A coworker tried to cockblock me during a dinner and I shut him down by targeting his sexual life and stupidity... did I go over the top?

kruxofthemimed · 2016-12-22T20:35:32+00:00

I have a saying that I find applies to a lot of questions like these:

"If you have to ask.. then you probably already know."

Whether you ruined your chances with the girl who knows but yeah the guy will obviously be butthurt for a while

HumanSockPuppet · 2016-12-23T00:28:42+00:00

You did go a little too far, yes.

When people are out together, they welcome gestures which reinforce group unity and steer away from gestures that create a divide. No one likes having to "pick sides" in a conflict. Everyone wants to have friends and be liked by everyone else.

There is an art to diffusing an AMOG gracefully. The trick is not to retaliate against an attack, but instead to call out the AMOG by pointing out the fact that he is attacking and trying to divide the group.

Some things you can say to achieve this are:

Hey dude, this isn't the first time you've done this. Is there a reason you're trying to make everyone feel awkward?
I'm not sure what I've done to provoke this behaviour of yours, but you're making everyone uncomfortable.

They key idea is that you're not defending yourself, but rather you are defending the group's cohesion. Responding this way transforms you into the concerned leader, and makes it more likely that rest of the group will side with you to diffuse the conflict. It also demonstrates superior social skills.

Remember, a powerful man does not worry about his image. He knows that he is well-liked. His social abundance allows him to focus on protecting others.

GaiusScaevolus · 2016-12-22T21:53:34+00:00

He was saying this stuff trying to make his best friend laugh, while laughing himself, in front of everyone. And I lost it. I kept my cool, I laughed and said to those near me (including the girl) how "he's just pissy because he's still trying to figure out which dick his ex is currently riding". [FULL STOP]

What you did is essentially show how much he got to you by lowering yourself to his level. If you had stopped at the point above, you'd have a much easier time passing it off as a friendly counter jape to the others, while he'll be fully aware that he needs to back off or pick a different topic.

[deleted] · 2016-12-23T00:45:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

vandaalen · 2016-12-22T20:26:36+00:00

Don't shit where you eat.

bumbuff · 2016-12-22T22:01:14+00:00

The mocking was overkill for sure. I can imagine you looked like a very immature high school kid again.

Then to talk trash behind his back nailed it in the coffin with me.

You seemed like you had no control over yourself.

KumonRoguing · 2016-12-22T22:24:54+00:00

This is one of those parts of trp where you have to decide what type of man you are. You could laugh it off and just show no reaction, as he's not worth it. That changes your reputation though. Totally destroying him in front of everyone isn't the wrong move, it just gives you another reputation.

rattamahatta · 2016-12-22T21:34:30+00:00

You acted like a schoolgirl reacting to a schoolgirl.

[deleted] · 2016-12-22T21:58:10+00:00

This situation is essentially a shit test in the third person. Normally you get them in the second person. You are the first person, the woman is the second person, and everyone else is the third person. This is very much related to situations of a girl's friends trying to cockblock in that it's a third-person shit test.

One of the essential aspects of a shit test of any type is that it sorts the person receiving it into one of two categories (based on frame) depending on how they interpret it. If you interpret it as being attacked (ie: a loss of frame through vulnerability), then you can end up lashing out like you did here. However, if you look at it as no big deal (ie: the maintenance of frame), then you can respond with smooth A&A or just ignore it.

You will lose frame here if you assume that this guy can fuck up your chances with the girl with what he's saying. You'll only think he can fuck up your chances if you do not think you're the shit. If you think that you're the shit, then it won't matter that he's saying these things because you're so fucking good that it just doesn't matter what the guy says. Water off a duck's back.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2016-12-22T22:01:27+00:00

Normally I would not be a fan of going completely nuclear, but it had to happen sometime. Since it's already done, I will review the game film and then tell you what to do going forward.

I completely humiliated him in front of everyone

Good. Fuck that loser. He's a piece of shit bully. What, you're supposed to do, eat a bowl of his shit and tell him how good it tastes?

I completely humiliated him in front of everyone, and he didn't like that one bit.

Good. Fuck that loser, again, up the ass, with a pineapple.

One of the girls, his best female friend, looked at me disgusted.

Fuck her. She's a cunt.

Needless to say, we talked about the guy and his issues for the rest of the night.

Better than the other way around.

And what was the point of cockblocking me, humiliating me and making the girl uncomfortable in front of everyone?

It made him feel good to humiliate you. That's why he did it. But it turns out he doesn't like his own sauce.

The better move here, after he left, would have been to say, "There's a NEW sheriff in town", then hold up your hand like your index finger is the barrel of a handgun and your thumb is the hammer, and "blow" smoke away from the mouth of the barrel, then re-holster, and change the subject.

I feel both good that I shut his ass down, and bad at the fact there's now a weird situation at work...

Not your problem. Maintain frame. Stay calm.

Should I have just kept my head down?

Nope. Otherwise he'd just go on shitting all over you, same as before. Maybe he's learned his lesson.

So moving forward, you need to manage relationships. If this guy talks shit to you in front of everyone, say, "Didn't you LURN anything from the dinner the other night?"

You can escalate this if you have to (i.e. he doesn't stop) and ask, "So what did you do after you left dinner the other night? Did you get drunk or did you go home and cry like a little pussy?" He may take a swing at you at this point, so be careful.

If he, or anyone else, comments to you that you "shouldn't have been so mean" to him, point out that he didn't have to start shit with you, either, such as telling the consultant chick that you wanted to get in her pants, which was a COMPLETELY inappropriate thing to say.

Your fallback here is this, "Hey, all Steve had to do was treat me with the courtesy that one would afford a complete stranger. Instead, he decided to talk shit, and then he experienced a Failure in his Victim Selection Process."

Enjoy your Schadenfreude, but watch your back at work.

RPAlternate42 · 2016-12-22T23:20:58+00:00

The best responses to these types of things are level-headed responses:

"I don't know why you keep trying to insult me while we are all enjoying the night here and the dinner. We are having a good time and you are trying to, for some reason, put a damper on that good time. I don't find your negativity or unpleasantness to be welcome and if you can't control yourself, then perhaps you should leave."

Then say nothing else and carry on as normal.

Groups tend to rally behind the person who seems most in control. By simply grouping everyone behind you as being the ones having the good time, they will subconsciously apply themselves to the category you define: wanting unpleasantness to leave the table. After all, no one would really say, "nah, I like the unpleasantness and would like him to stay," even if they don't like you because they don't want to be the first person to put their foot in their mouth; they assume everyone else is on board as well.

If he continues, and this is where OI and Abundance (in all things) comes in handy: just dismiss yourself from the table, tell the party you are going to "X" and anyone that wants to join is welcome to. Look at the girl you're gaming when you say that.

It's an all-in move, but it shows you won't deal with nonsense and can be the bigger man; you don't throw insults back, you just don't have time for those types of people.

The way you handled it: you just made drama and fell to his level.

[deleted] · 2016-12-22T20:42:40+00:00

Didn't even have to read anything other than coworker.

dickcomments · 2016-12-23T03:42:34+00:00

Always leave your enemy with their dignity. You can make your point without humiliation, especially as humiliation makes you looks bad as well.

SpinPlates · 2016-12-23T01:01:42+00:00

OP, You gotta understand that Trp and especially asktrp are full of guys that like to roast the people that post here. It's a way for them to feel like a veteran RP'er and have a sense of power in their shitty lives. There is a lot of elitism here on this sub so just take the harsh roasting with a grain of salt.

It's easy for guys that don't know your situation to say you over reacted and you ruined the dinner but they don't think about this asshole picking at you for months or years, day in and day out. We're all human and we all get to that boilover point where you lose your cool and escalate things further than you should have. No big deal.

Now here is my humble advice to you. Don't game women in front of envious men. Definitely don't game women in front of coworkers and FOR FUCKS SAKE don't game a Coworker in front of other coworkers. I know she's only there for a week but she isn't worth the hassle of the gossip at the office whether you smash or not.

I can't knock you for over reacting if he was a mutual friend. If i was at dinner of friends and some dude that I'm not really friends with is opening cock blocking me and has been for a while i might lose my cool too. Its not ideal but it happens. Fuck that guy for shit testing you. He's obviously envious of you. Take that and be happy and try not to explode on people that can't just be happy for other people so they try to ruin shit for everyone.

TL;DR I criticise you for putting yourself in that situation but not for putting that guy in his place. Fuck him.

randarrow · 2016-12-22T22:53:34+00:00

Work grudges are nasty.

648262 · 2016-12-23T11:14:55+00:00

It felt good, but nothing of value was gained.

You lost frame in front of everyone. It happens, but it shouldn't have.

There might be some aftermath.

PS: I hate this guys, so completely(!) understandable reaction from you. Fuck that guy.

BPasFuck · 2016-12-22T21:30:42+00:00

Here's your biggest problem in this entire post:

You don't have somewhere better to be, than at some fuckass dinner with other workplace drones.

Vomit.

You need a social life that does not include these people. Work on that.

zboo1h · 2016-12-22T22:49:32+00:00

Keeping it simple and changing the subject or half-ignoring it would've been better. You showed that guy and everyone there that what he said got under your skin and provoked a reaction.

Borsao66 · 2016-12-23T01:17:03+00:00

Law 19: Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person

There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way. Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs' clothing. Choose your victims and opponents carefully. Never offend or deceive the wrong person!

The Hopelessly Insecure Man

This man is related to the proud and arrogant type, but is less violent and harder to spot. His ego is fragile, his sense of self insecure, and if he feels himself deceived or attacked, the hurt will simmer. He will attack you in bites that will take forever to get big enough for you to notice. If you find you have deceived or harmed such a man, disappear for a long time. Do not stay around him or he will nibble you to death.

TheBeardedMarxist · 2016-12-23T03:31:25+00:00

You two sound like a couple of bitches.

And I lost it. I kept my cool

Did you hold frame as well. Lol

Sir_Distic · 2016-12-23T18:07:13+00:00

Kept your head down, no. Called him out in front of everyone? No.

You lost frame. Next time simply put the pressure on him. "Would it bother you if I was?" (wink at her)

Get up to go the bathroom and tap him on the shoulder, motion for him to follow you. Or just straight up ask to speak to him privately. Ask if everything is ok. Act concerned for him. Find out why he cares so much. He's either in love with her or jealous of you. Neither of which you're responsible for or is your problem.

Just ignore what he's doing or subtly call him out on it quickly and move on.

LordThunderbolt · 2016-12-24T07:22:26+00:00

I think you did good. Forget about that passive hold frame bullshit, sometimes you just gotta put a motherfucker in his place.

Wallace68LeMay · 2016-12-23T03:21:16+00:00

What you need to do is invite this guy out for drinks one on one under the pretext of reconciliation. Buy him shots until he's wasted then beat his ass in the parking lot. Deny everything on the grounds that he was black out drunk, you left early but seem to recall him messing with a couple different big dudes. Photoshop uber or cab receipts showing you leaving early. He will know exactly what happened but wont be able to prove anything.

Wallace68LeMay · 2016-12-23T03:21:16+00:00

What you need to do is invite this guy out for drinks one on one under the pretext of reconciliation. Buy him shots until he's wasted then beat his ass in the parking lot. Deny everything on the grounds that he was black out drunk, you left early but seem to recall him messing with a couple different big dudes. Photoshop uber or cab receipts showing you leaving early. He will know exactly what happened but wont be able to prove anything.

Wallace68LeMay · 2016-12-23T03:21:16+00:00

What you need to do is invite this guy out for drinks one on one under the pretext of reconciliation. Buy him shots until he's wasted then beat his ass in the parking lot. Deny everything on the grounds that he was black out drunk, you left early but seem to recall him messing with a couple different big dudes. Photoshop uber or cab receipts showing you leaving early. He will know exactly what happened but wont be able to prove anything.

Title	A coworker tried to cockblock me during a dinner and I shut him down by targeting his sexual life and stupidity... did I go over the top?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	30
Comments	50
Date	December 22, 2016 8:02 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5jsoms/a_coworker_tried_to_cockblock_me_during_a_dinner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/a-coworker-tried-to-cockblock-me-during-a-dinner.182514 https://theredarchive.com/post/182514

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