47m, tooday is the first meeting with my lawyer since the temporary divorce hearing.

I really don't know what's on the agenda but everything feels weird today.

I've been trying to make progress and to some degree I have..... I've lost 90 lb, I have a better relationship with pretty much everybody else in my life, I've connected with God in a way I never had before...

But there's still a part of me that struggles with the fact that she just completely discarded me.

I think we may have had one phone conversation since she left but outside of that every time I've tried to talk about the relationship she would threaten to have lawyers present.

she has lied about her true intentions in court, she has cut out my family that treated her like a daughter.....

This entire process has been very stressful and grievous.

My counselor and a lot of other people say I need to stop focusing on her mindset and what she's doing. But sometimes it's difficult when you know she's not done doing evil stuff to you in court and otherwise.

not to mention the way she behaves like there was never anything good in the marriage and everything was always bad (The light switch effect).

I believe God is with me. But sometimes the pain tries to rear its ugly head.