Three years ago, my ex and I divorced. We have a daughter who’s almost five now. From the start, I couldn’t imagine life without her, so I made the decision to stay close. I rented an apartment just three minutes away so she could call me anytime and I could always be near.

At first, that worked but dealing with her mom has always been difficult. Our relationship is very toxic and stressful. She often calls asking me to take our daughter sometimes for days because she wants to travel or do her own thing. I can’t say no, because I love having my daughter with me. But it feels like her mom just sees her as an obstacle, and that hurts because I see how much it affects my little girl.

As my daughter grows, things are only getting harder. She doesn’t have a stable routine at home. The environment is unpredictable, her diet isn’t good, her mom is often angry, and she doesn’t really get to enjoy being a kid. Most of her happiness comes when I take her out and try to fill the gaps. I’ve asked for full custody before, but her mom refused. I know I could go to court and probably win, but I’m torn because even with all the struggles and everything that is happening my daughter still loves her mom, and I don’t want to traumatize her by breaking that bond.

Recently, things hit me harder. Last week, her mom told me she’d be gone on holiday for 18 days. Later, my daughter mentioned she’s been talking to another man and will probably spend the vacation with him. I don’t want my ex back the divorce was the right choice but hearing that still left me hollow. It feels like she moved on with her life while I’m stuck, struggling. And what angers me most is that she doesn’t put our daughter first the way I do

Right now and as I m writing this message, I feel lost. Sad, Empty and the stress and the overthinking is killing me, I haven’t eaten in two days all I do when my daughter is not around is sitting in my room smoking loads of weeds and that also don’t help. I’m not financially that stable but working on it, and my place isn’t the best home for my daughter despite the efforts I do. On top of that, I have nobody to talk to no close friends, relatives. The loneliness is heavy, and my mind won’t stop spinning with all the “what ifs.” It’s exhausting. Yesterday and in the middle of the night was the first time in my life that the idea of ending my life looked appealing I know that’s wrong to say because that would break my daughter but I’m tired and I don’t really know what to do.