My depression makes me think that people dont care about me to hate me... i always chase others.

I try to make people laugh to like me, i want others to value me... i want followers not really friends... i make my self low to others so they like me... i try really hard to get others to like me. I get jealous of others having a gf. Or having friends.

I think its selfish to, to just want those things for my self. Sometimes i be mean to others so they value me.. because i used to be nice. Now i try not to be nice anymore so i hurt others feelings to be friends with them... no wonder girls hate talking to me....

I cant even keep a fucking conversation going for 5 minutes with one girl, i fucking beg girls to reply me. I get jealous of guys who girls are eager to text. When i meet people its fine, after i dont have nothing left to talk about. So it makes me feel empty headed. I feel like a dry, bland, boring person which i am.

I feel like i have a piece of shit personality, i feel like a cheap person, i feel like a inferior person, i feel idiotic, moronic, foolish, and dumb af. I feel like im a fucking piece of shit. I feel like im no fun to be around.

The fact i know all of these but i dont care enough to change and i dont know why, maybe im too fucking lazy. I have stopped fapping for 2 days. I might start doing push-ups.

Why are others smarter than me? Why are others are more intelligent than me? Why im foolish? Moronic? Dumb? Idiotic?? Why i have a small mind? Why im absent minded? Why i have a Simple mind? What does it mean to use my head?

I feel like im the most dumbest, foolish, idiotic, guy to put a foot on this earth.

I dont know who i am, i dont know how to get to know who i am, i dont know how to love my self.. I dont know how to be assertive.. or be confident. Or have my self esteem raised.