So I’m 2 years into this. Still learning how to apply concepts to every situation. When we were first together I had a pack of other women that would constantly text me, call me, post to my insert social media of choice, whatever. It came from a position of weakness in that I needed that external validation but it none the less made me feel irresistible and the resultant dread meant things in the relationship were heavily in my favor.

3 years before I ever unplugged or became initiated to the real world when we were engaged to be married she finally lost it about all the other women constantly trying to get my attention. At the time I approached it from what I thought was a rational place and just said “okay well we’ll just agree that our standard in marriage will be to not hang onto ‘platonic’ relationships with members of the opposite sex with obvious ulterior motives.” This led to the slippery slope of me further and further conceding things to her in an attempt to quiet her insecurities. It got bad enough to the point where I literally deleted my entire internet presence from prior to our relationship, ended years long friendships, and would sit there texting her every 45 seconds anytime I was out at a bar with friends or any similar situation. I of course did all this with the covert contract in mind that she would reciprocate in kind. I grew more insecure as I no longer had a massive external validation machine. I became the one worried about what she was up to. I would lose my mind anytime she went out with a friend and wouldn’t check her phone for more than 45 minutes. At the time I believed that if I just continued to make myself more transparent she would surely have to start doing the same. That led to a massive backslide that led to me being the weak idiot in the relationship constantly groveling hoping to soothe my ridiculous insecurities.

Since then I’ve read all the sidebar, got back into lifting full time, put serious effort into identifying and correcting deficiencies in myself. The results have been nothing short of life changing. I look great, I feel great, our house stays beautifully clean and organized, we have fun doing things as a family again, she’s loving and affectionate and attentive, she takes interest in doing things with me, I think she’s much happier than she’s been for the entirety of our relationship, I feel like she’s much more emotionally stable and able to manage her own life without having to worry about her pussy ass weirdo husband anymore. The only holdover, and a point that I have identified as one that I’m having serious trouble translating from theory into action is managing her insecurity and jealousy.

As I backslid it obviously became a non issue since I was such a fucking wet noodle. She would damn near beg me to just go out and enjoy myself and instead I thought it was a trap and spent many nights abstaining from having fun with friends. Now that I’m back to my old self in a lot of ways I find it’s become a serious friction point. Even something as seemingly insignificant as going out for a group lunch with coworkers becomes a serious issue for her. She imagines I’m going to be flirting with the waitress blah blah blah etc. That situation was easy enough to laugh off given how objectively ridiculous it sounds, and after I ignored her tantrum and made fun of her after she sat on it for an hour all was fine. What I worry about is when I’m going out of town for work and ending up in more genuinely concerning situations, situations that if I’m completely honest I can’t blame her for being worried about. Given my line of work I end up in a lot of places like Key West, Vegas, etc with guys I work with who are often single and always want to party pretty hard. Have I ever given her reason to question my loyalty? No. But she has found text exchanges in the past which indicated that women openly hit on me when I’m on work outings and I enjoy it. Hardly a crime, but it triggers the bejesus out of her existing insecurities. 

 Where is the line between comfort tests and shit tests with things like this? Where is my line when it comes to stuff like this? I know myself, I’m not a big drinker, I’m perfectly capable of being out with a bunch of single guys and knowing when to call it a night and head home. Honestly I’m kind of the fitness freak old man of the bunch who worries about calories and getting enough sleep to maintain the gains. That being said I still have this impulse in me from my past days where I feel guilty as hell being in situations that, if roles were reversed, I would be super uncomfortable with her being in. I feel the need to reassure her a ton, to the detriment of the social situations I’m in. I end up being the guy in the corner texting his wife, or outside calling her to say goodnight. I love her to death, and I’m perfectly happy to comfort her any way I can. But I feel like me doing these things is hurting our relationship, and making me look like a whipped idiot. I’m still not to the point where I can say another girl is attractive in front of her, or acknowledge that I might ever find anyone but her attractive. I rationalize this as trying not to exacerbate the insecurities and issues with self esteem she’s always had, but I feel like it’s creating this toxic dynamic where we both try to pretend like we don’t have the natural human impulse of finding more than one person in the universe physically attractive.     Please be as harsh as necessary (I know I don’t have to ask you guys), I want to correct this now as I feel like it’s one of the few remaining barriers to getting my marriage to the best possible place.