The smartest dogs are easiest to train

“Other things being equal, it is better to be smart than to be stupid, I guess.”
Carl Sagan, Cosmos (1980), p. 284

I was in the basement, reading Science. Well, I wasn't reading Science, but someone else who read Science summed it up for me.

He said, I have a bigger brain than the puny females, 10% better in fact. I am not sure which part in particular, all I know is it was the part that was grey, not pink, I think that's the awesomus misogynus. It was fucking awesome, and I was happy to hear it.

By reading some words on a page, I had succeeded in outsmarting every woman on the planet. And Sarah was wasting her time in law school. She is such a pleb!

  • Greyhounds are fucking dumb
  • Greyhounds are motivated by their stomachs
  • Greyhounds hold frame.

I own Italian Greyhounds. And they are stupid dogs. They have recall, sit and lay down.

They know the word "park"
They know the word "shower"; and
They know the word "hup"

But, for 2 years, two—full years, I tried to teach fetching. They would chase after the ball, like a speeding bullet. I could not get them to bring it back. At home, they would do it 80% of the time. Outside? Never happens.

I shit on them for their horrible, they look at me wagging their tails. I whisper death threats in their ear, and they lick me in the face. I even reward the fuck out of them when they do it. Doesn't matter.

These little pleb animals, and the wise and benevolent Owner cannot get them to fetch a ball. I could fetch a ball, my spouse can fetch a ball. They can't fetch a ball, because they are stupid, and I am smart. My brain is at least 400x the size of theirs, it makes sense I guess. How great am I.

Mornings

I'm sure everyone has read stories of smart as a whip dogs that go into the fridge, grab a beer for the owner. Smart as a whip dogs that help blind people cross the street, and dogs that find explosives and drugs. This is not one of those stories

Every morning, we feed the guys at 6:30AM. Of course, on the weekends, we like to sleep in. Explain that to a dog though. He doesn't know what Sunday is, he's too busy for such nonsense. Of course, he knows he gets fed at 6:30AM, and if she is still sleeping, well, then clearly something is wrong. He's a dog, he doesn't have a way to articulate this, he only knows how to slap someone in the face, and he uses his tool for all problems. Know what? It works.

I can tell when it's 6:30, because I'll be brushing my teeth, and I can hear her scream at him. She pulls out all her womanly tools. She screams at him, "No no no!" But he just sits there, tail wagging, waiting for her to get up and put food in his bowl.

"Hmmm. Maybe I didn't punch her enough?"

He tries again.

"God! You know nobody likes you right? Nobody likes you Sagan!"

She was chiding the damned dog like he was a high school beta male, seeking validation. She gets up, puts food in the bowl, and he happily gets into his 4-point stance, and has breakfast. I suppose had she not been so tired, or so manipulated by that 11 pound ball of skin and bone, that she would have asked me to feed them; some mornings she does. Instead, we get this wonderful lesson to the ego of men.

The smartest dogs are the easiest to train.

Now, tell me again how great it is that you're smarter than women?