A few days ago, I deleted all my dating apps and made it so my profiles are no longer visible. However, during the time I was using them, I did a lot of weeding-out. I weeded out men who seemed to be asking me to prove myself, men who never asked me out, men who asked me to Netflix and chill with them, men who would answer my questions about their interests but didn’t follow up with any questions about mine, men who seemed to expect me to carry the conversation, men who never took initiative despite talking about wanting to meet up, men who negged me, men who objectified me, men who revealed their sense of entitlement to my body, and of course men who were antagonistic and seemingly mentally unstable.

I recently read a post earlier here about a woman who felt unattractive and worthless because men didn’t pursue or prioritize her, and what with all the men I weeded out because they seemed to expect me to chase them and acted like I was nothing special, that’s a predicament I can relate to.

The strange thing is that while I’ve decided this isn’t the kind of treatment I’ll tolerate in a relationship and while I’ve resolved to seek something more satisfying and humane, part of me is afraid of meeting someone who’s behavior contrasts with all the LV behaviors I previously described. Part of me is afraid of experiencing the relationship dynamic I’ve set my sights on (where my partner takes care of me and looks out for me), and I think it’s because I just can’t fathom that someone would treat me in such a way and not have strings attached - not turn on me for not “paying them back” even while never making it clear they were only doing X or Y to get me to have sex with them or something.

I can’t receive from someone I’m dating (not that it’s ever happened before, but when I envision it happening) without constantly worrying if I’m doing enough to deserve what I’m being given. I’m in such a double bind because I want to be with a HVM and so far I’ve been faithful to myself in my commitment to weed out the LVM, but I also feel guilty about the prospect of being treated the way I’d like to be treated.

When I talk to friends and peers it always becomes apparent that they have a quid pro quo mentality when it comes to divvying up the labor and expenses in relationships, and speak of the less financially successful one in a relationship as needing to compensate in some other way for things to be fair. Nevertheless, this attitude makes me feel repulsed and turned off in a way I’m not completely able to articulate. The last thing I need in my life is some supposedly interested suitor pursuing me only to tell me I need to do X, Y, and Z to make up for my shortcomings because I’m not good enough for him as I am.

I definitely notice a difference in attitude and culture when talking to people from FDS about relationships vs. talking to everyone else.