So very recently I ended my friendship with a girl for good. It was a long process that basically lasted nearly three weeks. This alone makes me realize I fucked up. I've never had experience with girls much before this. I had a hard bullying school life and was very shut in and I struggle with what I believe may be a personality disorder. I'm 21 years old. That being said I'm trying to slowly make myself better and I have seen some results but Ill also go through frequent depression spells recently including many thoughts of suicide though I'd never actually act on them.

I made friends with this girl my first semester in college. She helped me come out of my shell a bit and because of that I

really prized my friendship with her alongside two other friends. Eventually I ended up catching feelings for her. She found out at the time and refused to talk to me in person when I realized she found out because it would make her "feel weird" even though I told her it would eat me up inside to not talk about it. This was all in text. I lived with it and moved on. I know I basically ended up oneitising I won't even deny that but I made my best effort to not think about it and move myself on to thinking about other girls. Eventually this month started and she was single for four months and I said fuck it I might as well not be a little bitch and ask her. She said yes, told me it might be a little bit because she's busy but literally said "definitely yes" I was fucking ecstatic. A cool girl I thought was super dope maybe I could at least try my hand with.

I texted her every here and there but since we did that anyway I felt like that might have been okay. Three days later she changed her answer to maybe but not for a long time and completely denied she said only yes. This is the largest problem for me. Had she changed her mind to maybe because I fucked up with her vibes after then it would be fully my fault but she made herself seriously believe she never said yes. I know she didn't because I was still smart enough to know that sticking hopes on to a maybe is a horrible thing to do. It's healthier just to move on. But in surprise I just agreed and sort of went into shock that my friend would do that along with a bit of denial. She was known for this type of thing before in arguments maybe to pretend something didn't happen but never like this. I trusted her because I remember her giving another very very very beta friend awhile back a straight answer of no. Not only that she wanted to keep pretending like it never happened in public and would never talk to me in person about it. She also denied me asking to at least hang out one on one and at least be comfortable with each other since we hardly ever did that.

Shortly after that I realized I was being lead on and cut contact with her after an argument about what she did through text. She was either pretending or some how subconsciously making herself believe she said maybe. She said sorry a lot. Even after all she did I still was attached to the friendship and wanted to save it but that fact she couldn't let go to the fact she thought she said maybe killed it for me. She didn't want to take responsibility

After that I had severe episode of depression including an emergency visit to a counselor. I didn't talk to her for a two weeks. I made the point to be indifferent towards her instead of hate her as I find hate in this situation to be petty and tried my best to move on and it helped as I started feeling better again. Till last week where news got to me where she thought I absolutely hated her and never wanted to talk to her again. I didn't really want to talk to her again unless I absolutely needed to because we shared the same friends but something about the fact that I was making a full effort to be indifferent and her believing I hate her REALLY got to me and I made the horrible mistake of getting back into it because I wanted her to know it isn't like that.

Through texting again of course. She started talking about I should have came to her to talk and I made the mistake of arguing back knowing full well I shouldn't have had to do that. But I still made the mistake of arguing back afterwards like an idiot. She told me I was victimizing myself and she was hurt too and other shit and how much she apologized should mean something. She told me she wanted to talk to me the next day, but then delayed it till Thursday of the week I am typing this.

This weekend talking to my way more experienced and helpful RP friend I realized it was back in her control and the entire thing was torturing me making me regress and halting my progress entirely of bettering myself. I wanted to end it once and for all whether it was in person or in text I didn't give a fuck anymore. Texted her today telling her she either sees me today or tomorrow or I'm closing all of this and we move on. She gave me an excuse about how busy she is and then I just said alright, good bye. She then told me I was inconsiderate and basically angrily told me she has less time then me and just a bunch of bitching. I responded with okay, told her why this is pointless at this point already and ended it. She responded with more she doesn't "have the time" shit and ignored me said I wasn't a legitimate friend, I'm an asshole. Unfriend and ignored me and ect.

The real irony is she IMMEDIATELY stopped what she was doing before this and drove over to a beta male friend who is also a friend of mine that she confides about everything to. To talk about this with him at literally the same college I'm at and she wasn't even a block away. All that talk about being too busy to talk turns out she's only not too busy when SHE is hurt.

I know I fucked up guys. I fucked up a lot here. But it's finally finished for me. There's a lot of painful inexperience and immaturity but I've learned a lot from these mistakes. I want to share this with you so I can hopefully learn a bit more I want to know where I was most at a wrong. I want to know what I could have saved. I'm hurt a lot from all this but I want you guys to be brutally honest with me. I also realize I need to get my shit much more together before I try at another woman.