I’m probably in a similar boat to a lot of you on here but I’ve had a very weird journey. Usually people can say they grew up struggling or they had and easy upbringing. I’m not trying to victimize myself but I seem to have a mix of both which I think has really affected my growth and I don’t know WTF to do honestly.

So I’ll start it off with being honest, my families got money so financially I am secure and could probably sit on my ass for a long time. Usually money is what motivates people to go out there and pursue careers, but fortunately and unfortunately for me I never had that problem so I never really had that drive.

Essentially I grew up in a somewhat normal family although both my parents were big druggies. My dad passed away when I was 9 from cancer and for some reason I can’t remember anything he ever taught me or said to me. Partly cause of trauma and cause I was and still am addicted to video games so all my brain cares to remember was that shit. Also I was prettt Aspergery in a lot of ways mostly due to bullying I think but regardless it’s how it was.. after he passed my mom was a druggie so we moved in with a foster family who were best friends with my family and they took me in and were great. They weren’t perfect either but it was 1000000 times better than being separated from my siblings.

My point is I’ve never had male guidance fucking ever and if I did I don’t fucking remember. My foster dad is a sweet guy but he’s like Einstein he’s a fucking genius but super spergy and let’s the mom run the house so he’s pretty “beta”. he never taught me anything but he had a shit upbringing too so I don’t blame him...

But fucking regardless I’ve done a lot of personal growth but I just feel I’ll never be like everyone else. I go to the gym and I do have a dream which is to be an esports pro... call it stupid maybe it is but gaming is literally all I’ve known and I’ve spent 5 years on this game it’s the closest thing to chasing my passion that I know. But even with that there’s a part of that’s like fuck u don’t even enjoy this bro u just pursue this because it’s the only thing you’ve ever been good at. Which is rocket league by the way super cool gamer moment right???😎 top 0.1 of all car soccar players aren’t I accomplished and cool now??? I think I just play cause it’s the only accomplishment I have I feel.

But to kinda get to the point I’ve had no male figure or guidance and my foster mom was too loving (I’ve learned it’s not her role to teach me to be a man) she legit would tell me when I was worried about an career... OH honey it’s ok we’re gonna own a business one day we’ll open a restraunt or whatever BLAH BLAH BLAH. So from 5th grade to graduation I just played video games all day and fapped and had no motivation and legit just floated through life with no worries expecting every thing i never learned any skills I never worked on my problems cause IM OK AS I AM or I was just super insecure and hid them I was bullied by almost everyone I’m Awkward as fuck. I legit just gamed and gamed and hungout with friends I guess most guys do this but idk

I just believed everything would “JUST TO WORKOUT”

Then I went to community college to make myself feel like I was actually doing something met a lot of cool people but hated fucking school still

Still gamed all the fucking time and I was planning to continue school but COVID came and made me realize how much I don’t give a fuck about school or anything.

Now these past 5 months I’ve gamed all day everyday “pursuing my passion” of being pro. It’s better than nothing I guess.

I just feel empty and lost I WANT SOMETHING. I yearn to be part of a fucking team and build something but I also don’t want to be a 9-5 zombie and looking at everyone work it legit scares me because compared to my comfortable reality of gaming 10 hours a day work looks like HELLL. And especially like I said if ik financially secure what motivation do I fucking have??? Having money is a blessing and a curse. Yes I don’t have to worry about most material shit which is no easy thing. But also it’s like having all the gear before u even start the game??! Why would I work a shitty job rn? Why would I pursue a career when I already have the reward from it. I understand this mindset sucks but being aware of that doesn’t change shit. Legit my whole life that’s the mentality that was fed to me and u can’t just change it so easily.

I’m all over the place but pretty much idk what the fuck to do. I have learned so much about women but now I just mentally masturbate about it all day and nothing works out on the dating apps anymore it getting uglier lol but also it seems like as time passes I’m getting less results...

Plus I’m a gamer I don’t fucking go out and lately I have no drive to see friends I blame covid for that I think it’s made us all isolated.

And yes I know it’s not all about women. But man I want to be able to just fucking date a girl again man. I’ve been single for like 4 fucking years. TRP and SR taught me so much but also it’s partly what’s held me back cause I’m SO HARD ON MYSELF that I just don’t fucking actually go out and take action. “I’m not ready yet” I never feel fucking ready.

I JUST DONT WANNA BE FUCKING STAGNANT. I wanna go to a party with a friend and feel on the same level as others there and I want to fucking feel worthy enough to talk to a girl like WTF this weak behavior is so ingrained and I’m fukin insecure.

TLDR

I WANT TO GO AFTER WOMEN AND ENJOY LIFE BUT AT THE SAME TIME WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I LIVD IN MY MOMS BASEMENT AND HAD EVERYTHING HANDED TO ME I DONT THINK IM WORTHY AND I DONT THINK ILL BE OR FEEL WORTHY ENOUGH TO GO AFTER WOMEN UNTIL IM LIVING SOMEWHERE ELSE AND IM PAYING FOR IT WITH MY OWN MONEY NOT JUST FLEXING MY APARTMENT WHEN I DIDNT DO SHIT TO EARN IT.