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ifhybb
[–][deleted] 9 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I hadn't talked to her in a year basically. I just was trying to build some comfort before suggesting a meet-up. I know I should have pulled the trigger and def shouldn't have put my foot in my mouth the next morning. Do you have any suggestions for recovering?
[–][deleted] 9 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Not sure how to PM but thank you for the detailed response. Don't really think a triangle situation is a possibility for me right now so...unless it happens inadvertently at some point, I guess it's a wash. I didn't take the Mike thing very seriously, pretty sure it's a reference to her gay black friend, since it's followed up with "snow bunny blah blah" (she was qualifying herself to me some in the conversation and didn't mention the biggest elephant in the room, dude in her pictures whose name is not Mike) I'd like to talk more about it and give you some more detail and whatnot but yeah I don't have a clue as to how to PM. Thanks for the reply.
[–]LikeableAssholeBro 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Good suggestions here all around, all I would like to add is to also read Models, Mark Manson. Another useful perspective.
[–]Thewelshpill 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (30 children) | Copy Link
that conversation would have been GOLD if it was in person, but you really fucked up by continually texting her without asking her out (rookie mistake).
The reason she dropped the convo is because you were beating the animal activist joke to death and it really wasn't funny. also you shouldn't be texting a girl past midnight, learn when to end a convo.
AND FOR FUCK SAKE DON'T BE NEEDY ASKING HER IF YOU MADE HER UNCOMFORTABLE JEEZ
FYI she isn't sick
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (29 children) | Copy Link
Fair enough. I didn't assume she was telling the truth lol. I know, the I fucked up with the needy bs...terrible. Also def wasn't the joke, I think she just got spooked or something since we were talking after such a long time and maybe she didn't want to revisit any strong feelings. Also she messaged me back at like 11:30, 12. she works til 11 so the time frame isn't just random.
Conversation was on for like 2 hours or so and had many points, not just meaningless banter, she went on about how her best friends mother had died for example, I couldn't post it all. I'm convinced she didn't stop because of that joke, she has a very similar sense of humor. I used to talk to her everyday for 7 months basically. I appreciate the criticism, but do you have any idea how to recover from it was the point of the posting. What would you do in the scenario. Would you re-initiate after some time or?
[–]JeffTek 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link
Just ask her to go out with you somewhere if you want to continue to pursue it. If she declines outright, then moving on would be best option. Also, I don't know if anyone else agrees around here, but I've found that it's easy to go overboard with the inside jokes. I've always felt like if I use them constantly then it's like nothing new is happening and I'm saying everything only because I think she'd like it rather than because it's what I want to say. Still use them but it felt like you beat the activist joke to death in a weird way, and the other texts had lots of other old jokes too. I'm certainly no expert though.
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
I've said much, much more awkward jokes to her before and they always got a laugh. Ironically earlier in the convo we were talking about how my friends gf had a terrible sense of humor and i knew she'd laugh at a joke about a disabled guy, and she agreed and said it was important for whoever she was with to have a sense of humor.
Anyway, when do you suggest I contact her to bring that up and should I just shoot straight and say "look, I understand you've got a lot going on right now, fresh out of a relationship and I came across a tad insecure in our last exchange, I just found it strange. I'd love to catch up in person over some drinks, what's your schedule looking like?" or what would you suggest? More likely, I shouldn't bring up the awkward shared moment but I don't really know how to re-open the conversation and provide enough comfort, while not beating around the bush to ask. Thanks for the reply.
[–]TheXXL 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Don't worry about the jokes you made. I have a really hard to get sense of humor, and i tend to put out strange shit somedays, but it doesn't creep people out with the right delivery. It is all about confidence, then it becomes something like "he's really unique".
What i agree with is that you spent way too much time texting her. You do that with friends, not with a girl you want to have sex with. You could have done the following: When you were in the conversation, and reached a point where it was going really good (i didn't read it all), tell her "hey, i have to go, was nice talking to you again, what do you think, you and me and some awesome cocktails on insert day and time, to continue our interesting talk in person?".
This way you give her a taste what to expect when she meets you, make her want to meet you to feel as good as she felt while you were texting, and you signal that she is on low priority, but you are up to meet her on a time you deem acceptable for you.
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, I'm not sweating the criticisms lol. We have a shared sense of twisted humor so it's all gravy. I agree, I should have popped the question...I was just nervous cause I hadn't talked to her in a year if you read the OP. So I was trying to build some comfort, I didn't know what to expect, having not talked to her for so long but we ended up having a really fun conversation but then she just ghosted me.
Idk if it's because I didn't ask or what. Was bizarre, we have some deep history so it could be any number of things I suppose. So how do you suggest I recover though? Would you re-initiate even after she ghosted you? If so, how would you go about it? Thank you for your reply.
[–]TheXXL 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Idk if it's because I didn't ask or what.
This question can only be answered by her...
Was bizarre, we have some deep history so it could be any number of things I suppose.
Exactly, so there is no need to think about all the myriads of possibilities.
So how do you suggest I recover though? Would you re-initiate even after she ghosted you? If so, how would you go about it? Thank you for your reply.
In your case i would reinitiate, definitely. Give her some time though, since she might have something going on in her life right now. I know a girl that does this from time to time, mostly because she has some rough things in her life. She somehow manages to pull in bad luck, like her father dying suddenly, her getting really hardocre sick, something with her stomach, or lately she almost cut her finger off with a blender, ,leaving her without a fingernail a crushed fingerbone and really bad confidence issues because of that.
Those are things that make her go into solace for months sometimes, only to then someday come back at me, and apologize for it. While one of those phases about two years ago, i tried to meet up with her, and she had always something preventing her from meeting me, like forgetting that she had an appointment with a customer (she works as an investment banker) or getting sick all of a sudden, and after the third try i told her that i would not be angry if she outright told me she was not interested in seeing me right now. She got really upset, and then stop talking to me. A week later i shot her a text where i simply asked her if everything was ok in her life now, so we could meet. She apologized and told me about what happened this time. We met shortly after that and the rest is unimportant.
The point is: People have things in life that make them feel uncomfortable meeting people, and many women go through emotional phases that amplify that. So, you should give her some time, a week to two weeks, and then text her, asking if she would like to meet for a cocktail or whatever you think would excite her. Don't mention that she ghosted on you, since she knows it, and it would make things awkward. Remember that your true attractivity comes from being confident and your ability to make her feel good, this means you can pull her out of her bad mood and take her into a world where she has tons of fun.
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Thanks a lot for the reply man. Yeah I know all about rotten luck, since it's the only luck I have. I don't get insecure with anyone in my life but her lol I'll go months between talking to friends and think it was a day ago. So yeah, just sucks from that standpoint cause I could easily be classically "attractive and aloof" cause i really dgaf outside of interacting with her, best friends and family, so therein lies the rub.
I guess I'm just insecure that she'll find someone that's easier for her to deal with in the meantime while I'm giving her that "space" not that I can control her will or anything, obviously. It's tough surrendering control in that instance when you really would prefer it go one way over the other.
Tough to give them the space when they need it, I'm trying to learn so it doesn't sabotage my potential relationships. All sounds like good advice, though I must admit I am deathly curious as to what happened to your broken lady.
[–]TheXXL 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Thanks a lot for the reply man. Yeah I know all about rotten luck, since it's the only luck I have. I don't get insecure with anyone in my life but her lol I'll go months between talking to friends and think it was a day ago.
I know what you mean, happens to me also sometimes. Life is full of things to do and sometimes people get a really low priority.
So yeah, just sucks from that standpoint cause I could easily be classically "attractive and aloof" cause i really dgaf outside of interacting with her, best friends and family, so therein lies the rub. I guess I'm just insecure that she'll find someone that's easier for her to deal with in the meantime while I'm giving her that "space" not that I can control her will or anything, obviously. It's tough surrendering control in that instance when you really would prefer it go one way over the other.
So yeah, just sucks from that standpoint cause I could easily be classically "attractive and aloof" cause i really dgaf outside of interacting with her, best friends and family, so therein lies the rub.
Yes i agree on that, it's hard to give up control, but it is also pretty liberating sometimes to do so, and sure it is very likely that she finds someone else, but as i like to point out, some things aren't meant to be, so you should just let it go. Not without trying what you can, though, but know when you lost the battle.
Tough to give them the space when they need it, I'm trying to learn so it doesn't sabotage my potential relationships. All sounds like good advice,
I had to learn this the hard way, by being pushy, jealous and needy as hell.
though I must admit I am deathly curious as to what happened to your broken lady.
To preface this, i need to say i know her since about 3 years now, and when i met her she was freshly broken up with her long term boyfriend of 12 years. She was heartbroken, so i played it slow and tried to not fall into the rebound guy role. Over the course of the next year we became good friends, and i started to make my intentions clear, i tried to escalate, she pulled back. I gave her time, we met pretty often, i made my move, she pulled back. Then we met less and less, and it got to a point where we met roughly two or three times a year. This was the time where she had gone through more and more shit in her life, so i didn't bother her.
Last year we began to meet more often, and i shifted a gear up, and escalated more aggressive, to which she opened up a little, but still pulled back as soon as i got too close. Still extremely happy to meet me, and having tons of fun with me. At the beginning of this year she was hard to get to meet, so i knew she was going through something again, i let her have space and lived my life. In may i got in touch with her, and she told me about her finger accident. She was totally wrecked, and asked me if i was still interested in seeing her, despite her crippled finger, to which i honestly replied that this would not change anything for me. So we met for cocktails. There she told me she was getting close again with her ex boyfriend. It didn't really surprise me, so i talked about it with her out of curiosity so she told me it was not being the same as before, and therefore she was being unhappy with it. I thought about making a move, like i always do, but i had been through some drama with a girl not letting me go, basically stalking me, sending me hundreds of texts daily, calling me dozens of times a day, and even after i blocked her on all channels, she texted me again with a new phone number... just a few weeks before that, so i wasn't really up for anything.
We didn't talk after that meetup until yesterday, where i routinely texted her something funny to make her think about me. It is funny how good it works to just give them space, to make them miss you, since i do that she doesn't flake anymore, she is very eager to meet me, and she asks me if i make some room for her in my life, basically starting to pursue me. We made a date for friday, and i'll see how far i can get.
So there are a few takeaways from this: Don't pursue her too much, make her miss you and turn the frame into her pursuing you. Escalate, escalate, escalate. If she pulls away, don't make it into a big deal, she most likely enjoys it, and then do it again Have fun times with her and be patient, but decide how long you want to play that game. To me it's just a game that is fun to play, and i don't really care about the outcome. Women get into relationships, but they also end. And the most important thing is: live your life and meet other women. This way you become so much outcome independent, it doesn't really phaze you when one girl suddenly get's into a relationship.
Really appreciating you sharing that info man. Hope it all works out for you and your ladyfriend, sounds like you must have a pretty solid connection to keep re-connecting and whatnot. Yeah, I have def learned some lessons from being needy before but then I went totally numb and indifferent. She brought out the neediness again, cause I really enjoy talking with her.
We click in such a natural way, she actually makes me laugh, I have never had a woman make me laugh before. I believe strongly that you're correct in just taking it as it comes and not trying to push, that was my problem before. I'm going to keep it fun, light and nonchalant and see if the chips fall in my favor. As you said, if it is meant to be it will be. Thanks again. I will admit and I don't think I would have said this a week ago, seeing how I am very stubborn by nature, if she doesn't agree to see me or initiate contact with me in a reasonable time, I'll be throwing in the towel on this one. Which is a shame but if I've done all I can do, I've done all I can do.
[–]JeffTek 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Again I'm no expert but I'd recommend forgetting that the possibly awkward conversation happened. Just let it go, be confident about the fact that in the end that awkward moment does not matter in the least. Bringing it up again will just come off as incredibly insecure and seem like you need her approval for what you say. Just find something fun to do and ask her straight up "hey I'm going to go do ________ on ________ day, I'd really like it if you'd join me!". This is low pressure as you've conveyed that you're doing it anyway, so not needy. Don't bring up the stuff about her freshly ruined relationship, the awkward moment, any of that. Be confident that you're going to have fun and you want her to come have fun with you.
Edit: as far as when to ask, I'd say maybe 2-3 days after the last time you talked to her? Someone more experienced may have a better or more detailed/reasoned answer though
Yeah...I really suck at asking without something to condition it, just worried she doesn't want to re-visit the past and would talk herself out of it...I def care about this girl way too much and it's affecting my approach, which sucks. It would def blow to be rejected since we had some great times before and she even said the big ILY.
I'm just an insecure douche and often put my foot in my mouth with her. It just feels so unnatural to go from awkward lack of response to "hey let's go out" you know? I'd like to segue into it with less friction. Thanks for the continued responses. I still really have no idea why she would drop out of the conversation like that...and then not hit me back until I messaged her with that needy msg (she did reply immediately, don't know if that matters) but yeah...I'm just worried she doesn't want to re-evaluate me as a candidate due to our history or something.
[–]JeffTek 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
No problem man I'm always down to help if I think I have input someone might find valuable. I do understand the idea of wanting something to condition your question when you ask her out but I'd definitely avoid the things you mentioned. Doing it that way is basically saying "hey I want to go out with you, but since I'm insecure here are all of the reasons you should say no". I don't mean that offensively mind you, that's just how it'd sound if you went that route.
If you do want to condition it, you could do the opposite and remind her why she'd want to go out with you instead of why she shouldn't. "Hey it's been really nice talking to you again after so much time! I'm doing ____ on ___ day, I'd like it if you could join me so we can continue plotting kitty rescue ops [troll][troll]" or whatever. It's more goofy but I've had success with very similar approaches
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah, I have to just stop myself and prepare what I actually want to say rather than just succumb to my emotions and panicked state. Tough stuff sometimes. I know you mean no offense, I felt stupid for typing that out as I was lol I mean I shouldn't disqualify myself, I dont need anymore reasons for her not to accept than she comes up with on her own lol.
That sounds like a good angle to go with it. I think I'll wait til the height of the next conversation (if it occurs, crossing fingers) and pepper that in. Good look bro.
[–]JeffTek 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Awesome man good luck! You seem like you really want to make it work so like you said just give it a shot and see what happens. You can do it
[–]LikeableAssholeBro 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Forget the past. It's a detractor for you, you need to stop living there. It didn't work then, you need to let it go. Make a new opportunity for yourself. Don't fucking say anything about it to her! Just mentally, you need to move on to tomorrow, not last year.
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I feel you bro but I'm sure you've had the experience at least once when you met someone you wanted to spend more than a night with cause you guys clicked fantastically. Tbf I have moved on mentally in my mind, this whole post has really helped to sort out my thoughts, honestly. Looking forward, not backward. Thanks for the reply.
[–]Thewelshpill 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
honestly it sounds like your suffering from sunk cost fallacy, you've invested so much time/effort into her it's difficult to walk away.
I used to talk to her everyday for 7 months basically
you've planted yourself firmly in the friendzone. it's an experience thing, your just going to go around in circles until she meets someone else and you get fed up and move on. this kind of scenario can go on for YEARS, don't be that guy
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
But at that 6 month point she ended up in bed with me after a few dates. She would initiate contact with me about the same amount. Spent some nights at my place and we never wanted for conversation or anything. So I wouldn't say it was a friendzone situation.
We had a strong physical chemistry as well as good rapport, hence me being more interested in trying to rekindle that. You don't come across it so often, at least I don't. I usually have the problem of giving too little of a shit, tbh. She's the only one that makes me insecure, it fucking sucks. You really think there's no way to re-attract and get her out with me so I can try to engage physically again? I feel if I could get her out, I could make something happen. Thanks again for the reply.
[–]Thewelshpill 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
sounds like she wanted to be with you but you failed to make a move. she was probably ready to leave that guy for you as girls ALWAYS have a new guy lined up before dumping the old one.
you probably can make something happen again but you have to ask her out and make a move!!!
[–]ifhybb[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link
yeah I fucked up by pressuring her to decide and not giving her the time to make her own informed decision (fucking neediness she brings out of me) but she wanted to keep things on her terms and I didn't want to accept those terms...stupid move, if prideful, but I knew they'd break up and lo and behold, they did. Hence me trying to reconnect, I guess I'll just have to sack up and ask her out. How would you go about things with how they are currently?
Ghosts you after you appear insecure essentially, so the onus is on you to re-initiate but obviously you just made it awkward, what do you do to help ease into it naturally from there? Thank you for your continued responses. Even if she was bullshitting about the sick thing (you and I agree on that) the cat meme might be the way to play it, I'm not sure. Light-hearted response (she's a sucker for cats) so I can kinda maneuver my way back in and keep the rapport going and stop her from putting the brakes on me so I can ask her out without it feeling rushed and awkward.
[–]Thewelshpill 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
if it was me i'd back off a lot, assuming your talking to her on FB start doing cool stuff with other girls and posting it online, if she's interested she'll bite and message you and then you ask her out.
Right now your in a bad situation because you clearly like her more than she does and the only way to make her interested is giving her space. every time you contact her your just confirming your needyness and lack of options.
So in essence, don't reply and don't ask her out until she initiates contact with me? I hate leaving it up to the women though, since they're a hurricane of random emotions (though she is a bit more level-headed and mature about things tbh, quite logical, harder to game lol...) Do you think it's worth sending that meme msg just to cut the tension? Regardless of she replies, I mean. I just would feel kind of shitty, leaving it at that last awkward point. If only for my sanity lol.
[–]Thewelshpill 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
that's the best way to handle this, you need to learn to give her space to miss you, your being painfully needy and giving her all of your attention is just going to push her away.
I just would feel kind of shitty, leaving it at that last awkward point. If only for my sanity lol.
you keep trying to analyze her behavior when all you need to do is ask her out, don't send a meme just say " hey i'm going to watch suicide squad this weekend if you fancy tagging along?"
either she says yes or no and you can move on
At the height of our next conversation (if it occurs) I will ask her out and rip the band-aid off, fuck it. I don't want to keep dancing around the fact and become more insecure. Thanks again for the reply./
Did send the meme though lol, oh well fuck it. I'm pretty exhausted at this point from thinking it all over anyway.
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