I want to divorce my wife and kids

ideastoconsider · 2024-08-25T15:06:07+00:00

One thing that happens at the end of relationships is confirmation bias. At this stage, you will elevate and nitpick any reason to justify your current or potential near term actions. Watch out for this as it is does distort reality.

If you choose to go down this path, you will find after a honeymoon period…8-12mo…that this new person has faults and baggage of her own that you can similarly nitpick into deciding that she may not be your person either, for different reasons (her ex is a pain, her kids don’t respect you, she doesn’t respect your kids, she doesn’t think you respect her kids, she thinks your kids don’t like her kids, she thinks you should pay more bills and her less, etc.) At some point reality finds its’ way back.

In addition, your kids, whether you recognize it or not are now your center as a man and father. If you let your relationship with your kids become compromised for long because of ending the relationship with your current partner, you will slowly begin to feel the ground beneath your feet crumble. You must keep focus on your kids once a father. Accountability, responsibility, and all that. There is no escaping this truth as a father.

Last piece of thought is…if you truly want to be with the other…think with your big head and not your little head…and I failed at this myself….think clearly enough to initiate the divorce process before your wife and children find out about the brewing affair. It complicates everything before, during, and after the divorce, and it seeps into the trust building that you must establish with your future partner.

Again when the next honeymoon phase ends…and it always does for natural and logical reasons…you don’t want your new partner to feel guilty for the choices you made or to wonder if you could do the same to her…or for her to have to explain to her ex or children or parents that what happened in the past doesn’t represent who you are today or will be…because to some extent, the truth is that it does say something about you. Get a lawyer, initiate the divorce ASAP without mention of outside influence. Be prepared for your wife to become sexual all of the sudden for 3-8 weeks. Decide if you are still ready to move forward, keeping confirmation bias in check, and be prepared to accept the permanent consequences.

You cannot divorce your kids. Keep your kids at the center of your world, else the ground beneath your feet as a man and father will crumble.

Dizi357 · 2024-08-25T13:33:48+00:00

You seem unhappy because you’re not living your life, not necessarily because of your wife and kids. So why don’t you travel more, but if your wife doesn’t want to then let her know you still value the marriage but since she doesn’t want to you’ll have to go alone. You can even take the kids on the trip. Same thing with your business that you tried (and let go) - yes, it sucks to do something and not have your partner champion you, but ultimately that’s on them. Start it back up, and if she doesn’t like you being gone you can either offer she helps with and sees you more, or she doesn’t and you’re just living your best life. But the point to make is that that’s something you want to do so you’re going to do it. Put another way, she wants to be a home-town girl - are you actively stopping her from that? Forcing her to move? No. But you’re stopping yourself for her instead, which is causing your unhappiness while she (seemingly) gets everything she wants.

The reason a lot of marriages fail is because one person changes who they were/want to be out of pressure (real or imagined) from the other person. Perhaps if you live your true life, she’ll come around (and perhaps she won’t). But you’ll be happier, and as a result it won’t be a “I’ve found a shiny new girl who’s like me in every way”, but rather “I am happy with me, I love myself, I don’t need a shiny new girl”. Because I can tell you - that shiny new girl that seems awesome, she’s not what she seems. You mentioned having kids too early, and now you “like” someone who has two of her own, so you’d have FOUR kids. You think you can’t travel now? Try supporting 4 kids and traveling - nevermind 6 plain tickets and 2-3 hotel rooms (as the kids age), but that’s 6 mouths to feed, 4 potential kids to take to sports and school club practices and matches, 6 wardrobes to buy, etc. And since your current wife is a homebody, I’m gonna bet she’s not working hard either so you’ll likely be giving her alimony or child support on top of all that. Lastly, what do you do when the shiny new girl changes, doesn’t want the things she does now anymore? You’ll be back at square one changing yourself for her.

Focus on your happiness, and life will happen the way it’s supposed to. Maybe your current wife wakes up and starts making a change, maybe she doesn’t. But you’ll be living your best life, and in a few years after living that best and most authentic life, if you still want a divorce, then you’ll be doing it from a place that is entirely different from your current one (i.e. my life sucks, my wife is lazy, and I want another life).

Bermnerfs · 2024-08-25T12:14:59+00:00

We're only getting your side of the story here. It's hard to say what is right in these situations, but I always think it's best to try and keep a family together unless things are truly awful. The conspiracy theorist stuff is a red flag for sure, it makes me wonder if she's not capable of changing, but also sounds like you may be seeing greener pastures with this new woman that could be clouding your judgement.

If you really are that unhappy and want to leave, then I think it should be for yourself, not because you think you found your "dream girl". How well do you even truly know this new woman? She could be more attractive and seem more fun on the surface but is actually crazy behind the scenes. I really don't think breaking up your family is worth it for another relationship. It's a huge ordeal that will impact everyone, so it should only happen if you truly have no other choice.

west-rain-shadow · 2024-08-25T05:18:52+00:00

Gosh I changed my whole life around for her.. I let my female friends go, all my single friends go because being married it was somehow just harder to do things because I had to ask or she didn’t want me gone often… I got out the military because she didn’t wanna move. Started a business but sold it because she couldn’t be the supportive partner I needed to build my success and complained constantly about me being gone…

Question: what would happen if you stopped doing this, and stayed married?

It sounds to me like you've tried to "be nice" and placate your wife. You've turned your life inside out for your spouse and (I'm guessing) she isn't appreciative and isn't concerned with its effects on you, and your goals, and your dreams for your life. For fucks sake man you are 26. This is when life really starts to get good for men.

What if you just stopped doing that, and started valuing yourself more highly? Quit running your direct deposit into the joint account, where she'll spend all your money. If she wants more than you're willing to let her have then she can work. Stop indulging her whims. Start another business and listen to her complaints and set your own boundaries about when you'll be home and when you won't. She sounds pretty dependent on you, reading between the lines. What is she going to do about it? Complain? She does that already.

Start being in charge of yourself again. Hit the gym. Go to therapy, couples' and individual, and suggest she do the same.

She might even like you better for it. And if she doesn't you'll know what to do.

OkAppointment8587 · 2024-08-25T04:30:41+00:00

Too much to unpack but I was waiting for the I met someone else to show up and it did. Dont know your situation but in most cases once someone finds another person they connect with, all their partner’s problema suddenly become deal breakers and unbearable. Now like I said, don’t know your situation at all, so your reasons might be valid.. obviously the important thing is to never leave your kids. Ever . Secondly divorce is complicated and life altering. Not a decision that can be made lightly. The impact it has on children can be devastating. Everyone always says well if you’re not happy than leave .. anyone who thinks with that simplistic of a brain needs help. In any relationship without kids sure that’s fine. But its Not about you anymore. If you truly are unhappy are there things you could change or your partner could change to help this issue? Have you spoken to her candidly? Is she willing to work on things, etc etc

Wish you well friend

Title	I want to divorce my wife and kids
Author	HystericalSquad
Upvotes	0
Comments	7
Date	August 24, 2024 6:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f0c5u9/i_want_to_divorce_my_wife_and_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-want-to-divorce-my-wife-and-kids.1528284 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528284

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