I (18) at the time, was SAed by a (19) woman in a previous relationship. Cut and dry, it was penetration without consent. It was my first time and the girl took advantage of me after I had said for months I wasn’t ready. She didn’t ask consent the night it happened, she just did it while I laid there. I froze, couldn’t believe what was happening, and told myself that it wasn’t possible for a woman to do that to a man. It has been 5 years and since our relationship just ended I have begun to process what happened with more maturity.

I have seeked help from friends and family for support and the responses I’ve gotten have truly reshaped my view on our society and life in general.

I have two friends that are the reason I haven’t completely spiraled. Validating what has happened and just listening. Without them I’m not sure I would be here to write this post.

I told my dad. The hardest thing I’ve ever said out loud in my entire life. The most emasculating thing I have ever said out loud. And the response was a barrage of questions, taking every avenue to justify what she did to me. To find any available excuse for why it must have been my fault, and that it was a bad first time like everyone experiences.

I tried telling my aunt, someone who is very empathetic and understanding. Her response was that she was likely just trying to love me more. And that I must be mistaken because I was able to enjoy it later in life with the same person.

I don’t know what I expected. I thought my family would have my back. I thought they’d give me a hug, tell me everything is okay. Tell me they’ll help me find the right resources. But I was met with the words “‘men can’t be sexually assaulted ”. “Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?”. “It’s time to move on””Be sure not to tell anyone else about this” And I now realize that many people share this sentiment.

Part of this is to get this off my chest. But another part is to bring attention to what I believe is a bigger issue. The lack of men’s mental health support. The ignorance of issues that men deal with. The ongoing stigma that since men are physically stronger than women that it means they can’t be taken advantage of.

I feel alone and isolated. I feel shame and embarrassment for telling people that don’t believe me. The people I thought were my closest relationships. The idea that I must be saying this for attention, that I want to tell people this.

I can only imagine what men feel that don’t have my two friends that are there for me. That don’t have anyone to lean on for support. It’s a cold world. Whatever you are struggling with, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are fighting your battles and that it feels like you are alone. I hope that society continues to progress, and that we can support men better. Not because they are weak, but because they are human.