I'm writing this from the hospital. Sitting beside my old man. He made it through last year.

The procedure happened at the end of summer. He bought himself a car two weeks before the surgery. He signed all the paperwork giving me prime directive and power of attorney a year in the future just in case. I got what I wanted. Power to handle his shit should he not make it without any interference from vaginas.

The surgery lasted 8 hours. I stayed until the doctor came and told me he made it. Then I went home. The vaginas bickered about this from the start. I told all my family no visitors for 3 days after at least. He was in ICU two weeks. Then normal care for a week before I brought him home.

I did try to explain that my presence wasn't needed the first few weeks as he had 10 nurses and doctors around him at all times. There's nothing for me to do. So I got prepped for the real struggle. Handling my dad when he got home.

I had already quit my job once making the most money I ever made to move back to where all the family was to prep for this. So I got a job until the surgery then I quit that too a few weeks before go time.

I prepped the house and brought him home 3 weeks later. It is now mid September. I am now living at my dads house 5-6 nights a week. Cooking cleaning bathing and putting him to bed every night while I get to sleep on his couch five hours a night. I thought I could do some 1099 stuff in the down time. I was so fucking wrong.

I thought I was strong enough to do this. And I was for 5 days at a time but the lack of sleep and all these people coming over to visit him while not doing shit was making me angry. Thank god for my mom and aunt. I welcomed the relief to go home and just sleep. I thought I was strong but I was wrong.

Three months of this goes by. It is now winter. No jobs are hiring. Nothing I'm used to cause it's the dead zone holiday no hire time. I have burned through my savings. I pull out my Roth IRA to put into my bank account. I burn through about 4-5 k in a few months. Additional two just to move back and that was me and him doing all the labor. I'm bleeding money. I'm negative 2k every month.

My old man is finally back on his feet working. It is now December.

I go get a job getting paid 11 bucks an hour. The manager tells me he will work me 55 hours a week. He's full of shit. I never get over 40. I pick up a second job. I work 60 hours a week at both jobs. I take no days off. I'm still under every month. Not by much, but a few hundred bucks a month still adds up.

I thought I was real strong. I just kept saying "make my shoulders broader, fuck the weight" my buddy calls me. We haven't talked in five years? He asks what I'm doing. I tell him the story. "Buddy you need to come do sales with me. You'll be alright, I know you are a grinder I'll tell my boss and he will hire you"

I decide to hedge my bets. It's March now. I quit one shit job keep the second better paying shit job and work 70 hours a week no days off the whole month. I thought I was strong. But my body gave me the biggest fuck you ever. I started to literally bleed out of my ass by the end of the month and I couldn't tell why.

Three months later I find out I have autoimmune that flared up cause I didn't let my body rest enough. I made five grand in march. Then in April. Then in may. I was no longer financially starving. But I was fucking dying one shit at a time. I am not as strong as I think I am. I am weak.

Tonight my old man called me to take him to the hospital because he was having pains. After 3.5 hours of waiting was taken back and got scanned. I'm still waiting for the results four hours later. I am in hour 19 of 24. I'm supposed to do a 12 hour shift tomorrow but fuck that.

Who did he call first? His daughters who didn't fucking pick up. Who got bitched at all night instead of being thanked for being at his side? This guy. I told the nurses to pull out his IV and shove it back in two or three times. I'm so pissed. Is this what having kids is like? You take care of them and they bitch you out the whole time? Was I like this? Was my old man this strong when I was young? I don't know. The thing that gets me is that it doesn't get any better in the future. He's going to get worse. My mom will also get sick and I'll do this for her too. Being strong feels weak. I can't tell if I'm just weak and used to it or I'm strong and feel weak cause I can't do shit for them.

What have I gained from all this? The ability to look at most things and say "meh" and know I've been through worse. Nothing can phase me now besides losing the parents or the dog. There is nothing else that can shake my foundation.