After years of self improvement I still don't feel a whole lot more confident in myself. Why?

leftajar · 2014-06-25T22:25:26+00:00

And yet women still scare me. I know they shouldn't, but they do.

Welcome to the club, man. That fear never goes away, unless you're a sociopath. It just diminishes.

Here's the great secret. Most people have it backwards: they try to wait until the fear goes away, and then they do the thing.

That's the opposite order. Here's the truth: you do the thing, THEN the fear diminishes. Action leads emotion, not the reverse. That's part of what makes us men, the ability to act in spite of emotion.

Sounds like you've built an awesome base. Just keep going. Don't worry about chicks yet if you don't want to, but whether you engage with women or not, be conscious about what you're doing and why.

cashmoney_x · 2014-06-25T21:38:17+00:00

You need good experiences with other people to rewire your neurology- as it stands you, like me, learned that other people often=bad experiences. Don't beat yourself up for this man, we're all victims of our programming. Were you bullied in your youth?

Beer_Me_A_Beer · 2014-06-25T22:01:50+00:00

I'm not you, and I don't know you. So, giving you confidence tips that are guaranteed to hit homes is gonna be pretty hard, but allow me to throw in a personal problem I ran into.

One thing that was holding me back from confidence (and wager it holds a lot of people back) is that once you take on the road to self-improvement, you become a negative person in your first impressions. I know that once I started working out and really focusing on improving myself, the way I dress, my work habits, etc. that I was focusing on the things that I felt were wrong that needed to be fixed and began deriving confidence/self-esteem from the wrong places.

I began comparing myself to other people. I wasn't happy for the progress I had made so much as I was happy that other people were still bad at what I was bad at before. If there was a guy who dressed like the slob that I used to be, I would feel better about myself. If there were people in the gym that would come in and do a shorter/easier workout than me, I'd feel better.

So, for me, it was the idea that my improvement came from being critical of myself. And while I was being critical of myself, I found it very easy to be critical of other people as well. And while I never actually would act on it, I still had anxiety while being critical of others because then maybe they were being critical of me.

My tips for confidence? From the first SECOND you meet somebody, try to find the reason why that person is awesome. Maybe the guy you are talking to has cool shirt from your favorite band. Maybe the girl you are talking to has some really unique shoes on. Maybe the guy has a cool record collection. Maybe the girl does volunteer work. Find that reason as QUICKLY as possible to label that person as awesome in your head.

But don't be like "OMG THEY ARE SOOOO GOOD I MUST BE THEIR FRIEND" just be like "yeah, he's the guy who has those loafers I have been looking for" or "she's the cool one who helps kids on the weekend." You slowly lose intimidation for people because you realize that you can very quickly find people awesome. And, if you aren't a guarded, snobby, neckbeard, people will be able to find you awesome quickly too. They won't always find you cool. And, sometimes, people will be a dick to you and you might go on to find them undesireable, but that doesn't mean that you aren't awesome, and that doesn't take away the cool research that girl did on river pollutants last year.

tl;dr - Everybody is at least somewhat awesome in some way. Find it and appreciate it.

2014-06-25T22:08:57+00:00

Why do I still not feel this super hero power that everyone refers to as confidence?

Because it's not a super-power. It's just you.

Remember that you are inside your own mind, you hear your own thoughts, and you experience your own doubts. You are aware of all of your shortcomings.

But when you look at other people around you, you don't hear their thoughts. You see them as they present themselves. You listen to what they choose to tell you about themselves. You see them after they have showered, dressed, done their hair, etc. You don't see them alone and lying awake at 3 AM wondering if there really is a point to it all.

You over-estimate the amount of confidence other people actually have and under-value your own achievements. You need to realize that you have done good stuff and are a perfectly good guy as-is. (But never get complacent.)

AlphaXpipubs · 2014-06-25T21:41:16+00:00

"And yet women still scare me." Confidence is a feedback loop -> Conscious change -> Action -> acceptance -> positive reinforcement -> subconscious change -> more confidence -> Conscious change -> etc.

It is about both mental and physical changes. It's great you changed your body, but now you need some social interactions to understand and subconsciously change that scared mentality. Go study cocky & funny and how to challenge women, then start implementing small pieces of it. As you see women respond positively, it will become automatic.

Also, stop telling yourself you're "the same guy who doesn't do well with women and doesn't get laid" - you are reinforcing to your subconscious that really is you. Be your own cheerleader and start talking to yourself in a positive manner.

DevilishRogue · 2014-06-25T21:39:41+00:00

And yet women still scare me. I know they shouldn't, but they do.... I still feel anxiety. It's hard for me to approach new people and groups of people

Things get easier with practice and overcoming the fear of rejection is one of them. Are you familiar with the Michael Jordan quote:

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

Push yourself. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone and keep doing it an pretty soon you'll realise that your comfort zone has expanded into areas that right now seem unimaginable to you. But you need to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Get out and do it.

isthatyourdaughter · 2014-06-26T01:36:05+00:00

It oughta be codified:

Every red pill man should get his T levels checked.

RedPillDad · 2014-06-26T01:09:08+00:00

It takes a while, but you have to persevere. Once you start getting success (I assume your goal is to get laid/have women chasing after you), you become tons more confident in yourself.

As of right now, everything feels like a farce to you. You're doing all the right self-improvement things. You've been doing this for a while. But one thing still lacks, and it's your sex life. You can feel that your whole persona will crumble at any instant because of this.

You have to really internalize your end-goal in the self-improvement philosophy. If, as I presume, it's to get laid, then only once you've gotten laid will you get the feeling of self-fulfillment.

Let me offer an analogy that I think you'll appreciate. Improving yourself is like constructing a house. Start with just the frame, then the wiring/plumbing, then the walls, then the paint, then the furniture/appliances, and so on. The more you improve yourself, the more lavish your house. However, you're doing this to make it easy to find shelter once you have a foundation to place it on. The foundation and crux of your life is enjoy the satisfaction of having a fruitful sex life and plentiful female attention. That's really what all men want out of life -- an ample supply of poon.

This isn't at all to place women on a pedestal. If anything, quite the opposite. Because in the end, you still have a nice fucking house to plop onto any sort of foundation. Continue to build your house, and begin a quest to find a foundation to put it on. It'll be nice to let it rest for a bit, and you should enjoy that for as long as you can, but you'll likely want a change of scenery after a while.

thredditsowaway · 2014-06-26T21:01:05+00:00

Everyone who goes from bad to better with girls experiences this. You've trained yourself over years to believe that you're bad with women. The version of you that got rejected all those times is basically dead now, but you still believe you're him. You have to train yourself to think differently. Oddly enough, even just sitting there trying to convince yourself of this with your imagination will work, to some extent, but of course you'll need to earn positive experiences by getting out there.

I can't directly link to reddit due to TRP rules but search this sub for a post called "Changing your beliefs about yourself is the key to changing your mindset and improving your inner game". He says it better than me.

2014-06-26T01:33:51+00:00

Once I asked the same sort of question, and I was told to watch this video

Think about what's being said. You can do anything you want, you just gotta be the animal you are.

2014-06-26T01:37:07+00:00

You are your worst critic.

Accept who and where you are in life. Then strive to be better.

NOT_MEEHAN · 2014-06-26T01:45:34+00:00

Sounds like you just have approach anxiety. You don't fear women you fear a bad interaction.

Jon Sinn wrote a great piece about this one time. He said your first 2,000 approaches are just practice. He said to keep a journal and actually keep track of how many attempts at pick up you do. His students upped there levels from 0-5 a week to 20+. At that rate it takes 2 years to phase out of practice mode. His students were getting immediate results. Not because they were a while lot better at game but, because of sheer volume of interaction with women.

Even with a 1% close ratio (it will be more) after one year and 1,000 approaches, you'll get 10 different lays. After that your confidence will be unstoppable because you'll have several women to choose from for sex and you'll be getting results.

In your journal write down what worked and what didn't. Always approach no matter what. Imagine all the women you never did for a dumb reason?

Just put yourself out there out of your comfort zone. Meeting new and beautiful women should be fun and exciting to do. It should never be scary or seen as a chore.

I'd recommend trying to log 2,000. By the time you hit even 500 you'll be comfortable enough to never journal again for life.

Dr_Acu1a · 2014-06-26T01:50:16+00:00

Because you're a human being? Getting humbled every now and again might shake you and if good things aren't happening to counteract that, we all might lose a bit of confidence in are selves. Keep working and opportunity will arise. Seeing that payoff after taking advantage of an opportunity is one hell of a booster!

sweatynut · 2014-06-26T03:30:10+00:00

You know what your problem is? Your putting the pussy on a pedastool.

redpilltree · 2014-06-26T03:33:48+00:00

Are you fighting your anxiety when you go out/socialise?

Try something new. Don't fight it.

Be aware of your anxiety and work through it, don't beat yourself up for feeling it, just accept that it's there. Doing this process enough (consistency is key) will seriously reduce it down to negligible levels while your confidence will raise significantly.

Also lower your standards and start fucking ugly chicks (chicks that are off your radar), your sexual anxiety will lessen significantly and you can move up to bagging bigger fish.

winnnnnnnnn · 2014-06-26T04:35:56+00:00

Sounds like your killing out there bro in all the areas where its actually important. Next step feed off the positive emotions and pride that comes from that and take the same approach to social skills/women. I've recently only started working out my confidence/self-sustained positive feedback loop is through the roof. Granted I have the body type for it but still. I did it in reverse which I think most noobs here are guilty of. Trying to do the women thing first. Nothing wrong with that per say but it seems like you've got the perfect base to start slaying. Enjoy!

frequentlywrong · 2014-06-26T04:47:39+00:00

Do martial arts scare you? Are you uncomfortable with the thought of getting hit by someone? Then you NEED to take them up. Nothing will teach you a red pill mindset better than martial arts.

It will cure you of social anxiety. Once you prove yourself in the gym, you will not give a fuck about any random stranger. MMA/Muay Thai/BJJ/Boxing.

2014-06-26T09:17:25+00:00

Once you're convinced that you're 2nd rate, its incredibly hard to convince yourself otherwise.

I'm 10x the man i was 4 years ago, but i still felt 2nd rate.

Unfortunately im a believer that once certain parts of your soul/psyche/whatever you want to call it have been broken, they cant be mended again, and all you can do is attempt to work around them.

2014-06-26T10:56:07+00:00

I would recommend a combination of the following.

Nofap. RSDNation videos (particularly Tyler, Alex, Jeffy). And take action.

2014-06-26T11:05:06+00:00

You're 25, you were the way you were after many years of brainwashing by society at large. It's going to take a bit of time to undo what was done.

A few suggestions:

keep on working out, you say you are still not in shape, hang out on /r/Fitness , results will come
Someone in here posted that the difference between PUA and TRP is that PUA makes you a better salesperson, TRP makes you a better product. As an AFC that went PUA and now TRP I can attest to that. Hang out /r/seduction especially read about the daygame, go out there and practice practice practice; results will eventually come
keep reading TRP material, especially about Frame and your Value.

It's a new lifestyle, something that goes against what moist people out there believe and against what most of Mass Media is interested in pushing. Stand tall, things will improve, you said that yourself that you have seen improvement, now continue, don't stop.

thisisntjet · 2014-06-27T09:10:33+00:00

Unlike what some people say, the fear does go away. The thing about improving your value is that it doesn't help you with women. RP theory works hand in hand with game. Reading a book about how to do surgery, and then working on other hobbies will not make me a better surgeon. Ultimately you have to put in the grind to meet women until you get comfortable. Confidence in one area does not mean confidence in all areas. I know successful businessmen who have their entire lives settled, who shit their pants when a hot woman comes up to them.

thisisntjet · 2014-06-27T21:43:51+00:00

Hope this helps you:

http://trueinnerga.me/money-looks-or-status-wont-make-good-with-women/

Title	After years of self improvement I still don't feel a whole lot more confident in myself. Why?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	15
Comments	29
Date	June 25, 2014 9:31 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/293etd/after_years_of_self_improvement_i_still_dont_feel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/after-years-of-self-improvement-i-still-dont-feel.17071 https://theredarchive.com/post/17071

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