What to do when you STFU

lololasaurus · 2025-05-18T19:57:16+00:00

You cannot lead with gravitas if you are responding reactively. Leading is not being emotionally reactive.

You cannot consider the situation and calmly decide how you would like to proceed if you are fuming.

Not all problems have to be solved on the spot, and you are simply not an effective leader if you think that you're solving a problem by responding when fuming.

Most of all, you aren't in your own courtroom, where you take a matter, ponder it, decide the best course of action, and then pronounce your judgment, if you are fuming at your wife because she's being difficult (or pushing back against you bring difficult, maybe).

Consider any great leader in books, movies, or legends. Do the great leaders get angry and then dump that on everyone around them? Take Master and Commander. Does Captain Aubrey get angry and dump on his men when things don't go as he wishes? Or can they look to their captain for clear, calm, thinking that always knows the way forward in the mission? Would they follow impulsivity? Or do they follow gravitas? You must develop gravitas.

In time, if you keep doing the work you won't need to actually be silent in all situations. But right now you're still being reactive and emotionally immature. Being silent is absolutely preferable to that; you do massive relational damage when you respond while fuming. You may do some minor damage by waiting to speak, but it's hard to imagine it being anything nearly as bad when you're both still in the habit of fighting with each other over such trivial matters as whether the sky is blue.

Remember, you're not being silent forever. You're practicing self control. You're practicing dealing with your thoughts so that eventually when you do speak she will want to know what you have to say because you thought it through, it's not reactive, and you actually have a pretty good track record. We don't STFU to deny leadership. We STFU so we can learn to provide useful and thoughtful leadership.

I mostly don't need to STFU anymore (I found the red pill in 2017 and went very hard at the work). But sometimes I still encounter a situation where I really have to think it through before I respond and I still get to STFU. Or something really bothers me and I need to make sure I'm not saying something I'll feel dumb about later because it was overly reactive, or I am not sure how I want to direct my wife yet - and I definitely don't want to change course on her once I pick one without very strong cause.

As a result, my wife knows that I'm steady - and she would say this, this isn't a self congratulating evaluation. I'll hear her out gladly, and often incorporate her counsel into my decisions, because she really is a wise woman, and I deeply value her counsel, but once I make the call, she also knows that the choice is made and I'll own the consequences, good or ill. And in her case at least, she also knows that at that point it's time to get on board with it because that's the direction we are going. To her great credit, when it has not worked out as well as I hoped, she has never once thrown it in my face.

So, my exhortation is this.

Be silent not to punish, but only to break the patterns of endless argument and anger and to make time to think. Think through the best way to deal with the argument at hand. Learn to say things like "I will consider this and how I want to proceed". Don't go Rambo with statements like that and be obnoxious with them. But learn to convey that. Ask ChatGPT for five ways to convey what I just wrote, telling it that you want to present the vibe of being a judge in your courtroom, who is definitely the one in charge there, but maybe a kindly one that exhibits gravitas well. Memorize the results it gives you if they are good. Say that and don't be drawn into discussing it immediately if it's making you angry, instead approach it when you can deal with it without being reactive and making dumb impulsive decisions. Your wife and kids don't need a leader more emotionally reactive than they are!

Hope that's helpful.

Master_Count165 · 2025-05-18T16:09:04+00:00

This is a great post and actually something I have been wanting to ask… What do you actually do when you stfu? Are you literally just staying silent? I get that you should be praying, that’s good advice, but what’s the difference between stfu and stonewalling (the latter doesn’t seem to be healthy)? Are you just saying “Okay” then ignoring – which acknowledges what she has said but refusing to engage with it further (which by definition is still just stonewalling). Curious for any tips on stfu-ing!

steadfastkingdom · 2025-05-18T23:25:44+00:00

DARE don’t DEER

Title	What to do when you STFU
Author	BornRedy
Upvotes	13
Comments	15
Date	May 18, 2025 3:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/1kpm4gv/what_to_do_when_you_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/what-to-do-when-you-stfu.1552502 https://theredarchive.com/post/1552502

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