My wife and I of 20 years divorced back in March. We have been happily married the whole time and we have two boys, 10 and 16. My 16 year old is special needs (multi diagnosed autism, Tourette’s, Bi-polar and ADHD. He became very violent(only with me) back during covid as he hit puberty. He was extremely violent for 3-4 years, breaking windows, stabbed me, threw things at me while driving, threatening to kill me, chasing me out of the house with sharp objects, punched me in the face and eyes many times, bit me, clawed skin off of me and as he got worse our marriage started to fall apart. He’s had the cops called on him several dozen times. He’s been in many facilities, one even for over 500 days. She drifted away and wasn’t there for me when things got incredibly hard. I have no family near me. I dissociated to an extreme level with very high cannabis and psychedelic use which started out as a relief but I continued to use it so heavily that I lost my mind. I suppose I was trying to escape the pain of the violence he inflicted on me. I had nowhere to turn and nothing seemed to help. I am also diagnosed ADHD and Bi-polar. As we grew apart I became so delusional that I made irreversible mistakes and ended up cheating on my wife. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this. Im completely gutted and broken beyond words. Suicidal thoughts cross my mind, constantly, every day, all day. I even attempted a few months ago but couldn’t go through with it. I spent some time in a mental institution and got on new meds but they don’t really help and have a huge bill to pay now. I have been sober since March and I realize the tremendous pain I’ve caused and absolutely stupid mistakes I made. I’m losing the big beautiful house we’ve lived in for 6 years, and it’s not selling for some reason. It’s been on the market for several months and we’ve lowered the price several times. But it’s not moving. I got a new place when I still had some money but I can no longer afford the rent. So I’m paying mortgage and rent and I have been so utterly distraught since the divorce that I lost both of my jobs back in May because I was unable to perform and was too down. I have since fully repented and turned my life back to God and try to hold on to scripture and promises but the pain never leaves. I beg and plead with God for mercy but only get remorse and regret. I’m absolutely disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I try to hold on to hope but can’t find any motivation to do anything. I try to be the best dad I can be but I’m always pulled right back into the darkness and this cage that I’ve entrapped myself in. I have no idea how to move on and keep going. I’m incredibly sorry for everything and can’t seem to find any hope. The only time I’m at peace is when I’m asleep. But then she’s nearly always in my dreams. Insanely vivid and realistic lucid dreams only to wake back up into this nightmare. I’ve imprisoned myself in this hell. It’s all still completely a shock to me. She’s moved on and has a new boyfriend. I love my boys so much and I couldn’t imagine the pain it would cause to their lives if I took mine. I truly don’t know how to keep going. I don’t have many close friends in the area and they don’t even know what to say or how to help and I’m almost always alone. I have a therapist but even that doesn’t seem to really help. I can’t believe or even understand how I ever did something like this to my beautiful blessed family. I don’t know how I can keep going. The pain is unbearable.

Please pray for me.