LTR went through my phone, need advice

FrameWalker · 2015-05-04T14:38:19+00:00

You've gotta do what's best for you, and ultimately you'll decide. Try to evaluate the story from all perspectives.

Going through someone else's phone is WRONG. It's akin to theft, and it only leads to potentially worse behaviors like stalking, extreme jealousy and possessiveness. The worst part is that it shows a lack of respecting boundaries.
As a counterpoint, many men operate on the "trust but verify" policy and actively check their LTR's phone. That way you can see when a new orbiter has entered, get a hint of any potential cheating before there's an STD risk etc. This level of security may be needed for live-in girlfriends/wives, I don't know. In my experience verifying is a double edged sword - and a slippery path into oneitis and controlling behavior. At the moment I maintain strict nonexclusivity, assume my girls are seeing others, and act accordingly (letting go of the idea that when I'm not with them they're being faithful).

Being cheated on hurts. The lying is the worst part. If you've entered a LTR then you've most likely discussed being exclusive. If you've agreed to it, but weren't planning on following through you entered her frame. There are women out there who will share you, and while you don't rub it in their face, you sure as hell don't lie to them about it. The part that's really gonna upset the girl isn't that you're not exclusive, it's that you broke frame and lied about it.

project car with this girl, I crafted her into being the perfect LTR.

Unicorns are made, not found is often iterated on here. Enforcing boundaries and rewarding good behavior seems to lead to desired outcomes. Conversely "fixing" is a nice guy behavior. If you ever find yourself frustrated that she's not growing fast enough, or living up to your nice guy expectations don't be afraid to drop and replace, or find a different way to meet your needs.

abdada · 2015-05-04T13:40:16+00:00

Maintain your frame. What she did was unacceptable and you are not interested in violating her privacy and from now on you expect her to not violate yours.

Explain to her that her violation is leading her to create stories in her mind that are impossible to disprove because you can't prove a negative.

Tell her you hope you can forgive her but you're shocked that she acted like "most girls, unable to stop looking for a reason to create drama" and that "if I wanted to be with that kind of immature brat, I would have picked (her most dramatic friend name)"

[deleted] · 2015-05-04T16:27:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Squeezymypenisy · 2015-05-04T16:33:48+00:00

You call yourself redpill yet you plated a coworker. That's like rule 101 of what not do and is said all the time on here.

galileh · 2015-05-04T16:17:53+00:00

Is it not considered RedPill to own up and stop lying to your girlfriend? From what you say, she is nothing but good to you. It's not right to betray someone's trust for personal hedonism.

We talk about male honor a lot around here, let's actually apply it in our personal lives. What you're doing is dishonorable.

thenarrrowpath · 2015-05-04T14:09:11+00:00

Don't shit where you eat man.

DandyReps · 2015-05-04T14:05:33+00:00

So you have a plate and a LTR? Whats the point of having the plate? Like, what do you even do?

slater2j · 2015-05-04T16:08:28+00:00

If she was perfect, you wouldn't need plates, or she'd be ok with them.

fnordsnord · 2015-05-04T16:25:01+00:00

Okay - first: You've plated a coworker? Don't do that. Now what happens when she finds out she's a plate? One call to HR can end your professional life. Don't date at work.

But that's that.

Second - your phones not locked? Really? Dude, c'mon. Lock your phone. Now. Stop reading this post, get out your phone, and set a simple idiots-and-children password on your phone. As we have learned, it's NOT to keep out Chinese spies or Russian mobsters. It can't DO that. But it CAN keep your girlfriend out. Fix that shit.

You've already lost hand - you let her make it about what she found rather than her violation of your privacy and trust. You should have been coldly furious from the get-go, refused to talk about the contents of your phone and told her off for violating your privacy.

Moving forward, here's what I would do:

Change the location of the meet up away from my place. Meet at a coffee shop or bar. So that you can leave rather than having to throw her out if it goes bad. She may also be less willing to create a public scene.
IMMEDIATELY go on the offensive about her snooping. It's juvenile behavior and you never expected it of her. Under NO circumstances allow her to make the conversation about what she found or the piggish nature of men. Those things are irrelevant. She violated your trust.
If you get an apology, and do not accept "I shouldn't have done that but . . ." invite her back to your place. Escalate.

If she refuses to engage on your terms - keeps pushing to discuss "what was on your phone," leave. Tell her you'll contact her later. Go radio silent for 2 days, then re-engage as if nothing happened.

Title	LTR went through my phone, need advice
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	35
Date	May 4, 2015 1:34 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/34tm3m/ltr_went_through_my_phone_need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/ltr-went-through-my-phone-need-advice.190721 https://theredarchive.com/post/190721

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