He went offline for a boat trip on a pivotal day for me. Am I overreacting?

frozen_strawberry · 2016-02-29T17:08:58+00:00

what the hell kind of man gets upset because you dont text back immediately when you're busy with your sister who is visiting from out of country?

TempestTcup · 2016-02-29T15:17:25+00:00

It's still, at one year, a very short relationship, and LDRs are extremely difficult to manage. Instead of being in the honeymoon period, you two are already sniping at each other.

Next.

closetrpw · 2016-02-29T15:22:36+00:00

When does long distance end for you? It sounds like the bulk of your job stuff is done so maybe you can go visit him more?

I think both of you are frustrated at your technical difficulties and taking it out on each other.

My advice is to try and be happy and pleasant every time he calls. No more talking about this specific instance unless he wants to. Just be happy that he's calling next time. If it happens again, don't try to escalate the situation and rather just try and calm him down. I know it sucks but sometimes you have to show you're willing to make him feel better first before you address your own upset feelings.

With that said, I think you need to take a look at whether or not he's a good Captain. Does it often happen that he is cursing at you when you're fighting? Does he hang up on you a lot? Is he the type of person who you will bring a problem to, only for him to be offended that you had a problem and you're stuck now in a situation where you're the apologetic one? On the flipside, were you contributing to this escalation? Did you curse at him? Were you condescending in your tone? If this is a one time thing, I think you guys can probably write this off as a tough week, but if this sort of thing happens quite often, you might want to do some serious reflection on whether or not you can handle this for the rest of your life and on whether or not you also need to control your anger.

I wouldn't bring up the past conversation again unless he does. But if you guys happen to get in an argument again and he starts using bad language, I would try to end the argument and just say something like "I don't want to continue this conversation until we are both calm. I do not tolerate cursing or name calling." Fighting fair is I think the single most important thing you can do communication-wise in a relationship because if you don't feel comfortable bringing a legitimate problem to him, then you will never be able to move forward.

The hanging up thing, while definitely disrespectful, might have been a way for him to leave the conversation before it got worse. If this happens all of the time though it might be a sign that he is running away from problems.

EDIT:

An hour ago I called him, and we agreed to just communicate more, but it was clear the conversation was awkward, he said he wants to address the elephant in the room and asked me to speak up. I started saying that I'm upset he told me to go fuck myself and that he brought up my exes ("don't talk to me like you used to talk to your exes"), he interrupted me and started yelling about how he is the one who is upset, then hung up in my face.

Rereading this, it was clear he was hoping you'd apologize (I've certainly been in that scenario where he says "is there anything you want to say?" and that kind of annoys me more), and when you didn't, he got angry. I'm not saying that he's right or wrong for acting that way, but going forward after a fight, before talking about why you're upset, apologize for your contribution to the argument first, pause and give him a chance to do the same thing, and if he doesn't, tell him what you're feeling and why ("it hurt my feelings when you...") so that the air is truly cleared.

little_red_ · 2016-02-29T15:36:14+00:00

I wasn't communicating often as usual and I replied back to a text message from him two hours late...upsetting him...

he got passive aggressive

he interrupted me and started yelling about how he is the one who is upset, then hung up in my face.

I know he's hurt too.

This man sounds like he is very much emotionally driven. You also seem to be driven by emotions and when the two of you are at odds you throw logic and reasoning aside and it's a clash of the feelings.

On Friday morning, he left on a boat trip and told me there would be no network coverage at all for the weekend... but I decided to STFU about it because I want peace and I didn't wanna ruin the memory of the trip for him.

I told him that it's not just me, that we both need to make effort, and that he abandoned me on Friday

So you originally realized that he was taking a vacation and although you had issues in your own life that it's not up to him to put his life on hold to constantly comfort you. You then recant your stance on that and blame him for "abandoning" you. He is not responsible to be at your beck and call, you are a grown woman and although it might be NICE to have him around during crucial moments like that, you cannot blame him for having a life of his own.

You also discredit his opinion of your actions saying "(I don't think I was distant except the first day, all the other days I was with him, flirting all day, sharing my cooking pictures, sending voice notes, more so than usual!)". He is not basing his opinion off how you feel about it, but how he views the situation. Obviously something is amiss if he feels this way, and he feels strongly enough about it to bring it up on more than one occasion. You need to figure out what is triggering this and address it.

You say this is temporarily long distance, have you just become LDR recently or has it always been long distance but you two should be living together/close very soon?

I personally just think for a relationship where you two talk so infrequently there is a lot of turmoil and drama between the two of you. I would strongly consider evaluating if this is a man you think is worth putting this much effort in to for such little return.

TempestTcup · 2016-02-29T15:08:28+00:00

next.

aanarchist · 2016-02-29T20:44:30+00:00

just apologize to him. it sounds like you were the one being passive aggressive because you resented the fact that he wasn't there to comfort you on a bad day. your resentment put out wierd vibes and it's kinda hard to be happy dandy like nothing's wrong when you put out that kind of energy. him responding to your negativity made you even more negative and resentful, and you eventually started starting shit with him.

you're hurt he's hurt, you're the one holding the knife. your mistake is your relationship had a moment where it didn't look and feel the way you wanted it to look and feel, and now you don't know what to do about it.

littleteafox · 2016-02-29T17:07:44+00:00

I'm in a (temporarily long-distance) serious relationship (just over 1 year, and we're both 30) with an incredible man, we see each other twice a month,

Has it been a LDR for a year, or you've been together for a year and have been long-distance for a few months?

I wasn't communicating often as usual and I replied back to a text message from him two hours late, I admitted I was distracted and apologised. I felt bad for upsetting him and the rest of the week I was attached to my phone, constantly updating him and flirting etc to make up.

He was upset at you texting him 2 hours "late"? This is a red flag to me.

He kept insisting that there's something missing

For texting 2 hours late one time, and you being busier than normal for a few days? He's coming across as very needy and insecure.

I was feeling sad that he went offline on that day, I felt abandoned

I get this, you had a very important day at work. I hope it went well. But in retrospect, perhaps he did the smart thing by giving you both space rather than trying to force himself to be supportive/happy when he wasn't really feeling it, it could have just made things worse.

and he said "go fuck yourself,

another red flag, for me at least. Name calling this early on, over such a small thing. Can he be a stable captain, your rock when the seas are rough?

How much longer is this going to be long-distance?

Title	He went offline for a boat trip on a pivotal day for me. Am I overreacting?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	22
Date	February 29, 2016 2:58 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/48akat/he_went_offline_for_a_boat_trip_on_a_pivotal_day/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/he-went-offline-for-a-boat-trip-on-a-pivotal-day.166725 https://theredarchive.com/post/166725

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