How people manage to sustain their marriages past 15 years?

AFPJ · 2014-10-07T22:01:07+00:00

Coolidge effect, do these men in successful marriages still have the same lust for their wives?

The coolidge effect becomes more pronounced with each instance of novelty: porn hyper-exacerbates it.

I have read about women's pair bonds to expire after 5-7 years, the 7 year itch,

I've read about this too and seems that having a child can "reset" this timer.

how do we explain these successful marriages, apart from brushing them off as outliers?

The million dollar question. It probably takes two individuals that continue to be compatible with each other as both of them grow / change and a hell of a lot of effort maintaining themselves and the relationship from both of them.

Source: Have had two 3+ year LTRs, ended both. Still searching for that "secret sauce" myself.

jerry_rigger · 2014-10-07T21:55:52+00:00

They grew up in a different time where women didn't ride the CC and households were more conservative/religious and traditional

gbuckets · 2014-10-08T04:37:40+00:00

Unhappily? Relational maintenance?

SuperSlavisWife · 2014-10-08T08:35:57+00:00

From my readings:

-in the few human tribes where marriages and divorces exist side by side with polygamy and plates, yet everything is unstigmatized, anywhere from 15-60% of partnerships become lifelong

-around 25% of the human population has the potential for monogamy

-seeing as for a member of that 25%, finding a partner who is also from the 25% would be 1/8, that should yield a marriage success rate of 10-15%

-currently there are 13-15% happy, long-term, monogamous marriages

-women with lower partner count and generally longer relationships (where there are any previous relationships), are the most likely to have a long marriage, which implies both predisposition and self-restraint

Conclusion: 1/4 of humans, given everything aligns correctly, are capable of monogamy. When they find another human who is a good match and also that way inclined, they tend to stick together and be happy. Unless you are strongly drawn to monogamy, have never cheated and have maintained LTRs without much of an urge to bed someone else, then you probably aren't in that 25%. The only way a 75-percenter can maintain a very long term marriage is:

-have children

-marry a 25-percenter and have her agree that you needn't be monogamous

-marry another 75-percenter and agree neither of you will be monogamous

kingofpoplives · 2014-10-08T18:54:06+00:00

how do we explain these successful marriages, apart from brushing them off as outliers?

A few factors are at play here:

The grand tradition of "stepping out"
Certain personalities prefer a monogamous arrangement and have little desire for extra partners
Other types have very low sex drive in general and are happy enough with only occasional sex
People sucking it up and accepting certain negative realities in exchange for a long and stable marriage -- the dreaded sacrifice that seems untenable to people today
Don't ask don't tell policies that allow couples to do what they want, but allow the other partner to save face publicly
Social incentives that use laws, shaming, and other tactics the more or less force couples to stay together or face social ostracism

Title	How people manage to sustain their marriages past 15 years?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	6
Comments	6
Date	October 7, 2014 9:43 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2ilm08/how_people_manage_to_sustain_their_marriages_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-people-manage-to-sustain-their-marriages-past.142674 https://theredarchive.com/post/142674

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