I was never allowed to have pet hamsters as a kid. We never had a hamster as a class pet either. I never cleaned shit, I never buried a dead one in the back yard, and I never lost one in a recliner. Having no negative experiences with hamsters as a child, I still like them quite a bit as an adult. After discovering TRP, I was delighted to learn that there are WAY more hamsters in the world than I originally knew. For instance, several of my old buddies have hamsters that run really fast all day to help them believe that their rude, lazy, fat, and crazy wives are special magical angel snowflakes. When I go to work, I get to watch my co-workers’ hamsters run and run all day so they can believe that they should be paid more for working less! But most of all, nearly every woman that I meet always brings her hamster for me to watch and play with. Y’all, I fucking love hamsters. And now that I can recognize one and watch it play, I find myself amused all the day long.

Gents, something recently occurred to me while increasing my TRP knowledge. I have made a shocking discovery which will absolutely not shake TRP to its very foundation, but hopefully will open up discussion and make for some learning and some laughs. Specifically, I will lay out evidence to support the conclusion that beta male hamster and the post-wall hamster are the exact same species. Let us look at the “conclusions” that are reached by individuals of both sexes when the hamster is awake and running at his wheel.

My innate qualities are the most important part about me. People should love me for who I really am on the inside.

For BP/Beta – I’m nice and chivalrous. I am not pushy. I quietly endure instead of seize what I want. Being a nice person should get me laid, and these bitches won’t put out.

For Post-Wall – I’m smart, I’m ambitious, I’m driven, I’m still young-at-heart. And these fucking assholes don’t seem to want a 34 year old. I am way better in bed than some 18 year old skinny bitch.

If I am not sexually attractive, it is because society or the opposite sex is inherently flawed. We should work hard to change society. The opposite sex should stop being so stupid, shallow.

For BP/Beta – Women only like assholes. They say they want nice, but that one dude with a neck tattoo who hits his baby-mama gets pussy all the time. Women are stupid.

For Post-Wall – Men are such dogs. They hate commitment. They will fuck me, but none of them want to date me or put a baby in me. Men should stop being shallow.

The opposite sex only cares about [insert X quality or X characteristic or X adjective absent in owner of hamster]. I shouldn’t have to [X] for the opposite sex to want to be with me.

For BP/Beta – women like meat head gym-rats with new cars and nice suits. I shouldn’t have to spend money on stupid meaningless shit just to impress women. They should stop being so shallow.

For Post-Wall – Men my age date younger women. Men older than me date women younger than me. Guys younger than me date women younger than me. I shouldn’t have to dress like some young slut.

I hate the opposite sex. I hate them with every ounce of my being. Please love me!!!!

What the hamster owners fail to grasp is that society is not the problem. Laziness, greediness, and lack of foresight are the problem - not with society, but with the hamsters themselves. Hamsters aren't people. They are animals that want to eat and fuck and shit and fuck and eat. They have no concept of mortality. Hamsters do not know that one day they will not be able to have little hamsters. I doubt if hamsters know little hamsters come from fucking. Hamsters dont have jobs, do not deal with bills, don't have insurance deductibles. Letting a hamster run your brain is at best grossly negligent and will give you a really bad time. Oh sure, you may be sated in short bursts - but as humans we are capable of long term, critical thinking. To not use such extraordinary gifts is to spit in the face of our forbears who passed it down through more than a million years of evolution, struggle, and horrible, painful death.

BP/Beta males are way more fortunate because males can rid themselves of a nasty infestation of this species of hamster at any age, just by fumigating with TRP. As I discovered in my 20s, a man can set his hamster free. Age and experience help a man to understand that he no longer needs a hamster because the world is a much more sane, manageable place without a fucking rodent controlling your thoughts and feelings. Because of the nature of being a man, it is worth setting your hamster free even later in life. It is not too late to turn things around, get fit, take care of yourself, and go out into the world to claim a piece of it as your own.

However, once a woman has relied upon her hamster past the wall, there is no conceivable reason for her to rid herself of it. Her hamster protects her, makes her feel like the world was out to get her, permits her to remain a special magical angel snowflake in her own mind. A woman’s attractiveness comes with an expiration date, and therefore so does her desirability as a sexual and romantic partner. Society has done itself a great disservice by encouraging women to live fun and fancy-free of consequences without informing them of the price they may pay. I believe in a woman’s right to choose a life of partying, strange cocks, and zero consequences but only after she has been fully apprised of the potential risks to her ability to secure a quality mate whom she respects.

Therefore, gents, I make to you a most modest proposition. I suggest that all of us who ascribe to the theories and strategies set forth through TRP get tattoos either on our dicks our just above them carrying a surgeon general’s warning of sorts. TRP Warning: If you stick this in your body, it will be a super fun time. If you stick too many of these in your body, no self-respecting man will have you and you will end up single with cats or married to someone you loathe.

Edit: added some more mentions of the word hamster in occasional places.