Is it possible for me to regain respect from my husband?

rproller · 2016-09-11T05:28:30+00:00

The first step towards beginning to respect your husband again is to stop blaming him. You chose to relocate ahead of schedule to be with him; you chose to marry him; you chose to separate (pending divorce I assume?). I'm sure he hasn't solved 100% of your problems, but what have you done to help solve his? Cooking, cleaning, walking the dogs, etc. should fall on you because he has more than a full-time job in the military. Would it be fair for him to still do all that stuff after a 12-hour shift?

The second step to regaining respect is to just trust him. You sound like a bit of a control freak (speaking from experience; your background mirrors mine). Give a man responsibility and he will do his darnedest to rise to the occasion. If you never give him the opportunity to prove that to you, how can he show you that you can trust him?

TheRedStoic · 2016-09-11T14:10:52+00:00

So what I've taken from this is:

On your side

he's not providing for you
he didn't know core basic skills necessary for adult life
he is rather solipsistic in adopting more than the minimum lifestyle (not factoring your wants into it) notice I said wants. You're not starving, homeless, or physically under threat.
he hasn't stepped up to the plate and needs to be pushed.
you're wearing the pants, which is not your prerogative, so you're unhappy. (Rightfully so)

On his side - you choose to join him earlier than expected, then blame him.

you choose to remind him constantly of his failings, then when he attempts to fix them say he's incapable.
you blame him for your circumstance instead of taking responsibility.
you may simply want more than he does materially, which is likely a core compatibility issue that requires in depth compromise.
you're wearing the pants which isn't his prerogative, so he's unhappy, unmotivated, (rightfully so)

Objectively (imo)

you both aren't willing to compromise your expected lifestyles to mesh. I don't think this is a bad thing, I fully believe compromise in a situation is great, but compromising yourself in a situation is not.
he has a lack of certain skills you find necessary for a fulfilling life. Obviously he was fulfilled without them due to his perspective (likely from duty and experience) on how bad things can be. (He's a bare minimalist)
you have a lack of certain skills he finds necessary to take the lead. A lack of trust, and unwillingness to give him the space and opportunity to improve by his own methods (this is very important, showing a man with your actions that you find him incapable of being a rock is the most insulting and emasculating thing you can do many times, especially if he was in the armed forces fighting for your wants indirectly. Talk about a slap in the face)

Advice

Don't push to move back in together. Right now you're simply not compatible. Be separated and go to him asking for leadership in small things to build trust. Trust that he's got your back, and trust that you won't doubt him or tear him down for anything less than absolute success. This could be amazing and exactly what you need, a few small successes may launch into an exponential reconnection. Enjoy that if it happens but don't slip up on letting him lead, and don't settle for him slipping up on taking the lead. (Instead of bashing or nagging ask him for orders or direction)

Start small. Escalate. At this point the damage (both directions) may be too high, I don't know. You'll probably know because if you go to him asking for leadership with small tasks he'd simply ignore or shut you down, sadly if that's the case, that ship has sailed. Learn for the future.

The last thing he needs right now is to be pushed into anything. You must make palm up, open offers and stick to the promise not to get involved unless someone's physically getting hurt. Trust him, so he can trust you.

Good luck OP, you've got this if you can really follow through. But protect yourself as well, I have a nagging feeling that you two simply aren't compatible. Love? Yeah probably. But a harsh reality is that love is not enough compatibility must be there too.

[deleted] · 2016-09-11T01:04:41+00:00

would it in theory be possible to change the dynamics of our relationship and regain respect for my husband

YES it is possible! The easiest way to cultivate this is have him take over some jobs in the relationship and watch him work. Let him learn, be forgiving when he messes up, and watch how he will surprise you. I "let" my husband manage our finances and he shocked the hell out of me with how capable he was. He said that he felt the weight of the responsibility of caring for our finances. That's a pretty big deal!

The other thing is to look to his better side. Choose to only see and dwell on his good habits and behaviors. This practice will go a long way to you appreciating him and then respecting him.

linsann0310 · 2016-09-11T03:43:06+00:00

Take heart just as we must choose to love our SO even in times when it's not easy you can choose to rebuild the trust and respect that were lost! My husband is 3.5 years younger then me he had a bad childhood his parents both tended to kick him out on whims and thus he learned nothing of how to be responsible. I bought our first house I also paid the debt he didn't tell me about. I worked 3 jobs in the early days of our marriage. And he would spend money on whatever he wanted with know thought to paying bills! However that was 7.5 years ago. It was a rocky road but once I realized he just needed someone anyone to stop barking orders at him and start believing in him encouraging him and asking him all the right questions to help himself ask what he wanted in life both at home and at work. He is now the one who works he pays for our house our truck and our food he takes wonderful care of me and our children and I'm able to stay home and raise our babies. Now he still leave lots of stuff for me to do. Like I care for the kids train the dogs we have 5 sled dogs and care for the homestead if you will. I also do 100% of finances but we talk about everything I do with the money first. it's just I have time and am better at budgeting. I'm still working on the trust and respect sometimes but it's getting stronger and I do totally respect that he stepped up and works so hard for us!! the point is things were broken for a while but they were fixable. It just takes work and desire!!

[deleted] · 2016-09-11T12:51:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Is it possible for me to regain respect from my husband?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	2
Comments	12
Date	September 10, 2016 9:34 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/525as6/is_it_possible_for_me_to_regain_respect_from_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-possible-for-me-to-regain-respect-from-my.166924 https://theredarchive.com/post/166924

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