A long one… apologies for the lengthy post

My wife and I have been married 7 years, together for nearly 10, have an 8 year old son and I’m convinced she hates me

When we first started dating, we were almost inseparable. It felt amazing. We had the same hopes and wishes and things went quickly.

She has had a rough past. Abusive partners, bi polar and anxiety issues. Doesn’t work due to mental illness. Barely drives. Massively disjointed and toxic family. Doesn’t really have a network of friends. The works

I was insecure, still sort of am. I was used to partners cheating, feeling inadequate, I can be jealous and controlling. Not a lot of relationship experience either and I tend to assume I know what’s best

I went on holidays overseas after a few months of being together, came back and our relationship snowballed. She needed to move out of home, in some sick way I thought I’d lose her I think so we moved in together.

I picked the area, so I could be close to what I wanted and the area I wanted people to know I lived in. This left her isolated, alone, and started her down a spiral. Her reliance on me skyrocketed.

We fell pregnant, I had no idea what I was in for. She miscarried, and I didn’t know what to do or say, I almost felt unaffected because it all happened so quickly

Next thing, we’re pregnant and she’s keeping it. Without too much thought about it all I decided to stay with her because that’s what you’re supposed to do right. At the time I thought I loved her, on reflection I don’t really know

Gone was the relationship we had hoped for. The travelling never happened because I was riding bikes and training for races. I guess I told her things she wanted to hear to make her happy. I’m a bit of a people pleaser like that. I would say what she wanted to hear, rather than what I actually wanted. Alongside this, I didn’t want the shame of it all. I needed people to believe I had a fairytale relationship

Traumatic pregnancy. She was always sick. She thinks she knows best versus me thinking I know best. Lot of fighting, plus we move house. She’s still isolated and ever reliant on me.

Childbirth was traumatic. But he’s born. She won’t listen to people nor speak up so the nurses basically ignore us. Now he won’t feed and we get pushed into bottles. I jump on this cause I felt useless and “I can fix it”. She loses the chance to breastfeed. More anguish

Early stages are hard. I’m not sure what to do. I never planned this and yet here I am. She tries to be the postcard mum, fails. She tries a mother’s group but doesn’t socialise well and then gets excluded. More reliance on me

I’ve now more and more withdrawn from my friends by this point. They’re at different stages of life, plus she makes me feel like a prick if I even think about going. I don’t want them to think bad about me or her so I withdraw even more.

I decide the noble thing to do so she doesn’t have to take the pill anymore is to get a vasectomy. I don’t really think it through, I just convince her I’m doing it for her

Complications from her childbirth remain. She has a prolapse, ends up with a hysterectomy. Loses the chance for more kids. She spirals further

The right thing to do now is to marry her. She’s had my kid so I propose. I did it half assed and not really special. Almost like an afterthought. We post the photos and pretend to be happy. I don’t think either of us really is

Now we’re raising a baby. Barely. And planning a wedding. She does basically all of it. Won’t accept anyone’s help, tries to do it on the cheap. We invite family and some friends. It’s the flashy showy wedding, but a bit of a mess. Her hens night was a fail. She was so sick but I pushed her to go when she didn’t want to because it’s what you’re supposed to do. She had a horrible night and doesn’t enjoy it. I have my bux and it’s a good night. I enjoy feeling like my old self when I’m with the boys

We go on our honeymoon. Was actually okay.

Fast forward to now. We’ve moved away, I agreed because she was so so depressed. We feel distant. She complains that I don’t listen to what she really wants. I’m not present. I’m not a good dad or husband. Sex is terrible because I don’t last long so rush it and she doesn’t get to enjoy it.

From my side. I feel like I do everything. She’s so reliant on me. She barely cleans, she washes clothes and then basically reads all day while I work. She cooks dinner, I clean up. I don’t feel like she makes an effort with me, but she feels I never have so doesn’t invest the time anymore. I feel like I’m busy doing everything so she could invest in the relationship to keep me doing all the service things I do for her. I feel like I don’t get to have the downtime she does, and when I do i get berated for it

As a family we don’t do a lot. She doesn’t take him anywhere cause she doesn’t drive. When I get my weekends I’m then run ragged between doing housework or driving the family around to do stuff otherwise my poor son would never get to do anything

We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore. I snore, she refuses to wear ear plugs and has insomnia. I gave up resisting and now I prefer to sleep seperate

Despite all this. I think I love her. She challenges me to want to be better. Calls me on my bs and makes me feel loved like nothing I’ve ever felt. Well least she used to

TLDR - I have zero clue how to summarise that.

Have I broken this beyond repair? Is it all me?

I don’t know what to do anymore