What originally attracted me to this community was being told and realizing that the thought “I’m not good enough and girls don’t like me” was an irrational belief and not fact. I stuck with mainly day game because I know that I thrive in one-on-one interactions. I am about 3 years in now and I finally lost my virginity and started getting laid. However, they have all been from either dating apps or a job I’ve held. I have yet to experience a lay from cold-approach. The farthest I got from a cold approach was a girl being receptive to me in a Trader Joe’s, getting her numbers, meeting for a day 2, going in for a kiss and her telling me she wants a guy who believes in God. Recently I’ve been going out a lot at night. Sometimes I can force myself to be in a good mood the first hour and approach a few sets, but mostly I just wander around by myself all in my head. So even though I say I’ve been in 3 years now I guess technically I haven’t even really started yet - I’m doing it very half-assed, not committing, accepting my excuses and being overall just very wishy-washy…

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself it’s that I am truly and completely addicted to negativity - Addicted to feeling helpless and hopeless, addicted to that victim “woe is me” shit… I’ve attached myself to this identity of being a lonely guy who rarely gets laid and it feels almost impossible to break out of. It’s crazy even after banging multiple girls my asshole brain tries to write them off like they don’t count and that they were pity lays - Even though these girls literally told me that I’m sexy and attractive… It’s almost like I can’t feel good about myself without a girl bouncing on my dick 24/7. Needles to say I’ve been pretty miserable. Now when I go out at night as if like clockwork the main automatic thought that comes up is “All these people are better/cooler than me, none of these girls would wanna come home with me” and then I end up just going home early all by my lonesome.

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I say I want to change and in a lot of ways I have. Within the past couple years I’ve moved to a big new city by myself, lost my virginity, made a couple friends, slept with some girls, upgraded my career, joined a gym for the first time in my life and actually started going, gone back to school and made the honors list - But even still, when it comes to meeting chicks out at night I sometimes feel like I’ll always be a newbie.

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It’s a horrible paradox, I say want to change but deep down I know I’m not doing everything I could be doing at getting better at meeting women, and even deeper down I don’t really believe that taking a girl home at night is even possible for me, this makes me hate myself further and the spiral continues downward. On one hand I wanna become a guy who goes out a lot has fun and can effortlessly bring girls back to my place, but I feel so attached to my negative identity, I know if I break out of this identity then that will make me realize that I could’ve been getting girls for the past 10 years, that I myself was the only one cockblocking me, and that is not a pretty realization to wake up to - My biggest fear is that I will turn 40 and be in the same spot with meeting girls at night. Maybe I need therapy idk, thoughts? I guess the big thing I’m asking is it normal to feel like you don’t want to change and become someone good with girls 100% of the time?