I'm 47m she is 42F.

Spent 18 years in a marriage with a person that simply was not capable of being in a normal relationship.

I first met her when she was in college and all the red flags were there. She had just had a mental breakdown and had to go live with her father for a while until she got some medication.

10 years into the marriage while she was pregnant with our second child she had another mental breakdown and had to get on several medications.

One of the medications was an antipsychotic.

She lost her mother at a very young age and she was raised by an incredibly narcissistic father.

I realized recently that for all this time I've been expecting her to feel and behave normally when that was never possible for her to begin with.

A lot of this grief and pain over the destruction of the marriage was natural, I'm told.

I'm sure it is and was... But at the same time I was expecting someone to have emotions like I do.

Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of wrong in the marriage too.... I ended up writing her a nearly seven page letter repenting of everything I had done wrong. But no matter how hard I tried to "fix" things during the course of the marriage there was always an attitude of unforgiveness.

Blame for everything would always be laid solely at my feet.

The disagreements we had would drive me nuts because she could never see anything she did wrong, and almost never accept responsibility for anything.

I was an open book. I would openly admit my faults If there was an area where I was clearly wrong.

I now realize that part of the problem was because she had stored up every wrong I had ever done and even possibly every wrong that had ever been done to her before us.

I guess the pain of rejection makes a person wonder why things like this happen.

For me, the pain is still there somewhat, But I'm starting to gain an understanding of the true reality that shaped our marriage.

I believe the only chance our marriage ever had was if we had both turned towards God and he changed us.

When she left God got a hold of me and did a work in my life and I'm a lot different... I've lost over 80 lb and my relationships with almost all of my friends and family are 10 times better. but she is the exact same.

until such a time that she decides to accept responsibility for her actions, which I don't even know is possible, things will have to remain this way.

All I did at the beginning of the separation was pray for reconciliation.

She made it abundantly clear that that's never going to happen and I feel like God has told me that the door is closed.

I'm kind of afraid to say it but.... maybe it's for the best.

I'm starting to latch onto the idea that, while God did not approve of her decision to leave, he absolutely allowed it.

If she would come back as she is now it would be miserable and I would spend the rest of my life being under her thumb and trying to make peace with a person that doesn't want peace, refuses to accept responsibility and won't turn to God and change.

I'm not saying I won't get emotional from this point forward.... I can't promise that.

But sometimes I feel foolish for all of the tears I've shed over this when the reality of it was staring me right in the face.

It just took me getting to a place of acknowledgment.

I was shedding tears over a relationship where the other person doesn't give a damn about anybody but herself.

Sure, part of the reason I was so upset was because of it how it affected our children....

So I feel like those tears are warranted.

But being upset over a relationship that wasn't even real to her to begin with... a relationship that she did not enter into in good faith.... possibly because she wasn't even capable of it.... I can now see it for what it is.

She has left me no choice but to move on and that is what I must do.

With all things considered I'm hoping that one day I can forgive her for the pain that she's put me through.

I think it's critical that all of us, regardless of the differences in the divorces we may be going through, must somehow acknowledge the reality of the totality of the relationship.

If a person has made it clear that they want nothing to do with you then it is your duty to move on. It's your duty to yourself and, if you have children it's your duty to them too.