Work

I am a support worker for this private care home that rehabilitates people who suffer with mental health illnesses back into society. Long story short, I am not happy. I do the job fine although I feel at times I feel that I do not get the respect I want from the other support workers and residents.

Respect. I am the only guy at the section I work at, which is fine - I don’t mind, but I have had this temperament for as long as I remember that completely screws me over. I seek variation with a lot of my work, I don’t speak much unless spoken to and then I will follow their conversation of topic but when I do speak about something I am passionate about I feel that it is not met with any sort of respect due to it looking like I don’t believe in myself. Hopefully that make sense. Basically I am very tender with my approach and I have always told myself that it just who I am. I have noticed a lot recently I have a lot of stress and tension in my body when I finish work. As if I haven’t said everything I wanted to say.

The job itself is basically supporting other peoples problem. I have genuinely thought that I am sensitive, empathetic, all the right skills and that I did enjoy this type of work. Now I just don’t know.

Girls

Simple. I am over-invested in them. My general conversation is getting better but as I mentioned above, I am really tender. I come across as the sensitive, sweet guy. I have noticed a few times I have come out of the conversation thinking - what did I say? was that alright? My brain is just doing all the work. Instead of just being in the moment, feeling what is going on my brain does all the work.

The only girls I have dated in my life are girls with self-confidence issues. What does that say!

The final thing I want to add is my mood. This one makes me feel uncomfortable but it is true. Basically my mood can change a lot depending on how the girl I am into receives my interaction with her.

Guys

Again with the tenderness. If there is a guy who I guess displays a high level of intelligence, testosterone or humour I usually crumble under the pressure. I get in-secure. I revert back to my tender nature and will disconnect myself from the situation until spoken to. I have noticed a few times, getting what I would call bitchy. I point out flaws in my head about this guy, come up with reasons why I don’t like them. How fucking sad!

I also feel like they could just cut me in half with their words. I just don’t feel strong!

To finish

I have recently been on the path to correct these things and better myself. I have been putting myself first a lot. Saying no when I need to. Generally trying to listen to how I FEEL above most things. I have been looking after my health and fitness for a few months now - working out, attending a yoga class, eating better, sleeping better. I am socialising much more again. Reading lots more. For the first few months I feel great but recently the underlying irritability the looms within me has come back again. (Side note: which has given me tight traps and shoulders, any remedy?)

I am basically starting to think no matter how much I change my lifestyle and put myself out there I need to start truly loving myself first. Simply, I don’t believe in myself. I can recognise a lot of things that are damaging me yet I can’t seem to act on them.

Can anyone relate and offer some advice?

I don’t feel like I am truly living, there is a man inside of me who wants to get out but can’t.