described Mike getting when being called a pussy. I haven't attacked you, I'm just giving you advice. Now you see you judged Mike over getting defensive and here you are getting defensive. Don't take that as an attack but just realize we are all flawed, which is why it's silly to judge people like this.

You don't know my struggles with self-esteem, or what positions I've been in.

Yeah I don't, and that's not really what we are discussing here. I'm just reacting to what you have demonstrated. And what you have demonstrated is that you have good intentions but you are unable put yourself into other's shoes. You expect that the same stuff will work with Mike, and yeah it might but it also might make him defensive as you've become now that I've pointed out a few things.

It's not about if Mike's seen the post or not, it's about your approach into this issue, which is aggressive and as I've said will not go well over with a guy that has a tendency to go into a shell.

[–]puafromcollege[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

How can you be giving advice.

I've accumulated life experience.

You don't know Mike so how can you know what might work for him?

I know what you told me. I know Mike gets defensive when he gets called silly names, I know Mike has poor self-confidence and has trouble expressing himself.

What's actually annoying me is that throughout this whole conversation, you've said absolutely nothing that might help Mike. Only that the only avenue that's been given to him is the wrong one.

I told you to not judge Mike 1. Because he has insecurities and judgement will make a guy like that retract. 2. You are no better.
I explained with the BJJ example how insecure guys may need more of an encouraging attitude rather than a challenging one.

It's up to you if you want to take it as advice or just argue. Like I said you can't force people to change I'm not gonna try to force you to take advice.

And about the avenue I haven't said anything about. I just implied labeling and judgement are not the avenues, nothing about reddit.

We can only base the advice on stuff you give us so it's kind of counter productive to go around blaming the community, or me in this case, for not having info you haven't provided.

[–]koproller 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ReeZoX 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[+]Barsukas_Tukas -11 points-10 points-9 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]Jheron 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Barsukas_Tukas 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link