How to deal with a FWB who tries to be too assertive in bed

Homosapiensized · 2015-12-17T18:48:06+00:00

If you a woman to continue to fuck you, you need to give them sex that they enjoy. It sounds like she was getting close to cumming and you decided to drop the ball. And arguing with her is you totally breaking frame. Who the fuck argues during sex?

[deleted] · 2015-12-17T21:10:20+00:00

It sounds to me like she mentally placed me in some sort of "beta fucks" category

She has mistaken you for some sort of decent human being. Leave and let her move on and find a guy capable of satisfying a woman.

ben0wn4g3 · 2015-12-17T18:20:48+00:00

Let her

[deleted] · 2015-12-17T19:16:40+00:00

You need to lift more.

paulwalkr · 2015-12-17T16:52:22+00:00

dominance is just one of the four points, perhaps the emotion wasn't great, or some other factor was off.

Sir_Shitlord_focker · 2015-12-18T10:14:00+00:00

Ignore her and do what you want that will turn her on

UnicornWIP · 2015-12-17T21:37:16+00:00

I am a girl that is sexually submissive. I think it is something a percentage if girls are born inclined to, like being born gay or with a foot fetish. It's always been what turned me on. For ex: as a teenager I wouldn't get turned on by regular porn or romance. However, I would randomly get wet while watching scene in a movie where a person was tortured or bullied (non-consent turned me on but it is an extreme of D/S I don't want in real life. Sort of like enjoying watching orgy porn but having no interest in doing it IRL. But maybe you'd try a threesome... the extreme fantasy turns you on a lot, but not the actual practice).

Anyways: most guys don't get it. That is okay! It is hard to understand. If she is submissive, she has to be assertive sometimes to give you opportunities to put her in her place or punish her. This is very difficult for the guy because it's hard to tell if she is saying no as a test or because she actually means it. It sounded like she actually meant it which is very frustrating for the sub. Our needs and wants matter too: they just come after yours. If we were doing a lot of things for you we really don't enjoy doing, it's disrespectful for you to not reward us. Makes me lose trust over time.

Ideally the guy would push my boundaries until I clearly say no or my body language / reaction shows I'm not that into it (if a guy kept pushing anal and I didn't like it, I would dry up and distance myself mentally, etc). If I am into it my no's would turn to thank you's, etc. like if you were to stop fingering her and fuck her, and she said no, but you fuck her just right and she reacts by loving it/ moaning, etc say something like "See trust me. I know what is best for you. Now if you want me to keep fucking you, I want to hear an apology right now."

... Soooo hot.

Anyways: it's not about the actions. It's the mental game. Which is basically: punish vs award. Pushing the right boundaries at the right times. (Same as outside of sex). And if you win, you will have incredible hot, entertaining sex with a girl who legit gets off on pleasing you. It's super rare to find a guy who can mentally dominate during sex and she will appreciate and respect you endlessly if you succeed (if she is truly a natural sub).

It's good that you can already talk to her while having sex. That will make it less awkward when first try to be verbally dominant. The first few times are hard / scary, but then after the precedent is set it's very easy for the guy. That's the point: it's supposed to be easy for the Dom. Just be creative and put energy into it every once in a while or she will get bored / feel taken for granted.

To start: You can also try asking if she wants to establish a safety word. This is the word that really means stop so she can say no without actually full meaning it. Should be a word you wouldn't say otherwise, like "Kansas". A lot of people use the red, yellow, green system. Red means stop sex: you pushed me to far and I need a break. Yellow is a soft no: stop doing what you are doing now, slow down, or stop pushing so hard. Green means: I am good with this (if you are pushing her) or even you could push harder (if you weren't pushing a boundary already).

I have a really hard time using my safety word or telling a dom I respect "no". At the same time: I crave being punished and if I am the perfect sub all the time, it feels fake / corny to be punished for no reason. I only act out when I am frustrated. What I really want us a Dom that is so strict, I fail sometimes even while trying my hardest. That is a real dom / sub dynamic.

I pretend like the safety word doesn't exist after establishing it. Neither of us should rely on it. For me: it gives me too much control to use it. Me having control means you are actually serving me, this is the opposite of dom/sub! Huge turnoff! For you: it makes you stop paying attention to her because you say she is responsible for her mental / physical safety. No. You are primarily responsible for her safety and her enjoyment as her Dom. It's just a safeguard so she can't be pushed so far you do lasting mental or physical damage.

With red, yellow, green you can also ask for status. It's like a temporary break in the scene to make sure she is good. You pause and say "Status?" And she responds with corresponding color "I'm green" or "I'm yellow". This shows to the sub you care about how she is feeling and still gives you control while using the safety word. It also makes the sub feel like less of a failure for asking you to stop pushing her too hard. It makes it easier to understand her hard limits vs her soft limits when starting, so it's a great system for newb's.

FrameWalker · 2015-12-17T17:00:05+00:00

t our two styles came to a head last night because I was telling her to do one thing, but she was like, "No, I want you to keep fingering me!". It broke the immersion and we got into an argument. She told me that I "used to be so sweet" and she's had guys just do things to her before and didn't feel safe and that I should talk to her about things before doing them.

This is okay. YOu're sticking to your ground. You have two choices when the argument is about to start

1) Turn up the fire and escalate until it's hate-fucking 2) De-escalate say you need a break and try again later. DOn't actually argue

Some girls just use you for sex, and vica versa. I have a strong desire to find girls that are more interested in giving rather than taking, but honestly I am looking for just sex by default so it's not a terrible arrangement.

Invalidity · 2015-12-17T17:34:07+00:00

If a woman wants you to keep fingering her, and you don't want to, are you gonna keep fingering her? No. If that stops the sex, you walk out. You don't reward that shit. You don't fight with someone who isn't worth an ounce of your opinions.

It is part of her nature to create a power struggle. Your duty is to ensure that she knows where she stands. You will never listen to her command you, but you may listen to her requests, if she should ever ask politely.

David949 · 2015-12-17T19:42:52+00:00

It sounds like she is a budding FemDome. Nothing wrong with a dominant woman unless you don't want that sort of woman. Next her

Title	How to deal with a FWB who tries to be too assertive in bed
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	16
Date	December 17, 2015 4:40 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3x8cgd/how_to_deal_with_a_fwb_who_tries_to_be_too/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-deal-with-a-fwb-who-tries-to-be-too.187677 https://theredarchive.com/post/187677

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