I have embarrassed myself in public for going up to a girl and stuttering on my words, while other people were laughing. I have acted as a fool, a creep, and a loser in the minds of others. I used to think that my habit of approaching any girl I saw was good, but then I realized I derived my confidence from the acceptance I got from those who I approached. I would talk to them, and if they respond positively, regardless of whether they reject or not, it was a good result. But, that was where my neediness came from: an expectation of flattering girls with my approach; a repeated petty courtship that doesn't go anywhere. The need to seek approval from women and those around her: "I don't want the other guys around her to hear, so I'll speak quieter." "I don't want to come off as a creep, so I'll say these lines to her." "I don't want her to reject me." It has become painfully obvious that I have fallen into a very bad pattern that will prevent me from getting laid, and more importantly, seeking greater social freedoms. Right now, I'm just a cowardly guy who is desperate for approval from women.

And thus, I have started to lose footing on myself. I have had very bad days for the past few weeks: I just came back from trying to hit on a girl in the library while there were a few people around her, and I failed badly. She now remembers me as that creep, and that now remains in my mind, biting away at me. I thought it was simple: I go up to more girls, I get better at it. But, that was only a temporary solution. Every time I go back to my daily life, working, getting through the day, I become me: quiet, introverted, and unapproachable to most people. What I need isn't sex, or acceptance from girls, but the thing that comes before all of that: the confidence to act as I wish in public. Because the truth is, I do want to open up in public, just as I would if I was by myself. But, I don't understand what I need to do to develop confidence that won't whittle down so easily. The confidence to be shameless in public. The confidence to take mockery and criticism like bug bites.

It's clear from the way I interact with people, not just girls, that I have to take care of my confidence issues through another source. I am soft-spoken, easy to stutter, and filled with doubts. Though I'm not afraid to take action when it comes to girls, I am still helplessly just as awkward as I was when I started this 3 years ago, despite approaching hundreds at this point. I want to have as much sex with women, but only after I have built myself properly. I need help, and I need to understand how to improve myself.