We often hear a lot of talk about external validation, how it’s harmful and why we should be focusing more internal validation instead. However, I think the terms external validation and internal validation are blanket terms that result in one dimensional thinking, such as this. After thinking about it for a while, I’ve concluded that we should redefine validations in two different ways, logical and emotional, both of which need to be approached differently.

 

Here are my definitions:

Emotional validation is the seeking of emotional feedback based on our actions.

Logical validation is the seeking of logical feedback based on our actions.

 

External emotional validation is what we usually think of when we think about external validation. This is when we act in a way to get specific responses from the other party, which is then suppose to make us feel better. Think of a situation at a bar, when a guy walks up to a girl and starts hitting on her. He’s trying to make her laugh, make her like him, and that in return is used to make himself feel better. However, this leads to needy behavior. He's not approaching the girl for the girl herself, he is approaching her and trying to use her to feel better about himself. Now, think of another situation where a guy approaches a girl at a bar. He’s in a great mood and is talking to the girl for the sake of talking to the girl. He’s not relying on the girl to make him feel good, he already feels good so now he can focus on getting to know the girl more. Although the girl is being rude, he doesn’t let it affect his mood, he’s still happy and having a good time. In the first scenario, what we saw was “external emotional validation” and in the second scenario what we saw was “internal emotional validation”.

 

As we can see, internal emotional validation is more attractive. This is because you’re relying on yourself to make yourself feel good. You’re pumping up your own state based on internal factors. They can see that you’re a person that’s having fun regardless of what’s been thrown at them, which leads to attraction and admiration. You truly have a “do not give a fuck” attitude.

 

However, let’s break apart the second scenario a bit more. In the second scenario, the happy guy approaches a girl but for some reason she’s being rude to him. Turns out, he’s saying things that are weird and a little gross. The girl is starting to get creeped out by this guy who’s saying all these things and lashes back at him because she doesn’t like the kind of things he’s saying. If you were to strictly follow “internal validation”, you’ll think it is the girl’s fault because you’re expressing yourself and she just can’t handle it. You’ll think you’re incompatible with the girl (even when you might be) and walk away. You’ll ignore your own shortcomings and will end up looking like you have no social awareness.

This is where logical validation comes in. In this case, you take a logical look at why the girl is behaving the way she is. You use external feedback (the girl’s behavior) to analyze if there’s something you did wrong. If you pay attention, you’ll discover that she’s been creeped out by what you’re saying. So, it is evident that we still need some sort of external validation. However, the validation must be logical. In this case, while you would change your behavior, but your emotional state should never change. You should still be in a great mood as you tone it down.

If you're being forced to change your behavior to the point where you feel that you're losing that positive state, only then can you say that you're incompatible with the girl.

This kind of behavior shows that you’re not emotionally affected by other people’s actions, but are socially aware and empathetic enough to consider other people’s feelings.

 

This type of thinking is not just for talking to someone you're attracted to, it has countless benefits. Imagine walking into work one morning, and finding that your boss is mad at you. You walk into their office, and they’re yelling at you because apparently, you made a big mistake and now you’re on the hook. In this situation, you don’t let it affect your mood. Instead, you think logically based on the external factors. As someone who’s not emotionally affected by external factors, such as the boss’s anger or the mistake, you have no issue immediately taking responsibility. You’re still feeling good about yourself which leads you to be confident in your ability to fix the mistake. Since there is no change in your emotional state, your emotions are not clouding your judgement while you take the right action to solve the problem.

 

Another scenario would be helping someone. Let us say someone is having a hard time, and you help them out. You’re feeling great about helping them with their troubles, but it turns out they’re being very ungrateful for what you did. They ask for your help repeatedly, but don’t acknowledge your help, and later when you need help, they don’t help you out. It can be deflating to see someone act this way. But emotionally you shouldn’t been upset. You should feel great that you helped someone with their troubles, and knowing that you’re a generous person should make you feel proud. Logically however, you might not choose to help them again. You’ll not choose to help them again because you realize that the relationship is a one-way street, and logically it doesn’t make any sense to continue associating with them.

 

Never being emotionally affected by other people is hard. We’ll all face situations that will make us feel negatively. Personally, the best way I have found to deal with the problem is reflecting and thinking deep about the issue. Think about the things that make you sad, angry or feel any negative emotion. Work to get to the root it. Why are you feeling the way you do? You’ll often be surprised by the answers. Sometimes, the root cause itself will be sad, such as the death of a loved one, or another tragic event. However, even events like this shouldn’t affect your core emotional state. You should continue to believe in yourself and love yourself because such situations are often out your control.

 

Basically, what it boils down to is that you should find happiness within yourself but also be cognizant of what’s happening around you. This allows you keep a positive state while allowing you to grow as an individual. There’s a million ways to express yourself while cultivating a positive emotional state, so try not restrict yourself to just a handful.

 

I’d love to hear what you guys think of my little theory, so please provide any criticisms or feedback if you have any! If you guys want me to expand on how I reflect and think deep, I can make a separate post on reflection, let me know!

Thank you for reading!