I’ve been thinking a lot about shit tests and building frame. I think new people, myself included, get the wrong idea about building and maintaining frame. A lot of the reading makes it sound like a mental trick, something you get by thinking the right thoughts or feeling the right way. The idea of passing shit tests plays into this as well, because the reading makes it sound like that's also about some mental trick, like solving a riddle.

I've come to believe, though, that this is putting the cart before the horse. The end result - keeping frame and passing shit tests - is indeed a new way of thinking and feeling, but you don't get there by trying to somehow have the right thoughts or feelings. That's like trying to feel confident in the boxing ring by trying to think the right thoughts. But that's not how it works. You feel confident in the boxing ring by training your ass off for years making yourself bigger and stronger and faster and tougher than the other guy. Then when you step into the ring, you don't have to try to feel confident. You just are confident.

A lot of people (again, me included) start out by asking how to pass this or that shit test, and get some pointers – which is fine, as far as it goes. You gotta start somewhere. But being told how to pass some shit test is like memorizing a phrase from a foreign language guide. Yes, great, now you can ask for the nearest bathroom. But you’re not fooling anyone in the long run, especially your wife. Shit tests are her native tongue, and to her you sound like a Japanese tourist at Disneyland.

You don’t become fluent in a language by memorizing a bunch of phrases. You become fluent by learning to think in the language. Once you can do that, you no longer have to rifle through your list of stock phrases looking for the right fit (“Should I STFU? Or A&A? Fuck, how did that joke go again?”). You just say what comes naturally. You’ve got frame.

So how do you actually build frame? To myself, I think of it in four steps.

First, you get yourself together. Lift. Dial in your diet and weight. Hygiene. Decent clothes. This might take a while. Hell, in this day and age, most modern Americans literally go their entire lives without ever getting themselves together in a real way. And yet, it's perfectly possible to do. All it takes is a whole lot of small decisions strung together in a row - lift this, eat that, brush your teeth, wear this, and so on. Discipline.

Second, get your shit together. Exactly what "your shit" is will vary from man to man, but it basically means get control over all of the loose ends and open loops that you have to be on top of to get by and get ahead in this life. Stop letting things slide, and stop waiting for someone else to do it. Get your shit done. Again, it's rare to see, but not really that hard. Responsibility.

Third, you need a vision for your life. Once you've got yourself together and have your shit together, then you need a clear idea of where you're going. Not what your wife or your parents or anyone else thinks you should be doing. It has to be your vision. You were born alone, you'll die alone, you're the captain of your soul - so what are you going to do with the time you have? Vision.

Finally, you need to find a way to encourage others - particularly your wife - to join your vision. Not to coerce them to follow you, but rather to make your vision so damn fun and exciting and thrilling and adventurous that they can't wait to join you. Charisma.

Imagine Brad Pitt with his life totally on point, with a clear vision of exactly where he wants to go and he wants everyone to join him and have a blast. That guy doesn't have to worry about holding frame or passing shit tests, or thinking the right way or feeling the right way. He's already put in the work behind the scenes, and so it all just falls into place.

If you know what to look for, your wife will tell you where you are on this list:

If your wife acts like your repulsive or treats you with contempt, you’re probably failing Step 1. There’s really no way to pass a shit test at this point – STFU is the best you can do. Almost none of the advice you get around here is going to help you until you get yourself together.

If your wife treats you like a child, or if she’s constantly stressed out over stuff and you wish she would just chill out, Step 2 might be the problem. This is classic drunk captain territory. You’re ignoring shit, and she’s either freaked out and fucking things up, or she’s learned to captain without you and is treating you like the child that you are. You’ll get shit tests like crazy at this stage, because when a child or a drunk tries to pass a shit test with amused mastery, he just comes off as a disobedient brat or a belligerent drunk. In the long run, you have to earn your way past these shit tests by getting your shit together and becoming a captain again.

If you’re failing Step 3, you’re needy and clingy. You’re wife probably thinks you’re boring or a poor leader. No spark. She probably finds you depressing. Shit tests here are more likely to be moody texts or emotional drama. You’re not giving her a direction, so she’s spinning stuff up herself. You’re surprised to discover how easy it is to pass these shit tests by just changing the subject to something else – i.e., by showing at least a momentary flash of vision of something better to focus on.

If you’re failing Step 4, she thinks you’re an asshole. There are worse things in the world – if you’ve got yourself together, have your shit together, and you’re pursuing your vision, that’s quality. But if it’s always your way or the highway, and there’s no place for her, then she thinks she’s stuck with an asshole. You’re getting comfort tests and failing them because you still think they’re shit tests.