Sounds absurd to even ask. I was 6 years old when my parents divorced. I spent my entire childhood giving zero fucks about their dynamic aside from knowing to hide my affections for the other parent when I wasn't with them. My parents openly hated each other, whereas my ex and I mostly hide our animosity from our kids. And while I do hate her for her affair and destroying our family, I still miss her terribly. I no longer believe it is possible to meet and fall in love with someone new. If it isn't her, it isn't anyone. I simply don't find anyone else attractive enough to warrant risking lowering my walls.

I still have intermittent feelings for my ex. My kids are young enough that I can't exactly explain why she's gone, but I tell them simple truths. When they say they miss her, I tell them I miss her too. I want them to grow up knowing I did not push her away, but that she actively chose not to come home. It has been years now and we still aren't over it. We're getting better, but we're not all the way there.

Last night my daughter let it slip that her mom planned on marrying her affair partner. While I assumed it might happen eventually, hearing her talk about it still broke my heart. I started crying in front of her. The pain in my chest was worse even than the first few weeks because at least then I had hope she'd come back.

My worry is that my kids will grow up to scoff at me for never being able to get over their mother. I worry they will support their mom's decision to leave us for her affair (literally she lost the kids and told the judge she did not care and won't change her mind) and think me weak for not being able to move on. I hide it well sometimes, but now that the animosity is starting to die down between us, there is room for hope to slip back in. Every time she is the least bit nice to me I fall back in love with her.

I know I could never take her back, but the heart wants what it wants. All I can do is learn to tolerate the pain, because I doubt it will ever go away completely.