I picked up this book recently after hearing good things from a variety of very non-RP sources. I was expecting this book, in many ways, to be the antithesis of RP thought. There was actually a lot of cross-pollination with MRP, which surprised me considering it was a book written for women by a female (presumably left-leaning) sex educator.

Below are the major points in the book:

  • According to the author, virtually every woman is “normal” regardless of sex drive or desire level. One of her most repeated lines goes something like “we all have the same parts, just arranged differently.”
  • She describes sexual response by asserting that every woman has a “gas pedal” and a “brake pedal.” These factors of increasing and decreasing sexual desire are often present at the same time and often contradictory.
  • She suggests having an abundance mentality, and encourages her readers to practice mindfulness (including mindful masturbation)
  • She goes on to say that woman should “turn on the ons” and “turn off the offs,” meaning learning what lowers or increases their sex drive (see next bullet point)
  • She explains that women are incredibly sensitive to context, and she encourages the reader to write down the details of three positive sexual encounters and three negative sexual encounters in order for the reader to consider which contexts work for her.
  • She talks about how many women have responsive desire.
  • She tells women that when they get the FEELS (yes, she uses that word) they should work through the feeling to its natural finish (in an appropriate place/time) instead of holding it in.
  • She talks about “meta-emotions.” She defines them as “how you feel about how you feel.” She suggests that women’s meta-feelings (like feeling bad about feeling bad about her body, or feeling guilty for not feeling into sex) often impedes sexual desire. She encourages her readers to have positive meta-emotions, even if their actual emotions are negative.
  • The book itself incorporates a lot of peer-reviewed scientific research, particularly psychology. The last thirty pages contain all her references.

Relation to RP

  • I was interested to see the science seems to fully support the idea of responsive desire. This is something that’s abundantly clear to MRP followers.
  • She talks in-depth about context. I thought this was particularly relevant to MRP thinking. At the end of the day, we are changing the context of our marriage and family life through MRP principles. That more positive context, then, probably does increase our partner’s desire. It’s no longer the same-old, same-old with their Beta partners. We’re literally reinventing the context when we are more alpha, own our shit, etc. Makes sense.
  • She discusses the fact that women often succumb to the feelz. While I’m still unsure about her proposal that women need to fully work through and release those feelz, the fact that she recognized them (and even termed them “feels”) was interesting.

Criticisms:

  • She is ridiculously affirming to her readers. That comes as no surprise, considering it’s written for women. However, this constant refrain of “you’re totally ok” seems to suggest that the reader does not need to actively work towards bettering themselves. Seems self-defeating.
  • The fucking METAPHORS. There are way too many. Throughout the book, she talks about accelerator and brake pedals, monitors in your brain, gardens, flocks of birds, lions, and MANY more. The flock of birds metaphor was used to describe women’s thoughts, which I found immensely amusing. She basically describes women’s thoughts (especially as related to sex) as a flock of confused birds flying this way and that. She argues the reader can/should try to get all the birds flying the same direction. To me, the RIDICULOUS number of metaphors (that are incredibly challenging to keep track of) is simply one thing: a psychologist trying to conceptualize and explain the hamster.
  • She never once mentions the effects of the menstrual cycle, despite committing an entire chapter to the anatomy of men and women.

Conclusion:

While I don’t think this book needs to be a part of the MRP sidebar by any means, it was interesting to see someone on the opposite end of the cultural spectrum try to explain women’s sexuality. While it doesn't necessarily align with MRP thought, I am still going to encourage my wife to read it, if only for the reflective exercises at the end of most chapters. My wife is notoriously bad at self-reflection, and the structure of the worksheets/exercises might help her be more reflective about our sex life. Ultimately, the book might be worth a read if you’ve read most of the sidebar and the go-to MRP books.

Two quick field reports:

Full disclosure: I’m just starting my MRP journey (a few months since I’ve fully swallowed/choked it down). My backbone is still that of a fetus (or perhaps a small rodent), but I’m getting there. My weight is down, I’m working out consistently, taking more leadership, dressing better, etc.

FR #1: Twice in the past month, in the middle of the night, she has rolled over and embraced me tightly in her sleep. She has no recollection of it the next morning, and she’s never done this before. To me, this is evidence that the MRP is affecting her on a deeply subconscious level. Call it dread or whatever, but the fact that she’s embracing me unconsciously in a very feminine/sweet way suggests that at a deep level, she’s feeling the ground starting to shift underneath her feet.

FR #2: This morning in the bathtub, she said something along the lines of “I don’t know where all these changes are coming from. I feel like you’ve become a much better man over the last couple of months. I’m kinda afraid you’re going to become this really cool person, and then leave me for someone else.” Dread, brothers, Dread.

Thanks for all the good advice, encouragement, and ass-kicking you guys do on here. I kid you not: you are helping to save a lot of marriages.

Hope you have a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend full of mind-blowing sexy time.