This is part 3. Part 2 is here

It’s hard to say if I was actually in a better place on the last update. I knew the truth about how my wife truly was, but I was deceiving myself as to how great I was. I spent the next few years in the anger stage. I was doing a sh*tty version of RP improvement.

Sex was a little better but I was still filled with validation seeking. I recently heard a video of myself from that time. I didn’t even have to look, just the sound of my voice from this time is repulsive to me. It was oozing with wanting to be liked. This is what happens if you are seeking validation like I was, it is being broadcast to everyone around you. I was surely digging my own grave.

The first catalyst towards change was covid. My wife was pregnant going into covid so my lack of being attractive and pregnancy led to almost no sex again. My pattern to this point was to improve for a few weeks, get some good sex for a time, slide back into mediocrity, have something make me mad - likely repeated no's to sex, go read an RP post, then recommit to self improvement on repeat.

I did not want the family to get covid and wanted to isolate. My wife was not on the same page. This lasted a little while with the wife pushing boundaries etc. Eventually I was being lied to about what was happening. Around the same time I got accused of emotional abuse. I wonder if those are connected.

In 2021, I got back on the dancing monkey improvement plan, and have been lifting the most consistent since then. Prax started discipling me. I actually started to STFU. I went to a disciplehaus. Met some great guys there who are not ashamed of being men. Met some guys there who get girls' numbers for fun, even though they are married. This blew my mind and felt so wrong to do for myself. I think my nice guy was showing again. I stopped wearing my ring for the majority of the time.

Around this time my wife was taunting me saying I wasn’t attractive enough to get a girl's number. I was pissed and vowed to prove her wrong.

I was also trying to seek God first. I read something about making disciples, so like a dog chasing a squirrel I listened.

I started discipling someone in August 2021. Like the dog who caught the squirrel, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I brought them up in RP truth, showed them the light. He was not ready and almost blew up his marriage. We did have a lot of fun together though. His wife blacklisted me.

My wife and I started going to a new church, one focused on disciple making. Probably still filled with white knights. I also heard the worst sermon here on mutual submission, but it is what it is.

God still felt distant in this season. My life was on a slight trajectory up with a lot of ups and many downs that were very low. There were times of good sex and times of bed sex. I remember one time in particular where I was going to town and my wife yawned under me. This broke something in me.

In 2023 I focused on getting over porn. I went through the Conquer Series and found it really helpful. I was able to process my past as an adult and forgive my parents for not raising me well. I learned to accept the lows of life as just part of life and not something to go to porn and numb the feelings away. I was able to engage negativity and not run from it. Shortly after my last bout with porn, I experienced my lowest point.

I initiated sex, and it was one of the worst experiences. It seemed like my wife was trying to make it bad. I was the angriest I think I had ever been at her. I left the room and I lifted the sh*t out of the weights that night. Like I never had before. At the end I was lying on the floor exhausted. I had never taken my feelings out on the weights like this and it felt amazing.

It was here that something changed. I didn’t care about my relationship anymore. I had a self respect that couldn’t be taken away. I was looking to everything else to find value. I needed to value myself before anyone else could.

The next day I was scheduled to go bungee jumping. It was a blast. Up to this point, there were a few times I wanted to flirt and get a girl's number, but the potential fall out was too high with family around etc. This time, I just didn’t care. There was a hot girl there that I saw without someone else. During sign ups, I stood close to her. I saw a bug on her leg, brushed it off, and it was all gravy from there. It’s amazing what can happen when a man respects himself. I know old me would have been scared to touch her “bEcAuSe ShE’s A hOt GiRl!” I successfully number closed as we were about to leave.

I was elated.

I was so mad at my wife, I wanted to cheat on her. I didn’t care. Her years of devaluing me were playing in my head. I could get back at her. Here was my opportunity. I kept going back and forth between incredible guilt and strong desire.

I spent the rest of the weekend dreaming about an opportunity and talking with the RP guys in my life.

I decided to text her…

And tune in next time for the last installment of our series.

The Men’s Bible study is starting Dec 4th, this Wednesday at 11:30am EST and will run for about 3 months every week (except Christmas and likely off New Years). We will be meeting in the Discord so stop by there and post an introduction.

In the meantime if you really want to make me smile, post an OYS on Reddit or Discord.